9:49am this morning is the first time I have felt “normal”(?) in a long time. My body is getting back into shape. I weighed myself at the gym. I was sure I was over two hundred pounds. I weighed 196. I still feel gross in my clothes but I don’t feel fat. I am not thinking about work right now. That is a relief. I am not anxious about down time. I streamed comedy acts and dramas all morning. The only thing of note to happen so far today is I sobbed uncontrollably in the shower for five minutes. I was thinking about the WIL. I always think about the WIL. I have a recurring thought. I imagine the WILs husband is filming a documentary. The climax is confronting me. Before the final face off I am allowed to be alone with her. We meet in a small room. I am waiting. She walks in. The door closes behind her. That scenario is seared on my soul. It is a re-enactment of the most sacred. Her entering a room. The door locking behind her. Us alone together. That is literally my heaven. When the door shuts. When we are alone. When we embrace. That is beyond any happiness I have ever felt. will ever feel. Will ever want to feel. When I was in the shower this morning I pictured us in the make believe private room. Hidden cameras filming. We stand still. Looking in each other’s eyes. Tears begin to flow. In make believe and in real life. I imagine us coming together. We embrace. I whisper how much I love her. how much I miss her. How i think about her every fucking second of every day. I tell her I can’t let her go. That I just want to die in her arms. And even if we can’t be together in this life please let me be with her in eternity. I want cameras to see it. I want the world to hear it. For so long we had a secret love. Now it is known. But the knowing has come with the worst price. God I miss her.

11:29pm honest… I don’t have the ability to accept loss. Age, lockdown, experience has changed me. In the past When a job ended it meant new possibility. I would find something better. I would make more money. Work with better people, enjoy my job more. Now losing a job is rejection. It is the equivalent to being shoved outside in a blizzard. I am immediately in a struggle for survival. I mean that Literally. The mental exposition to the circumstances are as immediately dire as the physical exposure to the elements. This week was draining. My daughter doesn’t feel well. I am staying in Arizona this weekend.

5:37am I have restructured my mindset. New understandings of work. Reward. relationships.

7:24pm another busy day. Not much time to think. Probably for the best. I believe I wrote this exact post before…

5:37am one year ago was my one year work anniversary at the job before last. I had not had a “work anniversary” in four years at that point. The jobs before that lasted 11 months, 3 months, four months and eight months. With a six and two month period of unemployment in there as well. The work anniversary was meaningful. I had some stability. The job didn’t pay enough to cover my bills but that didn’t matter. I needed peace of mind. Since that work anniversary last year I left my job, my wife and daughter moved out (on the same day as my last day of work) I started a new job. my mom had a major accident and came to live with me. I lost my new job. I moved out of state and started another new job. Lock down has become less strict. I still have talked to the WIL or know anything about how she is doing. I have become numb. I don’t remember what it was like to feel joy. Or sadness.

“There is no sense in trying to overcome the dead point of your life by further work, by trying to steel or stiffen your character… If a (person) is on the wrong track, it is no use running faster.” Thielicke, Out of the Depths, pg 64

5:52am I am in the moment. I wake up, walk, workout, sit at my computer, get ready for work, work, come home, eat, go to bed. I will do that for the remainder of the calendar year.

2:37pm at work. What is better? Believing a perfect life exists and not having it or being at peace with the life i have with limitations and resignation? Often I am glad I don’t search in vain. But I miss the feeling of hope. I miss believing I was progressing toward salvation.

5:45am I am remembering 18 years ago. Moving back to Wyoming, commuting in to Utah every day for a month. Being the Hospice Chaplain. The memories still feel fresh. Vibrant. “…that’s my favorite time, to rewind my life on…” Willie Nelson.

Interesting memory…playing baseball in high school. I played many positions. We had a big opening game in a tournament we were hosting. I started the game pitching. Held the other team in check for three innings. They got to me the second time through the line up. I was pulled in the fifth inning. My dad came to me after the game. “That other coach was really good. He sized you up, saw your tendencies and then had his team adjust their approach.” That was it. No pep talk. No tear down. No advice how to address/counter. My dad objectively appreciated how a coach identified a way to improve his teams performance. My dad didn’t express frustration at my performance. Didn’t express sympathy. He simply marveled how a man coaching against his son used his intelligence to win. I am not really mad about the memory. I suppose I could be. I suppose anyone could be mad at their parents. If my dad had said he was disappointed would that have been better? If he would have yelled and told me to win at any cost would that have been better? There is no right answer. My dad was who he was and reacted to the situation in his unique way. He was a fascinated observer of life. I appreciate him for who he was.

12:09am I need to stop seeking and start being. My energy flows strongly to puzzles, adventure. I never sit still. I am always plotting a move over. A jump up. I have honored that energy for 13 years. It flows through me. But it keeps unstable. I need to be where I am. To honor stability. Saying that feels like trying to hold back a gushing torrent. there is a battle. Be what I “feel” I should be (seeker) or be what I know will provide more success and purpose (being) Either choice requires sacrifice.