12:45pm interesting observation. After about 3 hours with people my mind starts to wander. Like I am floating away. I want to keep engaging with people but it is hard to focus. And I start yawning. Big gulping yawns. And I can’t stop. I used to interpret that I was tired. But I am not sleepy. I don’t want to take a nap. I had a good rest last night. But the yawns keep happening and my concentration Peter’s out. I am not sure what is going on. I am hungry. Maybe eating will help. It isn’t a fatigue thing. At least not sleepy. It isn’t a caffeine thing.

I don’t want to rest. I don’t want to be alone. I definitely don’t want to analyze or overthink. I want to be engaged and productive

As a i leader I set the tone for how people will behave. I set the emotional tenor of the day. How the office operates. What is considered important. Our attitude about success. Having seen leadership in various capacities and been a leader I know it is enormous responsibility. The attitude and success of the branch is a direct reflection on me. I start this new job fully aware of the situation and expectations.

7:49am arrived at work. On to the next adventure.

7:25am leave the apartment for work

6:49am Seven weeks ago I woke up, did my morning routine and got ready for work. It was the first work day of the new year. I drove to the office collected my things and walked in the door. I was geeeted by the hr director. She informed me I had been laid off. it was my ninth job in nine years. I was barely holding things together. The job was my redemption narrative, a new beginning and stability to see my daughter through school the next five years.

Over the course of the last seven weeks I have dealt with the most mental and emotionally traumatizing experiences I have ever felt.

Now I am here. In Phoenix starting a new job. I reminded myself all night not to overthink. My mind is racing it wants to pull a million different thought, memories and emotions into the day. Even typing this takes me out of the energy I wish to be in. Focused. I came to do a job. To get right with work. To be an outstanding leader and employee. To be proud of who I am.

I’ve the last seven weeks I have choked on lonilines, free time, isolation overthinking. I have felt new beginnings and disappointment. But now is the time to get started. And to end this first batch of posts. I will publish it in some way. So there is a record of my experience.

Now I am off to shower and get ready.

8:36pm lights out. First day tomorrow. 7 weeks from bullshit to new life. New city. New job. This year has begun very interestingly

I find it so interesting how I dream about achieving great things but when the time comes to perform or work my energy gets all blocked up. I get nervous, anxious and scared. If I think about the book, writing and championship energy the channels open and the power flows. But I need to be cognizant or it starts to get blocked and back up inside me.

I noticed something peculiar. When I was in California I walked in my heels. I am looking to buy new shoes. The heels on my workout shoes are worn through. But on the walk this afternoon I found myself pushing off either the balls of my feet. The change in gait could be the result of engaging different muscles in the move. Or it could be a reflection of my attitude toward life.

Back in 2003 when we moved from California to Utah I framed becoming the chaplain like an actor getting a part that shot on location in Ogden. That concept carried through for years. I loved imagining since I went to California to act in the first place that was how I envisioned my new opportunity. With this move I picture being an athlete, a basketball player that was traded from Los Angeles to Phoenix. On the Los Angeles team I was a bench player that never had a defined role. In Phoenix I am the go to star of the team. I have championship energy.

Turning off the inner dialogue is important. I find the energy flowing through me, feeling free and light. Then I note I am doing it. I step outside of the experience and become an observer. That is when I lose my concentration and the energy stops flowing. Introspection kills championship energy. There will be time to reminisce in the future.

Th other thing I do is treat each day as a challenge to be endured so I can get the payoff if feee time. Lockdown has shown me that feee time alone is terrible. I have had too much of it. My problem is I indulge my two hobbies when I have free time. Over thinking and over drinking. I don’t need to struggle through life to isolate myself and go insane. I need to be me and help other people. Be a part of a team.

I had a small epiphany last night while I was dancing and singing in the mirror that I think is actually significant.

A little adjustment in my thinking led me to believe the time I really am on stage as it were is when I am working. At the job. As the leader. The energy I envision or desire singing in the mirror is the energy of working or doing a job. I just always want it to feel magical. But doing a job, performing in front of people is work. I have acted, performed musically and worked. There is always anxious anticipation before doing something. I am curious when it became so negative?

I remember getting ready for the state baseball tournament when I was young and being so excited I could sleep. I was a opus but in a good way. Flash forced to preaching and one of the reasons I stopped was because Saturday’s before preaching wer unbearable. I would be so worried, nervous that the layoff wasn’t with the stress. In high school when we played as a band I could wait to be on stage and sing. Now I am stressed before going to work on Monday. It is interesting how the energy is interpreted. The point is I am 49 now. There is no value in day dreaming or wishing for someday. My time to stand in front of people for real is now. Be that as a counselor, a writer, a leader.