10:10am Maybe I learned who I truly was. What I truly value. My wife has increased her income and has been employed with the same company for seven years. She is no happier than I am. I like adventure, my free time, flexibility. I just didn’t realize it was an either/or. I thought I could have it all. Look what I learned just before I turned 49.

9:47am California did not go as planned. I thought after almost ten years here I would have amassed wealth, increased salary, owned a house in Dana Point and would be at the height of my career.

Instead I am moving out of state, have less retirement, less savings, more debt. I make less money than the salary I had when I moved here.

The only thing I can say about California is I tried. I played it until I was absolutely broke. Mentally emotionally and financially. Life is funny. Failure never dawned on me. Diminishing in any way wasn’t on the radar. Not growing as fast or as high might have sounded feasible. But not ruination. I was exposed. I am a bust. At least I tried. I took a chance. I took a risk. I had an adventure. Now the best I can do is eat shit in Arizona and try to piece together a somewhat tolerable stable existence. Damn, I really wish the redemption part of the story would begin. Nine years of scrambling and falling behind has blown. Arizona is an adventure and I have a good job waiting. I just need to change my perspective

9:20am packing for the move. When I focus on new possibilities I am excited. When I focus on old memories I get sad. I am 80% excited/20% sad.

A lot of memories here but it is a dump. I won’t miss the mold. Great location shitty unit.

All morning goi my on my own walk and walking with my mom I keep thinking that I have made my peace with leaving Dana point. I have enjoyed it for nine years. But I couldn’t possibly stay for my sanity or financial well-being. It is never easy leaving but the feeling of having given everything feels as close to liberating peace as possible

I feel like I am making an excuse when I say this but it feels true. The bandwidth I use to be a dad comes at the expense of being a friend and a good employee. The energy I expend in the relationship with my daughter comes from the same well I used to gear up for work or want to do activities with friends. When I think about my daughter coming to Arizona I am excited and energetic. Then I remember I have to bear down for work. She is the most important person to me. I just need to make sure I stay focused and engaged at work too. To be the best dad for her I need to have stability

A lot of fragmented shallow thoughts this morning. Utah, California, Arizona, moving, work. Last night as I slept my mind was redirecting negative thoughts. That is two nights I have been aware when I start to go down dark paths.

“The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead, a light to burn all the empires, so bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be” mcr, the sharpest lives

The biggest question; is the problem me? The jobs I take? The place that make me act a certain way? Or see things a certain way? I tried changing the type of job by starting my own business. That did not work. Now I am changing place. Thinking about changing place makes my energy flow better. Thinking that this will be my tenth job in nine years. But the operations thing is new. I don’t know how to read the last job. Is it more if the same or did changing to operations really help? Perhaps now I can find steady, mutually beneficial relationship?

Many times I thought for Dana point was my angle of repose. That this was the last place I would call home. No matter how far I traveled or how long I was away this would be my stake in the ground. maybe I will come back. I am reclaiming my energy and sanity. I have to answer the home question at another time. I know I can not stay in this house, in this neighborhood. That is all I can act on for now

For the first time I have contemplated what leaving Dana point means. I am giving up home. The danger of my mental and financial state was flashing red I needed to get out to survive. But now that the threat is over, the process of extracting commences I am left wondering where I call home? I love utah but there is no place to go. Could be wyoming. Maybe still Dana point? Will Arizona behind home?

As hard as Modesto wax there was a clear narrative. Dan’s point was home and I was fighting to preserve it. In Arizona I am giving up home. I needed to get away from the work energy here. But just a place to return to. A place to dream about. Where will that be?