Author: mikemeyer949

Walk

5:50am There was no rain this morning so I went for a walk. I circled the block then cut right into the adjacent neighborhood. Fallen tree limbs from last nights storm cluttered portions of the side walk. Giant bugs with buzzing wings attempted flight to avoid my steps. I became distracted thinking about sports statistics. The tension in my throat eased and for a fifteen minutes I was at peace. It was a good walk.

Night

7:58pm There are certain things I would always think about at night. I didn’t like thinking about them so I tried to distract myself. But then I would think about failure along with things I didn’t want to think about. The first thing I thought about was work. I would imagine the end of my career. How I wouldn’t have to work any more. The sweet release of freedom when I quit. Euphoria would wash over me. I obsessed over the weeks and months I had been working. The second thing I always thought about was the WIL. How her hair fell over her shoulders, the taste of her lips. I would get frustrated and begin reading a magazine or a book. Anything to change my thoughts for a brief second.

Wednesday

6:06am today is my daughters birthday. I feel terrible inside. We celebrated this weekend. She has plans today. But I still want to be with her. It was 13 years ago today, almost to the exact minute, the nurse handed her to me. Life often feels frustrating . The last thirteen years have not been easy. But when I remember that moment in the delivery room in Salt Lake City my heart floods with joy. Today will be bittersweet. I love my daughter and will be thinking about her. But work is pissing me off. I am sick of stress.

Tuesday night

7:47pm I get tired a lot. When something doesn’t interest me I lose focus. Especially when someone is talking to me. I don’t like people talking to me. I hear sounds and movement but it is removed from context. Like watching cows chew grass. I want to go somewhere and not see another person. At least until I get bored. Then I would appreciate someone talking to me again.

Feeling

5:42am I don’t feel much any more. My emotions are too scarred from years of anxious thought. What is the point of recounting the past? I am not who I once was. I will never will be that version of me again. A fleeting glimpse of the sun bursting through fluffy clouds above the mountains. Being intimate with the woman I love. Long drives through parts of northern Utah only I know. For so long I held on to those thoughts. Cherished them. Now they only remind me that I will disappear from the earth. I will die just as will everything I love.

Monday

6:02am despite sleeping in I still feel tired. I woke up, sent an email declining to interview further for the Denver job then made myself a cup of coffee. I try to remove myself from stress by being objective. I tell myself, “this is just one moment. It will be over soon.” Or, “once the job is over the stress disappears.” That helps a little. I sip my coffee, open the blinds and look at the sun through red clouds.

Morning

7:43am At the top of the hill we turned left. Our path became narrow and uneven with low hanging branches overhead.The dog pulled her lead so I took in the slack. Stillness enveloped us. The only sounds were those I created; keys jangling in my pocket, water sloshing rhythmically in the bottle, the sound of my own breathing. For a moment the sun peeked out from behind the marine layer. The air instantly felt thick. I absently wished for a breeze or another cloud. Luckily both arrived. Then my thoughts turned to work. I decided a job can define limits on time and freedom like bars in a prison cell. That work can appear like an unnecessary construct that robs us of peace. Yet without those limits what would we truly do? It is easy to believe the lack of freedom keeps one from finding peace. But perhaps that is misdirection. The surrender of freedom to a job hides the inability to find peace rather than causes it.

Walking

8:45am After that, I went for walks by myself up the hill behind our old home. The strolls took on a different energy after the move. I was a tourist, not a resident. When I lived there I returned to our apartment after a walk, made breakfast and watched the morning sun shimmer on homes across the way. Now I get in my car and drive away. Who is to say which is best? My ego wants the home with the ocean view. But was I happier? No.