7:07pm I don’t post much at night. Usually I am tired. When I do write something it tends to be short. my mind is tired. My body is tired. I don’t have many deep thoughts at this time. Or much energy.

Who am I? How do I come across?

I am a leader. A captain. Charismatic. Decisive. Bold.

I grew up in wyoming. I went to school in Nebraska. Seminary in Berkeley. I have lived in many areas in California. I lived in utah in my thirties. I love utah. I mention it often. Home is utah/wyoming. I have a wanderlust. I like adventure. I was in California nine years. I recently came to Arizona. I found my best energy again. I am piecing together my mental, financial and professional well being.

I love a woman I can no longer talk to. I am married though my marriage is complicated. I am a father. I am a son. I question my relationships. Now and in the future.

I like to walk and workout. I try to fill my time with writing/tending my house.

I mention When I have free time I make bad decisions about alcohol and sex. But that doesn’t define me.

Leaving for work, 7:25am I am as happy now as I ever was. I am in the moment. Doing what I need to be doing.

Going back to thielicke I walked my journey “..in order that” I could get to where I was to do the greatest good. I was lost. So was this site. I was looking for stability. So was this site. We found each other in our times of need. It is a relationship that positively impacts thousands of lives. I am proud to be a part of it.

6:29am writing is how I claim a piece of ground. It is my realm. I own it. I don’t have physical space. But in My thoughts. I have ownership. When you read what I write you visit my house. You have conversation with me. We share. We connect. You might engage. Or just observe. But I am present. I am available. I am known.

6:11am. I have to remember to note time and place. Even a little background. I just spent 25 minutes in the uncomfortable camping chair, hunched over my ten plus year old computer, translating posts to a word document. My back and shoulders are sore. I got paid today. Transferred money to savings. First time doing that in a while. I still have thousands of dollars in debt. Tens of thousands. I could make a a bigger pay down. But I am going to keep cash on hand a little longer. It costs me carrying debt and keeping cash but it keeps me flexible. I have resources if needed.

I am 49. If I haven’t developed a narrative in my life by now I probably won’t. If my life doesn’t have a narrative my blog posts likely won’t either. I find my life amusing. Perhaps others will too. I want everyone to read my thoughts. I don’t want anyone to read them.

5:20am There is very little narrative to my thoughts. I barely finish a thought before I move on to another. There is not point. The largest narrative I have is to keep my head down and work this job until the end of the year. That is the longest thread. Work hard. Be engaged. Focus. Lead. Captain every day. Get the ship to port January 2022.

I had a good workout. Ride the recumbent bike. Did squats. Bench press. Flies. Tri ceos. I had a pump. I felt good. Then I saw myself in the mirror. I have a launch. My shoulders are rounded. Years of sitting at desks. Loss of muscle. Ineffective workouts. They take their toll. Getting older sucks

318 am laying in bed. About to get up. Chandler Arizona I dreamed about friends visiting. They had given me many gifts. One was an antique apholstered bench and had a musical organ folded underneath. If you wanted to play you moved the bench and assembled the organ. I didn’t recognize who the friends we’re a man and woman. A couple. They had given many gifts to set up my home.

I dreamed about a basket that was computer generated. There was a flaw. In trying to make it realistic the basket became tedious to create. Though the item was practical it was seldom used because it had to be crafted over many hours strand by strand.

I dreamed about riding a bike high into the mountains south of my hometown in wyoming. A storm was cominf in. I would get wet and cold. I thought I should take a jacket.

There were two other parts. I forgot them as I wrote these down. Why did I have the dreams! Why am I compelled to share them? Can I recall them if I don’t record them instantly? Dreams are fleeting

3:34am when trying to recall the two elements of the dream I remembered two dreams I had many months ago. One walking up a hill in what stood for my hometown. The other driving through a canyon. Both dreams involves steep grades and roads cut into sides of mountains. Interesting those were locked in my brain and could be resurrected

7:53pm my mom has a bad renter in a unit in Wyoming. We talked about it tonight. The shit I have seen from bad employees makes this easy. I was giving my mom advice. She was having a hard time not getting emotional. I told her to call me. I will talk to the renter. My mom seemed relieved. She is too nice to deal with this bullshit. I usually am too nice as well. Arizona captain leader energy has changed me. I like me in Arizona. I wish I could have found this energy 10 years ago. I would have had a lot more fun. I would dread a situation like this last year. Now I relish it.