“Fear always refers to something definite. I am afraid of getting wet because of certain meteorological factors. Or I am afraid of a political complication in view of certain observations and developments.”
“…anxiety refers to a a state which the question what is feared is either secondary or is not even asked. The indefiniteness of the threat is of the very essence of anxiety.” Helmut Thielicke, The Silence of God, pg 4
6:11am this week went fast. It was a four day work week but still felt quick. I never got going this week. I drank beer on Monday (the holiday observed). Not too much but a fair amount. Yet Every morning I woke up feeling hungover. Not an enjoyable experience. I thought about having a couple beers and watching the basketball championship last night. It was an scenario I usually enjoy. Thursday night, good day at work, light schedule the following day. Time to have some pre-weekend beverages. But my body didn’t want it. I couldn’t stand the thought of a restless sleep and physical exhaustion. That is what gets me. Not nausea, not headaches but exhaustion. The feeling of falling asleep inside. I can’t believe how often I could drink when I was younger. Now I can drink maybe one or two days a week m. And I definitely feel it if I do.
4:12pm the day got better. I did the presentation I had been working on. It went well. Now is the moment of truth. Implementing the plan. Then replicating and scaling.
9:56am This morning was busy. I Wanted to crawl in a hole and just disappear. Now that the day has started I feel a little better. I am tired of having to give myself a massive pep talk every day.
The new company took over last week. Part of the change requires directors to assume many back office HR functions. My mind is adjusting to new ways of thinking. It isn’t easy but good for me to learn new things. Approach different problems. Think more black and white. Specifics oriented
6:22am a part of me wants to be that kid again. The kid that could get lost in following the baseball season. That looked forward to football. The kid that read the newspaper and was transported to different possibilities. I say little kid but I was like that well into my 30’s. Today I wish I was a chaplain. Making a couple visits then parking in the shade, reading the paper, drinking coffee.
6:13am I woke up in a bad mood today. Not much to look forward to. Nothing special to reminisce about. I am grumpy
4:42pm I’m my mind I am still in my late 20’s to mid 30’s. When I look in the mirror I see the almost 50 year old I truly am. It is jarring to feel young but see an older version of me. I thought I would get used to it as I aged but it actually is more dissonant, not less
8:00am yesterday I had a fleeting memory of what it was like to have job security. What it felt like to be the chaplain in my prime. ever since then I have been happy. With my family being out last week and the strong memory I am in a good place.
6:27am memories of last week have been coming back all morning. I loved waking up and taking the dog for a walk. Going to work out or staying at the apartment drinking coffee. The place was filled with love and life. Now it feels empty. I look forward to them coming back soon.
