Author: mikemeyer949

High Steppin’

5:31am (Trying the letter to future self theme) What should I tell you? Yesterday you went to work. The employee you spoke with on Monday about job performance came in and resigned. That was alright. You were going to put her on a performance improvement plan. Her choosing to leave relieved stress. The day turned positive. In the afternoon you drove to Anthem. Anthem is way north of Phoenix. You went out there to get some forms signed for the LA office. The person that needed to sign the forms was not available. You met one of the chaplains up there and gave them to him to have signed. Since yesterday morning you have felt renewed. Which is nice. Wednesday was an awful day. On Wednesday you wanted more than anything to quit, find a job as a chaplain and never look back. You blew off calls with the clinical leadership of the senior living communities. You came home and took an hour and half lunch. You spent most of the day in your office with the door shut. But yesterday was different. Now you can see a path to turning the site around and making it profitable. That is a goal you want to achieve. Last night You drank two beers before dinner. It was gross. You didn’t enjoy them. They made you feel sick. And you didn’t sleep well. Beers on Thursday nights used to be the best. You woke up this morning at 3:47am. You went for a walk and worked out. You thought about work and for the most part you were happy on the walk. It is easier to be happy on Friday. It was the first walk you did both extra loops to increase distance. Your core muscles feel stronger when you walk more. On the walk you started thinking about the WIL but you made yourself stop. You were feeling hurt and cycling about being dumped by her back in 2017. Yesterday you started applying the “one day at a time” mindset to work days. You realized you need to focus on the moment. Not try to reconcile the past. Not plan the future. Writing that sentence made you think of an Avett Brothers song. “See, you can only live one day at a time, only drive one hot rod at a time, only say one word at a time, and only think one thought at a time.” The Avett Brothers, High Steppin’.

The Avett Brothers, High Steppin’

Letter

5:49am Dear Mike, if you are reading this in the future you want to know what I am thinking, feeling, experiencing on this particular day. 6:06am I stopped writing this post for a moment. I had to think. If I am writing something that only future me would see I would share things I keep hidden from other people. Things that would really remind me what I am going through on this day. But sharing those things beyond a letter to only future me could be potentially awkward. Everyday I do weird things. I have thoughts about intimacy and sex. I have interactions with people I don’t mention. I leave all that stuff out because I don’t want people like my wife, my daughter, my mom or the WIL to know about them. But that is what I am going through. That is who I truly am. How do I reconcile writing honestly for myself and others? I am quiet. I am reserved. I am in a position of leadership. I have been a spiritual counselor. How would people react if they knew I had a “dark” side? That I have desires? I feel secretive, deceptive, dishonest. Do all people have things they hide and would be embarrassed if people found out?

Me

7:46pm I meet people where they are. Even if they don’t practice organized religion they can “feel” a concept of god. I like humanism because it honors the individual journey. And to be honest it is the easiest path to endorsement. I just don’t wholly reject ethereal presence. Whether real or not the belief can provide comfort for a person. Bottom line, I do not promote any religious concept of god but I will honor someone’s understanding if that is what they feel.

Chaplain

2:15pm at lunch today I looked into being a chaplain. I have my degree. I have a work history. I have done clinical pastoral education. One thing I am missing is endorsement from an outside group. I checked out humanism. According to The Humanist Society “Humanism is a progressive philosophy of life that, without theism and other supernatural beliefs, affirms our ability and responsibility to lead ethical lives of self fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity” They have an endorsement that is aligned with the Association of Professional Chaplains (APC). APC is the top board certification for chaplains. I need to do this. My energy flows positive when I imagine myself a chaplain/writer. I am tired of feeling like shit for money.

Stay put

7:24am a part of me keeps trying to get out of stress. Another part of me tries to stay. I don’t know if I want to change. The dominant force wins. the chaos of work, of being in Arizona, changing jobs all the time is how I figured out what I wanted to give my daughter. A life in Orange County. Maybe it is madness. Maybe when I look back it will all make sense. Whatever the case I always say I want to change but never do. There has to be a reason. I choose to keep living this way

Audience

5:49am the way I post and what I share differs greatly depending on the audience I imagine as I write. Sometimes I write for my future self. Other times I write for strangers. Sometimes The WIL. Lately I have been picturing my wife and daughter finding this blog now or after I die. I believe the posts are most real and honest when I selfishly do it just for me to go back and read. I recently found a handwritten journal I kept from when I was did a clinical pastoral rotation at St. Mark’s hospital in 1996. While I tried to be honest in the journal I failed to capture the scene of what I experienced. As I read the journal I kept wanting more information. I wanted to know more about who I talked with. What they were like. The words they said. I wanted deeper analysis of what I was thinking. I wanted to know my hopes, fears and emotions. Because of the experience if finding the journal and realizing what is missing I am a better writer. when I am cognizant of my desire for more information I write more engaging material.

Who am I?

3:56pm I spend so much time trying to figure out who I want to be. I am always trying to change something, improve, grow, get better. I never examine who I am. I never really know what I am about. I don’t stop and say, “this is me.” I am a guy who is good at getting jobs. I like to get jobs. I am good at it. The interview went well this morning.