Last post

In my office in south Phoenix. 8:12am. I have a call starting in three minutes. But wanted to capture this thought. The last post represented a shift in mindset. The morning walk started with thinking about the WIL and how I can get over her. By the time I got home and sifted through my thoughts it evolved to insight about my relationships, marriage and commitment. 8:28am back from my morning call. The thought I was completing before I left…the other night I woke up after 12am and felt everything could be new. The last post was a perfect example of that. I can change my perspective and not be stuck in old patterns. I want to change. Enjoy life again

Friday Morning

5:33am, sitting at my computer in the Chandler apartment. Just finished going for a walk and working out at the complex gym. When I went for my walk it was cold and rainy. I had to grab my rain jacket. I haven’t worn a coat on my morning walk in months. Around 2am last night I started hearing thunder and seeing streaks of lightning through the bedroom window. The rain started shortly after and hasn’t stopped. The drainage area in the neighborhood was already full. The commute this morning is going to be slowed by flash floods. On the walk I thought about relationships. I reminisced about the ones I had in the past, the ones I am in now and the possibility of one in the future. I started to think about being with someone new. Feeling the excitement of falling in love. What would be the cost of trying? What would I have to do to make it happen? The fact is I am still married. No matter the strained state of our relationship we are still together. In our own unique way we remain committed to the promises we made two decades ago. I can’t go on a dating site and meet someone if I am still married. That being said, we could get a divorce. We talked about it this week. It isn’t outside the realm of possibility. That would free me and my wife to move on. We could admit it is over and make a fresh start with someone else. I am not sure about my wife but that is not a price I am not willing to pay. If we get a divorce we would no longer be a “family.” We would be split and most likely create two new families. If that happened I fear my relationship with my daughter would be destroyed. I would not get to spend as much time with her or see her. Especially if I meet someone who has children of her own. I can’t speak for my wife. Maybe she wants a divorce. If so I will go through with it but if I have the choice I choose to stay. No matter how dysfunctional we are right now we are still a family and we are still making it work. As much as I would like to meet someone I won’t sacrifice what I have with my wife and daughter.

Thursday night

It is 7:38pm. I came home from work, ate dinner and watched the weather and streamed some shows. It is still 100 degrees outside. Storms are starting to blow in. The temperature is supposed to drop below 90 for the next couple of days. There are multiple thunderstorms forecast. Thunderstorms are a mixed blessing. The cool down feels nice. But the rain creates flash flooding hazards. work continues to be draining. The job is fine. I don’t mind the stress. But we are not getting admissions. That should be the payoff for all the bullshit. Instead it is all crap and no roses. Thankfully Things are picking up with referrals. Now We need to admit some patients.

Thursday morning check in

I am in my office South Phoenix at 8:48am. I have an office meeting at 9am so not much time to write. After the meeting I am going to head north to meet with a provider that could refer patients. Sometimes I dread meetings but this one doesn’t bother me. I am happy to get out of the office and meet someone new. I consider this morning to have gone well. I was happy to have written the post earlier. After that I showered, made the bed, fed Tiki the fish and headed to work. My car was filthy and has been bugging me. I couldn’t take it any more so i got gas and put my car through the wash for a quick rinse. After i got to work i did the morning stand up call and went through paperwork. Now I am sipping coffee and writing this post.

Not taking blame

It is 6:01am on Thursday morning. I am writing from my apartment in Chandler, Arizona. I am usually writing from my apartment in Chandler first thing in the morning. There is not much variation in my life. For the last couple of months I am either writing in Chandler, Phoenix, Palm Desert or Dana Point. It can be monotonous always doing the same thing. But then again it can be comforting to not deal with constant variation. Things are a little different today. I am sitting at my computer instead of using my phone on the couch. I had a scare this morning. I brought up the blog site and I wasn’t logged in. I worried I was shut out because I didn’t renew my other site. But I was able to reset the password and get in. Tragedy averted. Now I need to make sure my phone is working. I thought about place and life on my walk this morning. I want to stay in Arizona a little longer. I don’t want to move until the beginning of March, 2022. I don’t want to break my lease and I don’t want to deal with movers. Today is the five month “anniversary” of starting work in Phoenix. It has been an experience. The site I took over has been in turmoil. A lot of changes in leadership. Inappropriate admissions leading to paying back past payments. I thought I could come in and turn things around. I felt good about my abilities. But our census never went up. In fact it continues to go down. Revenue continues to go down as well. So much so that the business is in bad shape. If things weren’t bad enough the company announced on my third day of work they were selling the hospice and home health division. The sale just went through at the beginning of the month. The hospice was owned by a senior living company. We have the same name as the senior living company. We got over 90% of our business from the senior living company. The senior living company sold us. We are now owned by a hospital system that does not have a presence in the market. Many of the senior living communities in the area didn’t like using us when we were the same company. Now that we have been sold they have completely iced us out. We have only had three referrals in a month and a half. We are budgeted for 20. I have disassociated from the situation though. I am not going to take the blame. Normally I take all the blame. When something goes bad I say that the failure is mine. But I won’t this time. I refuse to own the sins of other people because I am not some magical savior. The deck has been stacked against success from the moment I walked in the door. I am not giving up. I am working hard. We have marketing plans. We can get business other ways. I am not giving up but I am not taking blame.

