Author: mikemeyer949

Friday night

10:03pm I get mad at myself when I write lot of posts in one day. I don’t get upset for writing down my thoughts. I appreciate the continuity when I go back and read them. I get mad because so many posts in one day makes it tedious when I transcribe them to a word document. I like to get through a certain number of days when I transfer the posts over for publication. If a day has many posts it takes longer to accomplish the task.

Reprieve

6:07pm we have an admission tonight. I don’t like to celebrate the fact that someone is terminally ill but from a provider standpoint it is helpful. We need to care for patients or we cannot serve our mission. I am sitting outside a pancake house.m, waiting to pick up dinner. That was the consensus choice. Overcast sky. Looks like a nice cooling rain storm possible. It is still 103 degrees.

Funk

3:51pm went to the facility to get the contract signed. The administrator wasn’t there. Talked to a nurse. She was rude and wouldn’t sign the form. A nice cap to an emotional week. The last three weeks have been a downer. I am in a funk. I don’t feel optimistic.

Take the “L”

1:14pm I left the office to go visit a facility. I am going to get a contract updated. I needed to get out of the office and interact with someone. When I left I realized I had a big yogurt stain in the crotch of my pants. Not a good look. I just pulled in to my apartment complex. I will go change then head out. Elaborating more on living in my head; social interactions, business meetings, dating. In my mind I am amazing and successful at these things. In reality I feel inadequate. I don’t do good in those settings. In my mind I am a winner. In real life I feel defeated. I take the “L.” I stay in my mind because there I always have the answer. In my mind I am charismatic. In my mind I am a better version of me.

Sink or swim

12:45pm I have been doing this stupid process for almost 12 years. I thought I could develop better habits. That I would learn to swim by putting myself in situations that necessitated change. Instead of swimming I just continually sink. I am a weird fucker. Good enough to get decent paying jobs but not good enough to succeed in them. My only hope is to get in a successful situation and be a part of it as long as possible. This site was a dog before I took it over. I was ignorant thinking I could save it. Of course I was even more desperate for a job/income than I was arrogant about my abilities. Now the situation is set. I am committed to doing my best. Turning it around. Making it successful. I can’t guarantee I will succeed but I will do my best. Even if that means getting out of my head and interacting with the world

Really messed up

12:33pm the messed up thing is that my behavior has real world consequences. By staying in my head and not interacting with people my job performance suffers. The site I am responsible for suffers. I will lose my job. My income, my home. Yet that is easier than meeting with people. Oddly enough, I like meeting with people. I am not afraid. I just don’t know how to initiate encounters. I don’t know how to make it worth their time. I don’t know how to call to action, close a sale, get the business. My efforts feel futile. So I just hang on until I am kicked out. I will get another job and repeat the process.

In my head

12:24pm do I care about anything other than what is happening inside my head? I am the most self-absorbed person in the world. Not egotistical, just inward focused. Take the WIL for example. I have written about her, thought about her many times. She exists in my mind a certain way. But I haven’t seen her in over a year and a half. At work I have all these plans to grow census but I seldom interact with the people who could give me business. I am delusional. I believe what I do and say in my mind is real. Yet it doesn’t translate to real world interactions. I have no relationship with the woman I love and with the people that could give me success. No wonder I am losing my mind.

Trying to have it all

5:57am the first time I felt panic was in 2006. I overextended myself at work and started my MBA. I had too much going on. I tried to find peace by resolving every issue that caused stress. I failed. There was always something to solve. I couldn’t relax. I feel the same now. I keep try to find a way to make everything alright. There is never going to be that moment. This is as close as I will get. Today I will not try and solve everything. I will just be present.