Relax

5:47am I am relaxed. I am enjoying the moment. I am present. Tomorrow can wait. Today is a perfect, beautiful, simple time. I savor it.

Real me

8:19am I can’t change who I am. I sell myself as a good salesperson or director. I hang around until I am exposed. I move on to the next job. I hate failing. I don’t like letting people down. I am what I am.

Live inside my head

5:13pm I have spent my entire life burrowing deep inside my head. The only company I keep is my own. I haven’t driven census. I haven’t driven revenue. My response is to pout. Think about it. But not change the situation. No amount of positive self-talk is going to save me. I need to get moving

Tired

2:56pm the company transition is complete. The mock survey team has left. Census is still down. I am exhausted. I need to rest and regroup

Time together with my daughter

6:37am last night my daughter expressed dismay that it was Wednesday. She felt the week was going too fast, implying she didn’t want her time in Arizona to end. That little exchange made me happy. She is enjoying being here. In the apartment, in Arizona, with me. That is all that matters in the world.

Nice guys finish last, Green Day

“Nice guys finish last, you’re running out of gas, your sympathy will get you left behind” Green Day, nice guys finish last, nimrod

Focus

6:09am writing these posts, thinking about publishing them. Focus. Singular theme(s) greatness is achieved by staying focused

Daughter’s expectations

6:05am we created a lifestyle for our daughter. An expectation of where we live and what we can afford. We have been living this way for nine and a half years. I can’t change. I don’t know if I want to change. There are things I don’t like but the things I do like keep me in place.

Change

5:40am I don’t know how to change. How to be different. I don’t know what I would do if this blog were “discovered.” How would my world change if I received attention? I work in hospice. I have a public persona but the real me remains hidden. Writing these posts is a way to put myself out there to be discovered. But there is dissonance. The hospice director is a carefully crafted facade. It serves purpose. It is a image I use to make money and care for my family. The post writer is the inner me. He is the voice in my head. My best friend. what would I do if people at work saw these posts? What if prospective employers saw them? Family, friends. Strangers? I want more than anything to be known. I want more than anything to remain hidden.

Seeker

5:29am will I spend my whole life being who I am, striving to be what I am not? I am a seeker. I meet people where they are. I validate others. But those traits don’t make money. They don’t make me “successful.” I work jobs that do not reward who I am. I try to be different but fail. Then I try again. And again. I can’t stay put. I am not allowed to stay put. I can’t change. I am who I am.