I am going to take the job in Phoenix. I am going to accept the the duties. The budget my sales allows and I am going to build a stable life for me and those that depend on me. I chased and fought for bigger, better and more for a long time. I don’t have regrets. But I must move forward. Always forward. The spelunker, there is no back, go forward until I find my way

When I was younger I concentrated on the largest questions of my existence. What will I do for a living? Who will I love? Where will I live? How many children will I have? There was so much to see, places to go, people to meet, experiences to have. My mind could not contain all the curiosity.

By my mid thirties many of those questions had been answered. Many of the discoveries had been made. For the first time I recognized just beyond the surface a dark void of nothingness. It terrified me. Time was running out. I blamed my circumstances. I thought I got lazy. That I had trapped myself in a place and job.

I moved. I changed careers. I chased things that seemed important. Money, titles, possessions. But the void only grew. I became tired. Now I live with the void constantly. I barely distract myself with entertainment and vices. I am almost 49. I am learning to live with the void for the rest of my life

My mind is a whirlwind. The time has come to leave. To give notice on my house and move. The options are get the job and move to Arizona or not get the job and go back to Wyoming/Utah. I have fought against change or making a decision for three years. I am broke, tired and frustrated. I kicked the decision down the line month by month until now the decision is made for me. I have no money and no job prospects. My credit is shot.

Not getting the job would be a bitter defeat. Similar to when I applied for a Vice President job three years ago. The time I started to lose my edge.

With this situation there is fear and hope. I vacillated about leaving before. There are some benefits to leaving. I chose to stay because I believed it was best for my daughter. Now I do not have a say in the matter. Some decisions aren’t made until they are made for you.

There is no narrative. I lost my bearings. I don’t know what pressing on looks like. I don’t know what giving up/resetting looks like. moving to Phoenix is a reset but no guarantee it will happen and odds are it won’t end well. The only other reset possibilities are utah and/or chaplaincy. I worry I will never feel passion/love/joy or purpose again

Before falling asleep last night I read some magazine articles. When I woke up I laid in bed before getting up to go for a walk. Lying on my back I tried to recall what I read. I pictured the pages, the information, the feel of the magazine. I could recall two article headlines and three facts.

Interestingly on one level of my brain I can tell there is a complete image of the pages. A photographic memory if you will. I know it is is there. But I can’t retrieve the information. When I try to access the image to read from it like the magazine is in front of me the picture goes haywire or there are gaps I can’t focus on.

I have noticed since I started my experiment of limiting my interaction with the device my ability to retrieve information has improved. That is because I have the mnemonic of the visceral and tactile. I believe it is also because I am reading less. There are three books I am reading and some work material I have printed off. My mind is not as cluttered with information.

Also I am willfully looking to remember and recall. I have a purpose. When I was using the device the purpose was to distract me.

Last year I was gaining weight and losing muscle. I blamed it on aging. I figured I was losing muscle mass and my metabolism had slowed. While this is true in reality I had slipped into bad eating and exercise habits. I lost my edge. Slowly I have put together a better resistance training routine and my muscle tone has improved. I realize I need to eat less. I was eating more for entertainment.

I was lifting weights out of obligation. When I became more cognizant of building muscle my physique improved.

I was eating for entertainment. When I changed my eating schedule I realized I could still fill full and enjoy food without eating as much (that is a different post)

I was reading for distraction. When I became aware of the need to focus on retrieval my mind became sharper.

Yesterday I was slipping back into routine. The device is like a security blanket. When I was younger I sucked my thumb and had a blanket. When I felt stressed I was comforted by my thumb and blanket. THe phone hits the same neuro receptors as the blanket. When I was feeling stressed about the job interview I wanted to plop down and lose myself in the comfort it provides.

I want to just bury my face in my device this morning and time out. Read stupid news stories, watch videos, be completely devoid of thought.

I had some rough dreams last night. A sad one about the WIL and one about being fired.

I feel guilty if I am not being productive every second. I didn’t choose this! I would still be working if I had the choice

There is a lot of pressure in a sales career. No matter what you provide as far as numbers you are expected to do more.

“How can we improve our numbers, gain more market share. How can we get bigger, make more money, beat the competition?”

I came into sales after eleven years working as a chaplain. When I was a chaplain I wanted to be with people in a safe and welcoming spiritual environment. I sought to discover their journey, thoughts and experiences. Meet them where they were, find common ground and share our strengths.

