7:38 I am a bad husband. Possibly the worse and still be considered a husband. I should have been dumped long ago. Is that an indictment on me or my wife?

A colleague confided in me. She told me some issues with her husband. They are separated. He comes over on weekends. He doesn’t clean. He doesn’t pick up. He doesn’t help. He watches tv, eats take out and drinks. The neighbors think he is an asshole. Her words. He has another house with his ex-wife. I was sympathetic. I nodded. I gave incredulous looks. She probably thinks I am a nice guy. Or a halfway decent husband.

In my mind I was thinking about my wife. The stories she could tell about me. I can’t even catalog how absurdly bad I am. Cheating. Affairs. Drinking.

I tried to have it all. My wife. My daughter. A safe home. A secure job. Those things require sacrifice. Instead i acted selfish. I didn’t appreciate my marriage. I fell in love with another woman. I thought I could balance them both. I lost them both.

I drink. My make dangerous choices. I use people. I am a taker. If I give pleasure it is happenstance. Not design. I am a bad husband to my wife. I am pretty bad with relationships as a whole.

I finished Mornings with Henri J.M. Nouwen. I started reading Helmut Thielicke’s Out of the Depths. Thielicke was my dad’s favorite theologian (who is yours?) I could never get into Thielicke growing up. Very dry. Dense. German. But I started reading the first sermon. I am gleaning appreciation.

He wrote in the time of World War 2. Growing up Germany was always the enemy. I never looked at the suffering as universal

“There are many among us who have lost everything and who will find it hard to erase from their minds the horror they have suffered and the collapse of their individual world. And even if they do, they cannot blot out the specific question which we see whenever we look into their wounded and tortured eyes, the question, “Why?”

“In all our misfortunes and catastrophes our deepest human instinct compels us to as who the guilty ones are… we have to raise the startling and insistent question, Why? An obscure feeling forces us to do so.”

“This little word “why” is no torrent of speech. It is only a little drop of three letters. Yet it can cause mortal injury to our souls.”

Thielicke points how (as a christian pastor) how Jesus as a teacher does not take the bait on the question why. Rather he answers “so that…” in order that” by putting the question in a larger context it liberates us from up/down good bad judgement and immerses us in part of a larger meaning and plan.

I woke up at 3:30 this morning. Actually closer to 2:30. I got out of bed at 3:30am. I had a good rest. Slept through the night from 8pm until 2:30. On my walk I struggled to loosen up. I couldn’t get comfortable. Folding myself into an office chair ten hours a day tightens everything up. Coming home and sitting on a camping chair doesn’t help. Then sleeping on an 8 inch foam mattress on the floor seals the deal. I am too old to live like a 19 year old. 30 years ago this was an adventure. Now it is painful.

Next time I move I am renting the truck. Hiring movers to pack it then driving it myself then hiring more movers to unpack. This is ridiculous. The moving company tried to add almost 30% to the original quote after packing the truck. They said 2 to 5 days to deliver. After they pack the truck they say 15 to 30 days. Or even 30 to 45! They have had my furniture for three and a half weeks. I called them the day before yesterday. The guy totally was blowing me off. “Oh yeah, I was just looking at that file.” “Where is it going?” “I will call you back by the end of the day.” I asked him if he had my contact information. I doubt he even bothered to write it down. I will call again today.

Southern California work energy is “we are the best. We only hire the best. Prove you are the best or you are gone.”

Arizona work energy is “we have work to be done. We need someone competent and willing to step up. Will you do it?”

My energy. My talents. My personal perspective is more Arizona.

I feel appreciated. I feel energized. I want to work hard and make a difference. In Arizona I am valuable. In Southern California I am replaceable

Are my thoughts as shallow as my writing? I barely string cohesive paragraphs together. Is that how long I think about a subject before flitting to the next topic?

I am bored. at work. It is noon. I had calls all morning.8am until almost 11am. I have a call at 1pm. Another at 3pm. I would rather be at work than home. Or anywhere else. I am old. I can’t think of anything to do except work, eat, sleep. I used to want to be anywhere except work. I could think of a thousand things to occupy my time. Now being bored at work is the only option besides sitting around and cycling on unproductive thoughts. This past weekend really depressed me. I looked forward to relaxing, watching gold. Sipping a cocktail. I did all that stuff. Yet the experience left me feeling empty. I can’t have free time any more. I don’t appreciate it

I can’t remember my dreams. I know they are there. But the ability to recall them to conscious thought is missing. Like a bridge between two shores. The road can’t be traveled. I know they are over there. Wanting to come over but can’t complete the trip

I have been thinking about the song running to stand still by u2 lately. Great vibe that whole album has

I want to date. Meet a woman. But I don’t want to pay the cost. If I bring another woman into my life I don’t have time or space for my daughter. For my mom. I lose hope for the WIL. Or an idealized notion. I would prefer to be abstinent. I feel stupid just having meaningless drunken encounters. I feel like I use people. That I am shallow and unsafe.

Whatever I became at fifteen is what I am now. I am not smarter. I am not More enlightened. I just have seen more outcomes. The final reward is always the same. To achieve something then look back and marvel at what I have done.

How I look at the world stays the same. Last night I had a dream. I don’t recall the substance but my feelings changed. I didn’t knot up my insides like usual. I didn’t start thinking familiar thoughts to get familiar neural pathways. I was different. Those familiar pathways good or bad form my world view. to step outside them was freeing. Also scary. Having a set understanding of the world catalogs everything. Without the familiarity I am an adolescent again. With them I am tired and frustrated.

The land lady returned most of my deposit today. A couple thousand dollars. Very welcome. I didn’t expect anything back. Yesterday I started missing Dana point. My house. How I had the living room set up. Our Saturday routine before lockdown. How life was before it all changed. It isn’t real. I was broke and unhappy. But the sliver of memory is nice. Dropping my daughter off at music. Running errands. Drinking beer Saturday nights. Going to target Sunday afternoons as a family. A lot has changed for a lot of reasons since 2019.

5:47am (the set up) negativity, anxiety, frustration, doubt. Endless stream. Then I come here and start to write. I find my leader, warrior energy.

I am frustrated with my behavior this weekend. Thoughts about it take away from the positive energy I possess. I apologize. I forgive. I bless and release. I move forward.

I am the captain. I helm this ship through good and bad. Return it safely to port. Mission accomplished. I am in charge. I am the center of attention.