The me of me

12:14am in bed Wednesday night/Thursday morning. I woke up from a dream ready to start over. Completely over. It is time to Re-examine the me of me. My arbitrary viewpoints are fluid. My perceived values are open. I Filter my personality and wash out that which doesn’t serve me. I am confident, happy and secure.,

Wednesday night wrap up

7:18pm Wednesday evening. Chandler. Apartment. Today wasn’t bad. I had a meeting with my night staff about changes. Some of them are going to have to move to weekends and days. They took it well. Not great. But they were understanding. That made me feel better. Then we got some leads on referrals. We can start growing our census again.

More than a feeling

9:44am Wednesday. I had to run out to a community this morning to get a revocation form signed for a hospice patient that chose to go to the hospital. After I got the form signed I drove home Instead of going back to the office. I made myself a bowl of sugar cereal. Cereal seems such an odd concept. Sugary crispy ground up corn with milk poured over it. It tasted good. Just seems odd at the moment. This morning driving to work I bawled my eyes out. Not eyes slightly watering. True tears running down my cheeks sobbing bawling. I had been thinking all morning about quitting my job, becoming a PRN chaplain. Doing what I love instead of stressing all the time. I didn’t want to go to work. I wanted to blow the day off, go for a drive, watch a movie. Write something. But left for work at my usual time and took my usual route. Halfway there the song More Than a Feeling by the band Boston came on the radio. After the morning I had I set myself up to be emotionally vulnerable. The lyrics of the song coupled with the memories associated with hearing it hit me hard. I could not stop crying. I had a hard time concentrating on the road. I drove the rest of the way singing and wiping tears off my cheek. I got to the office about ten minutes to 8am and took a minute to compose myself. When I felt better I grabbed my bag, locked my car up and walked in. I am not crying any more I feel haunted by memories. “So many people have come and gone. Their faces fade as the years go by. Yet I still recall as I wander on. As clear as the sun in the summer sky.”

Consistent and persistent

6:05am I know this sounds like motivational material but it is not. It is an observation. Having been in sales and operations for 12 years I can tell you what I think is the key to success. The key to “success”-no matter how you define it-is consistency and persistence. I do not mean a talent worked on. You can’t get better at them. You can’t develop them. If you have to try to be more consistent or persistent you have already lost. Consistency and persistence come from within. They exist on a base level. They are mindless drivers of action. Consistency and persistence are the elusive traits so many sales leaders look for when hiring talent. But you don’t know if someone truly has consistency and persistence until they are in a situation when they are needed to persevere.

Outside my emotions

5:48am Wednesday morning, in the apartment in chandler. My routine has been consistent lately. Get up at 4am. Go for a walk. Go workout. Come home. Have a protein bar and some water. Make a cup of coffee. Watch the weather. This morning I watched the highlights of the basketball championship from last night. Today is a rare day where I have perspective. I am in the moment with all of its joy and stress. I am not working toward something better. I don’t believe there is a measurable “better” life. Rather there are things that make me happy, things that make me sad and things that cause me stress. They all swirl through my mind. Occupying my thoughts. To deal with the sad and stressful parts I escape into memories of the past. Or i scheme for a different future. On some emotional levels I allow myself to believe the future is better. Or the past was better. But logically I know that isn’t the case. I probably can say that because I am not overwhelmed by stress at the moment. I am not sad. And I am not overjoyed. I am outside my emotions looking at my life. Such an interesting place to be.