1:49pm in office at work. My alertness has slowed down. Now I am casually thinking about other things. Thinking about the WIL and our time working together.

6:37am back from walk and working out. There are many thoughts and memories going through my head. I want to explore and honor all of them. But I become overwhelmed. I have to be disciplined in what I think about.

My energy is low. It has been so high for the last two months. Adjusting to normal speed. I have found a new job. This energy is familiar. Staying present. Committing. Being committed to. I oray this is the place I find solid ground

5:30am day three morning. Leaving for a walk. My guard is coming down. The high stress of anticipating a new job and getting started have abated. Now my mind is thinking about larger context, goals, meaning. Normally I would think those are good things. The last two months have scarred me

7:46pm End of second work day. I worked and got home ten minutes before six pm. Ate dinner. Called my mom wife and daughter. Got ready for bed. Read some No Depression. I was busy enough to stay out of my head. No time to over think. To go negative. I resist with as much strength as I have to take the easy path. I will not wallow in feelings sad, sorry or defeated. This is the place I was sent. This is the purpose I was meant to fulfill

7:50am Positive thoughts and self confidence break through like sunshine through clouds. I choose to honor those feelings. Focus.

Second day of work. Boss. Leader. Face of the program.

7am. I am constantly vulnerable. I feel fragile. Like any moment a stray thought could break me. I don’t want to feel vulnerable. How do I address this? Do I acknowledge the feeling? Bless it and let it go? Do I acknowledge all the thoughts that fly like rocks through the air? Try to deflect, avoid or absorb them? Or do I steel my mind to think only positive thoughts? Grit my teeth and ignore negativity?

6:30am My mind is constantly bombarded with thoughts of fear, failure and disappointment. I am consciously aware of the situation. I choose not to overthink. I see the thoughts. I acknowledge them. I let them fall away.

11:48pm What is real? What is true? Is there a direct causal relationship between feelings and experience? Am I a victim or is my perception flawed? Do I put myself in situations where I set myself up for failure? If I am given the opportunity do I take it?

Objectively part of my problem are results. I take jobs that are results oriented. Sales, operations. They are also jobs that require a skill set that fall under “office politics.” the ability to maneuver around situations where your value is questioned. Even challenges. Regardless of results. In my first and last job in California both organizations were at all time highs for census and revenue. The first I was the director of sales. The last the executive director. Results were not the problem. My value to the organization, my contribution, were challenged. I failed to position myself as integral.

This job will be a results position. The program is not in good shape. There is not a clear direction from lack of consistent leadership. There are financial issues. Whether the program thrives, gets turned around, will reflect on my ability and worth to the company.

Funny how my default setting is to be morose and feel sorry for myself. It is like a drug. So easy to get a high from feeling sad and moping

6:26pm. Finished day one of work. Came home, ate dinner, thinking about going for a walk. First day was fine. Non descript. I have had too many first days. Since leaving the chaplaincy I have had first days of work in 2009, 2010, 2011, twice in 2012, 2014, 2016, 2017, twice in 2018, 2019, 2020, and now 2021. That is 13 first days in in less than 11 years and four months. I am numb. I feel a sense of pride that I met the challenge after the shitty start to the year. That I was able to get another job, stay mentally focused, handle the logistics of moving to a new place. The drive home was relaxing. Enjoyable in a new place. But nothing means anything. What am I trying to accomplish? How long can I stay? Do I stay? the dirt day, the first two months of the last job went well. I was going to stay and get my daughter through school. I feel nothing. I am not sad. I am not optimistic. I don’t have dread but I also don’t have happiness. I am just going through the time.

Record scratch sound effect. have to catch myself. I write my narrative. If I am going to be morose then that is all I will get. If I don’t control the situation and change the narrative all I will get is all I have ever gotten. I am a strong dynamic leader.