Help

6:22pm When my daughter and I returned from dinner we saw a woman across the way moving a table. Trying to be self sufficient she had placed the heavy table on a skateboard and was awkwardly rolling it down the path. The going was slow and every couple feet she needed to stop and reposition it on the board. She was going toward the car parking area that was still over a hundred feet away. “Let me help you,” I offered, jogging to catch up to her. She looked up, annoyed that she needed help but resigned to accepting it. “Thank you so much,” she replied. She was in her late forties, tall with long blonde hair that was becoming disheveled from exertion. She wore a white strapped top with a long green floral skirt covering her angular legs. Seeing that I would be occupied for a moment my daughter sat down on a nearby bench and began scrolling on her phone. The woman and I pushed the skateboard onto the grass out of the way. We each took an end of the oak table and began carrying it. As we walked my arms strained agains the weight. Sweat beaded on my forehead. The bottom of the table hit my legs and bruised my shins. I could tell she was struggling to but refused to take a break. “I am good,” she said when I offered a brief respite. We got to the parking lot. She approached a white economy car that had backed in. After opening the trunk we lifted the table over the edge and placed it face down. When we were done she thanked me again for the help. This time more effusively. I assured her it was no problem and I was happy to help. I even waved as she drove away. As I walked back to join my daughter the sun was beginning to set and the air smelled of sweet ocean salt.

Follow up

3:29pm By the time I got to Palm Desert I realized I couldn’t see my friend and make it to Dana Point in time. I texted her to say I got a late start. She replied, “Hi there. Bummer. See u next time.” When I got to the apartment I found a parking spot on the street. The sun was warm. A cool breeze blew off the ocean. I unpacked and changed then took the dog for a walk down the path that circled the complex. An overweight man nodded as we walked by. Kids on electric scooters raced down the path ahead of us. I felt content in the last remnants of the warm afternoon.

Drive

10:15am The drive to California irritated me. I couldn’t relax. Heavy dust blew across the road, causing trucks to swerve in the narrow lanes. The sun heated the windshield and stifled the air. My phone buzzed with the constant ding of new messages. I worried for my safety and wondered what work I was missing. I longed to be somewhere safe and quiet. Away from the noise, the motion and the incessant calling. I regretted setting an appointment for today. I had set aside this time to be free. Now I cornered myself into obligation. The realization made the miles go even slower.

Travel

5:32am I am traveling to Orange County today. I will leave at 7am. Seven thirty at the latest. I am going to see my daughter for her birthday. On the way I am stopping to meet a work acquaintance. I have only talked to her over the phone. She said to to visit if I was passing through. Usually I travel on weekends. But today is Friday. When I called to tell her my agenda she seemed excited. “Stop by. I will show you around.” Our brief conversations have had a flirtatious energy. Nothing overt. Enough to make us curious to meet. She has an appointment that finishes at 12:15pm. I will plan to visit around 12:30. One at the latest. I will meet her then head south to spend the weekend with my daughter.

Illusion

6:46am that the illusion was shattered. I could find happiness for a moment but perpetual bliss did not exist. Happiness existed in the ephemera. A time making love, a fleeting memory. lunch with a friend. Those were times I could feel alive. At peace and hopeful. But they were mere grains of precious metal in a bin of the messy dirt of everyday life. The meetings, trudging to work, forms and fights that overwhelm existence. All we ever have are the moments.

Thursday morning

5:29am I got up this morning feeling tired. I put on my clothes and took a walk. As I walked under dim streetlights I asked a question; What would I think if I were dropped into this life with no pretext? I am a hospice director in Phoenix with my family living in California. Would I be surprised by the job? Disappointed I am not with my family? I imagine myself creative. A writer, actor, musician. why do I not do that as my “job?” I have a wife and a daughter. Aren’t I lonely being apart from them?

Wednesday morning

5:39am What did I do? I use this blog to share how I felt. It is a journal then. But what did I do? Who did I interact with? Yesterday I got to work a little late. The two girls who work down the hall were laughing. I made a cup of coffee and went through my emails. There was no call in the morning because we had our bi-weekly meeting where the staff come in to go over patients. The meeting started at 9am and got over with around 10am. After the meeting I met with the nurses to go over new assignments and update on our hiring process. At 10:30am I got on a group call for the communities on the west side then had my call with the supervisor. The call went well. Afterwards we got two referrals. I felt better. Getting referrals and admitting patients is how we stay in business. Around ten pm last night the admitting nurse sent me a text saying she did not admit the patient. I am frustrated. We are not a good hospice. We are not helpful or easy to work with. We do not provide value. We are like the beggars on the freeway exit, asking for consideration out of pity. I talked with my lead clinical nurse. She is always apprehensive to admit patients. Our approach does not work and our business is failing. I am not proud that this site is a reflection of me as a leader.