I am in this horrible funk. The crazy thing is I can objectively look at it and see the problem but the malaise of emotions sits like a cancer in my gut. My thoughts are creating exhausting sadness and frustration. I see it happening to me. I feel it. I see the iceberg but I can’t turn the fucking ship. Gir fucking damnit

There is a well of confidence in me and no matter what I did it couldn’t be shaken. I had internal confidence. The past decade has dumped so much contrary evidence is is killing confident me. I don’t care about external trappings. I just want to like myself again.

I hope this job doesn’t blow. I really need steady employment. I will work hard. I will give an honest effort. I am so psychologically damaged. I feel like I am just showing up to get punched in the face. Great feeling going into a new gig

I couldn’t seem to get on top of my anxiety and depression.

All this energy builds up and it can’t pass through the funnel. So it stays inside, builds up and corrodes my soul.

Now I am pissed. I have all this energy and talent and I failed. I don’t fail at anything and I fucking have eaten shit for ten years. Claiming my aero fancy pushes the energy through. God I want to fucking feel alive again. Not like a depressing loser

I worry this is how I look at the world, how I feel. No matter the circumstances I will feel anxious and depressed

Why do I still feel so scattered? I get that I was fucked up in January. I had too much time to think and didn’t have a job. Why am I not excited about a new city? Job? Life? If I don’t want to be here I get to try something different. if I am honest I am scared about failure. The track record proves it. It isn’t necessarily rewarding work. I believe I can be competent but agin-track record…

I need to get out of this house. That is good. I just feel empty. Like I severely wounded animal instinctively crawling to a cave to die. I have cycled into frustrating depression again. I really hope this is just because I keep cycling on existential questions out of boredom. That having a job and those stressors will occupy my mind and keep me a little sane

2:30pm I am sure it is easy to objectively look at my life and see where I went wrong. And suggest what I need to do to fix it. I wish I could be moved like a chess piece to a different position and circumstance. I fucked this one up. Hard

I have so many talents, gifts. I am smart and strong. Get out of transformation mode. These posts, battling depression, anxiety, mental breakdown. This is my ministry. Funny how my energy flows very well when I am in being mode. This is valuable. But it is only in my head. All anyone knows of me is going to move to Arizona and be a director . When I say ministry I imagine St Marks and crisis calls. Hospice. I have waited decades to find my own ministry and a worthy opponent. How do I engage with those in need? Hospice and st marks out me in a situation and I responded. Where is the situation?

Note on sex. Still abstaining. Not even talking to people. Missing intimacy and connection.

12:53pm pumping gas

I need to get back to work. Even if work sucks it is better than over thinking. I am mentally exhausted. My thoughts spin constantly and solve nothing

Lockdown killed a lot of Hope and creativity. Making music, making videos. Things I used to do and distract myself with. Lockdown showed I didn’t really have passion. I was just doing little bits to entertain myself.

Lockdown killed drinking and watching movies. Without something to contrast them against they were just the only option not a choice