Sales is about making people feel a need or a want and then filling that need with your product or service. It was the exact opposite of how I interacted with people or the world. I was young and brash. I wanted to test myself. See how many titles I could amass. Make the most money. Buy luxury goods. I do not regret my sales career. But I am tired. I bless it and release it and move on to the next phase of my life.

I started working in word documents. I am using the structure of Henri J.M. Nouwen’s book Here and Now, Living in the Spirit.

He has 12 sections with a average of 7 250-300 word essays in each section. I find using his style gives me a sense of authority to speak to others.

I also feel comfortable attaching the term “Secular Spiritual” to what I am and what I do.

Secular spirituality is the adherence to a spiritual philosophy without adherence to a religion. Secular spirituality emphasizes the personal growth and inner peace of the individual, rather than a relationship with the divine. Secular spirituality is made up of the search for meaning outside of a religious institution; it considers one’s relationship with the self, others, nature, and whatever else one considers to be the ultimate.^[1] Often, the goal of secular spirituality is living happily and/or helping others.^[2]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secular_spirituality

I am being too literal with the device restrictions. If I am using it to write or communicate then it is acceptable

My recall seems to have improved. I call the device the black hole now. It is just a slab of glass, metal and black plastic. Now I read books and write in a physical journal. My mind can much more easily remember what I read and saw because every book is different. Different story, different pages, different feel I. My hands, different SMS. Different stains, wear and tear, reading level etc

I am curious to see how the interviews go. I feel more eager to talk with people and share who I am.

Interesting experience… I talk out loud more and sing more since I stopped staring into the black hole so much. Just before noon yesterday I began reciting my life history out loud. I quickly went over, born in South Dakota, grew up in wyoming, went to collage in Nebraska and seminary in California before returning home for my first job, moving back to California briefly then to utah for the job I loved. That part of the telling covered the first three fourths of my life and went by breezily.

Then I started talking about the last nine years. And the last nine jobs. And it drained me. It was exhausting to talk about. To relive and examine.

I am exhausted. And what I have noticed especially since 2014 is a change in how I relate to my experience. My experience has become something I have to massage and change to try and please an audience. Up until coming to Southern California nine years ago my past was something I was proud of and lived to share. Then it became something I had to, I won’t say lie about, but varnish the truth.

So many secrets, so many lies. I forgot who I am. And even the angle I take with one job interview is different than what I take with others. Having been a hiring manager I know what needs to be said and how. I want to believe forthright is the key but really it is being what they want you to be.

Case in point. I was honest with the first couple recruiters and jobs about my most recent job. But the moment I said I got laid off they shut down and disappeared. So for this current job in Phoenix I said I needed to leave because they don’t have benefits. Which is true. Another job I said they wanted me to move to Texas. They are moving the company to Texas and moving positions there but my position was eliminated. There is no lie but a lot better angle grounded in reality that would not trip up or raise red flags. It probably is unethical but so is going broke

My mom saw my emails and messages about job interviews. I felt very upset my secret was out. She didn’t say anything because she wouldn’t call me out on any secret but I was upset

My mom is staying with me. It is interesting to live with her again. She is independent but has some falls and hurt both her shoulders. She moved in shortly after my daughter and wife moved out. My mom is unobtrusive to a fault

I am passive at work. In every job there is a time when you have to stand your ground. I am passive to a fault. I avoid confrontation. When I was a chaplain that was a strength. As a leader it is a weakness.

I don’t want to be an executive director. I want to write books and speak publicly.

A job in Oregon is showing some interest. I have three interviews in the next theee days with the Phoenix people. It is moving quickly. Feels like a good fit. A large coma pu with benefits. I really liked talking with the woman who is hiring and would be my manager. I am interviewing with HR, compliance and my would be managers boss Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. If I am reading the situation correctly the hiring manager wants to hire me and these are just crossing t’s interviews.

“Sometimes its better to lie, than to say all the things I got on my mind…”

-Benny Blanco

There is an undercurrent of another life just below the surface. The reasons are complex. The simple answers are guilt, keeping the peace, embarrassment, shame. Fear of failure.

Eventually the feeling the real person is trapped inside. The outward shell becomes revolting and is rejected.

With the WIL the secret was empowering. As time passed it became frustrating. Now I don’t want to talk with her unless everyone knows I love her and would be her husband if she needed/wanted

Writing these posts. I keep them hidden. I am baring details about me I haven’t revealed to many people.

Growing up I found empowerment dreaming of being a professional musician, a rock star. But no one, even my closest friends would have known all through college and seminary I believed fervently I was going to achieve that goal. They would have told you that dream died when I left Wyoming at age 18 to go to college.