Life is beautiful. But it has overstayed its welcome. The narrative was great. The story wrapped up beautifully. Yet it keeps marching on.

This is the last Sunday I will live here. It is hard to embrace when it is over. Nothing to really say or enjoy. I don’t particularly look forward with excitement. I don’t look back with joy. I am just lassoing through the weigh station. Indifferent to life

Going through the posts. Looking at the WIL. Thoughts are a cycle of torture. Does she ache for me like I do her? Is she indifferent? Is she mad I haven’t reached out to her? It was a year ago today we last truly communicated. Texts messages back and forth wishing we were together.

Is she scared I would be with someone else? Does she care? Does she want me to keep hoping or move on? Logically I know it is over but I would rather be tortured without her than physically with someone else while empty inside

10:14am home, Dana point I am wrapping this up next week. First book ends with first day of work. I will keep doing the posts and books. But this feels hopeless. Nothing will change. At least I am communicating in some level. That is all this is. Not a key that unlocks happiness

10:10 am at home Dana point I am actually getting bored. I am so sick of trying to figure life out. There is no victory. But there is no surrender. There is just futility. I believe on emotional level life can get better. on a practical level i know this is what life is, was and always will be.

9:40am reality is setting in. I am leaving Friday. I can’t stay. I will lose my sanity.

Thinking back on previous decades. 8 turning 9, 18 turning 19, 28 to 29, 38 to 39. I wasn’t really happy in any of them.

Had a couple people say they are interested in the truck. Might meet one today.

Yesterday the energy flowed through me. Today it dammed up under my right rib again.

I have high energy. The energy needs flow through me. Or it will cause mental and physical damage

8am, sitting watching a movie with my daughter. Thoughts from last night. Woke up at 2am feeling stressed and depressed. Then I remembered I had a great day yesterday! No matter why I wake up with fight or flight.

I avoid confrontation. The landlady and I are having a disagreement about how much rent is due next month. I haven’t responded to her latest message. I keep going over in my brain how or what to say.

I expend so much energy holding onto this place. The pressure of being. Parent and providing. How do I support and care for my daughter without the stress of worry all the time? Young me was care free, strong and unburdened. I didn’t worry about rent, foreclosures or even disagreements with my boss. I don’t expect to be completely carefree but I need to find stable.

I read an innocent exchange in a book. The boss was calling a reporter in and wouldn’t tell him why. The writer didn’t mean to make it stressful but I had ptsd.

9:51pm laying in bed. I literally feel like a different person. I am terrified to think too much. What is I become what I was the last month/13 years?

Watching Mike birbiglia. About birth of daughter.

We could not get pregnant for five years. No reason. 15% of infertility is unexplained. Did in vitro

Was a long shot it would work. But it did. The moment they handed my daughter to me was amazing. I think about it all the time. When her life began. My birthday is in a week. My mom reminds me of where and when. I understand. The birth of a child is singular and spectacular