Friday morning

5:43am Friday morning. I came to realize I was in the system, a flow that shaped my existence. Whether contrived or natural I did not know. All I knew was my place and interaction with the system up until now. In my youth I was languidly passive . I wanted experiences. I partook in the rituals the system offered. Sports, dates, school, jobs, vacations. As I became older I vowed to conquer the system. To find one thing I excelled at and to rise to the top of my game. But now I realized I was not going to conquer anything. And with that what was I to do? Then it came to me. What my purpose was. All my frustration led to this moment. I was to cleanse the system. Not all of it, but the one piece I could. The one representative of my failure. I may not conquer the system but I can do my part to remove a malignancy. And wasn’t that a beautiful purpose in and of itself?

Thursday night

8:02pm Thursday night. I had trouble concentrating this morning. A meeting with my boss did not go well. I started to feel annoyed because she said I lacked urgency. I tried to explain to her it wasn’t my fault but I don’t think she understood. I didn’t want to upset her but what could I say?

Thursday morning

Thursday morning 5:31am. Did I spend most of my life anxious, worried, wondering what I was missing, what I didn’t have, when I should have been enjoying what was right in front of me? All the peace I ever felt was when I existed in a moment. When a specific time and place shone so bright it blocked my overactive mind from wandering. Should I search for circumstance that affords me such happiness? Can I control my thoughts and make any situation so pure? Or is there only divine convergence of situation and person that creates such a thing? Perhaps beautiful moments exist only because some ethereal being loves me, wants me to be happy and grants me a time when all feels right with the world.

Wednesday night

8:08pm Wednesday night. I was distracted at work today. The morning dragged so I went home and took a nap for a couple hours. When I returned I had messages waiting for me. That got me focused. I worked hard all afternoon and came home exhausted, yet happy. I had been productive. I ate dinner and watched a movie before going to bed.

Wednesday morning

5:57am Wednesday morning. The announcement came late afternoon. Company sold, change of ownership, more to come. The new company operates in the area. That will give me time to acclimate. I sent a message to my team. They will be frustrated. We went through this process two months ago.

Tuesday morning

6am Tuesday morning. Something inside me yearns to be known, to be understood rather than entertained. The time has come to set aside distractions, chase fleeting feelings of joy or vainly search for peace. For life to have purpose I must produce something valuable to others.

Monday morning, Labor Day

8:27am Monday morning, Labor Day, Dana Point. The path was familiar. I had walked it with my mom everyday the four months she lived with me. I appreciated that time. Though I was frustrated with work I had mornings free to walk along the bluff. We head north, then east until we got to the park. Then we circled back to the apartment. The whole trip last half an hour. I would have coffee then get ready for work.

Sunday afternoon

5:05pm Sunday afternoon. Dana Point. After going to the movie we headed across town and grabbed dinner. It was unseasonably warm outside for the time of year. When we arrived the cool breeze in the restaurant relaxed us. We ordered drinks and continued talking. She told me about her experience growing up nearby. I nodded dutifully with a look of sincere interest.

Saturday morning

8:31am Saturday morning. Palm desert. As I drove my mind recalled moments when I felt at peace, times in my life I felt unburdened by expectation or remorse. It was then I felt most childlike, though I was far from innocent and very much an adult. I longed to retrace my steps and find that experience again; a moment when the world was filled with wonder, I was assured my existence held purpose and in my heart I was truly content.

Friday night

8:10pm Friday night. After dinner I went down stairs and walked over to the common room. Some people I knew were there, playing pool. Someone had brought a deck of cards and was teaching some others a new game. I tried to listen in but couldn’t follow the rules so I sat down in a chair by the fan and opened my book to read.