How I spent my Saturday morning

8:04am, in my apartment, chandler Arizona, Saturday morning, December 4, 2021. Woke up at 4am. Went for a walk, went to the gym at the complex and worked out. Watched television, drank coffee, had a protein bar. Then I took out the trash, unboxed some new shoes, loaded the dishwasher, wiped down the counters and put things away. Going to get out the Christmas decorations and stream Christmas music. 9:18am, got everything out and put up decorations. Time to take a break. Side note: for the past year I kept a plastic box On my balcony I assumed held an escape ladder. I opened it and realized it was just some pieces of a ladder we threw out a decade ago. Glad I didn’t discover that when there was an actual fire. Side note x 2: go buy an escape ladder

12:12pm being lazy, watched some television, took a nap, snacking/grazing, on string cheese, salami, salad, peanuts, crackers, Doritos and coke. I am going to post this now.

Living in the future is a downer

9:01am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Friday morning, December 3, 2021. Driving to work today felt like a Monday. That was a bummer because Friday morning usually means being in a good mood, listening to music and looking forward to some free time. But this Friday has been different. First, work has felt exhausting with drama and problems. Too many things have not gone to plan or people have not stepped up. It makes me feel disheartened. Second, this is the first weekend I will be alone since I last drank alcohol October 24, 2021. I typically don’t do well on weekends I don’t drink. Physically I don’t miss alcohol, but not drinking creates unintended issues. In the past I spent hours looking forward to having a drink, then another couple of hours actually drinking and subsequently a day or two nursing a hangover from having a drink (or 6). Now I am worried I will spend the time sitting around my apartment feeling anxious and bored. We will see how it goes. Maybe it won’t be so bad. On a side note, I have come to realize living in the future is a lot less fun than dreaming about the future. When I was younger I filled my time fantasizing about what I would accomplish, who I would meet and interact with, where I would live, what car I would drive and how much money I would make. Then around my mid-thirties it became obvious I better get to work if I wanted to make those dreams actually come true. That is the same time life became less exciting. Dreaming about a big magnificent future is like running up your credit cards. Actually having to go and make your dreams happen is like paying the bills. The first part is where all the excitement is, the second part is kind of a downer.

Disappointed and frustrated

6:41pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, evening of Thursday, December 2, 2021. Work was long today. One of our nurses had a personal issue to address. She is a hard worker and compassionate soul dealing with a tough situation. Another nurse begrudgingly offered to cover some triage time for her. This nurse is the opposite of the first nurse. She is not compassionate in the least and surly. An admission came in that needed to be covered. The second nurse refused to do the admission then said she wouldn’t cover the shift at all. Simply because we asked her to do the admission. Not only did she let down the organization and a coworker but a patient and family in need (the patient was coming out of the hospital with a new cancer diagnosis) my clinical director is working with staff at the community where the patient resides to make sure she is alright for tonight but the experience has left me (and my team) disappointed and frustrated. I am addressing the issue with Human Resources tomorrow but for tonight I will just be upset.

Getting Dirty

8:10am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Thursday morning, December 2, 2021. On my way to work I stopped to get gas and wash my car. When I pulled out a group of guys were cleaning the adjacent parking lot with leaf blowers. At least the left half of my car is clean.

Updates

3:40pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday, December 1, 2021. Some updates: My mom flew back to Utah/Wyoming this morning. It was a nice visit. She is going to come out again for Christmas. My daughter texted me yesterday saying she had a bad day. She didn’t respond when I tried to find out what happened but apparently the principal said she has to make up time she missed while out “sick” back in September (not sure what that means but it is probably close to a week!) My wife had big meetings at her job yesterday and last night. She is still in meetings today so I haven’t gotten details. The CEO flew in from England to meet with her. For me, I got my COVID vaccine booster shot yesterday and I am dragging ass today.

The WIL and December 1st

5:43am, Wednesday morning, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, December 1. Seven years ago I was traveling for work to the Chicago area. Thanksgiving was late that year so December 1st was the Monday after the holiday. My itinerary was to fly from Orange County to Salt Lake City and connect to Chicago, however the flight was delayed. Then it was delayed again. Before long I missed my connection to Chicago all together. The airline counter agent recommended I fly to Salt Lake City. They would pay for a hotel and book me on another flight the next morning. Doing that would minimize the odds of not making it to my destination the next day as well. While some of my fellow travelers were probably annoyed, I was ecstatic. I had been texting with the WIL the entire morning, lamenting I would be in Utah but wouldn’t get to see her. Now I was staying in a hotel the airline was paying for. She came and saw me after work that day and we got to spend a couple hours together. The memory is so strong and so meaningful for many reasons, some I will keep to myself. But it is easy to say that day stands as one of the most beautiful moments we shared in a lifetime full of them.

Shy or weird?

12:28am, lying in bed, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, first day of December. Questions: Do I not put myself out there enough or is my worldview non-accessible? Am I strange or a hack? Am I shy or weird? Does what I say not appeal to a large audience or I am not trying/succeeding in reaching people? Do I suck? Do I have integrity or am I bizarre? What is synonym for esoteric? But not esoteric on purpose. Inadvertently esoteric?

Ugh

2:13pm, in my office, South Phoenix, Tuesday Afternoon. Here is a quote from a post yesterday: “The office girl that was out for two weeks with covid came back. She said she had a negative test but she sounds awful.” Update: She just found out she is actually COVID positive.

Contrive and pander

8:33am in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Tuesday morning. When I try to write something contrived or pander to a specific audience my souls shrivels. And it is terrible.

Money

1:54pm, afternoon, last Monday of November, in my office, Phoenix. I am not obsessed with making money. I want more if I can get it but the need doesn’t consume me. I work to make money but the jobs I do aren’t particularly exciting, enjoyable or rewarding. What if money wasn’t an issue? Scenario: I get my current salary/benefits + 3% COLA adjustment for the rest of my life. What would I do? First, I would focus on how the amount isn’t enough. I would complain that I can’t pay down debt, buy a decent house or cover current expenses. Then I would look for a job to make more money! Would I seriously do that? I hate to say it but I think it is true. I would be bored and getting a job would alleviate boredom and give me more financial power. Oh my hell. I can’t believe that. Now I am depressed.