measurement of success for experiment to limit interaction with device (smartphone) beginning of day 3

area 1, Engagement: hard to tell if there is improvement because it was going to be measured at a job, which I don’t have. The interview went well yesterday. I printed off a file and reviewed that before the meeting and was able to articulate my standpoint

area 2, retention: This area appears to have improved. Interacting with the device makes me passive curious. An inquiry comes to mind, I look up the answer. The goal was to improve my ability to interact and articulate thoughts I had formed. Using the interview as a reference point the experiment went well. Using hand written notes and printed pages made me able to have a conversation on a deeper level than previous interactions. Again this is subjective and not in a controlled environment so I can only report how I feel the situation is going.

area 3, happiness: Yesterday was a rough day. I am encountering feelings of being unmoored. The concept of myself, passion for my narrative, values, my purpose. All of these things feel adrift. I am now more sure than ever I need to leave Southern California. I don’t know if the feelings stem from the experience of the last decade of life, the device situation, the pandemic,my age, cognitive deterioration. (Side note, one thing I have noticed using my computer for the posts is my reliance on spelling auto-correct has caused my ability to spell to deteriorate)

Not using the device makes me overthink. I spend a lot of time examining my life and purpose. Without distractions I am doing it more. This has made me anxious.

My writing and capturing thoughts have diminished. I am aware of every time I engage the device. I am trying to limit my interactions. Engaging the device and opening the app is the best way to quickly capture my observations in the moment. There must be a compromise. I need to interact with the device to be accurate. I used a pen and pad yesterday but it has been physically cumbersome. Using the pad is time consuming. Honesty, especially about my personal relationships, is compromised using the pad and pen.

I am dependent on these posts. This is how I communicate. I constantly wrestle with going back and changing past posts. The drive to control the narrative is overwhelming. I want to shave off, eradicate what I consider embarrassing.

Hiding, manipulating, silence are my defenses. They are my personality and my behavior. The most passionate part of myself is a woman who instead of marrying and celebrating I kept hidden and secret for years. Family and friends reach out to visit or talk and I ignore them. By not engaging I control the situation. I also live alone inside my head.

I was a chaplain for almost 11 years. Then the next four jobs were change and growth. It was three months into the fourth job that a new manager chased me off. The end of that job and the next eight were all about survival. Fighting to stay in Southern California. They had paychecks and paychecks paid the bills.

This is the first interview I am going into completely numb. The job is in Phoenix. I will pack up and leave Southern California if I get it.

Parts of me don’t want to leave but it is for the best. I am exhausted. I have lost passion for the narrative. I need to start over. If not Phoenix then someplace else.

Leaving is always hard but it is a serious situation. I am very lost. I am scared for my sanity if I stay

On my way to interview at 4pm. Today has been weird. Not sure avoiding the distraction of the device has been helpful.

If I am going to work a job I want to go back and be a hospice chaplain. that is the best job I ever had. But going back means closing the door on hope of a better tomorrow. Closing the door on getting out of debt. I have outgrown the system I have done for the past nine years.

1. apply for a job
2. interview for a job
3. get a job
4. not really invest in keeping the job
5. repeat every 3 to 12 months

It is a two way street. These are shitty user high turnover jobs. It is just an exhausting way to make a living. I am in debt, I am bored and I lack any overarching theme of value

The premise of my experiment is becoming clearer.

Premise: The repetitive act of picking up a device, holding it in my hand and staring at it has caused my sense of happiness to diminish. The act has caused my ability to retain information to diminish. The repetitive act has caused my ability to engage in money making activities (work) has diminished.

When I receive the vast majority of my information in a constantly repetitive fashion I do not have other tactile and visceral markers to recall that information. Lacking these extra mnemonics my ability to retain is falters. I do not recall facts. I do not remember details. I remember sitting and staring at something in my hand.

Information and entertainment, distraction and titillation are easily accessible. I do not need to engage in relationships when I can readily find sex. I do not need to engage in friendships when I can watch videos. I do not need to engage in work because I can easily find another job. I flit on the service of life.

Extra thoughts:

Because I am limiting the act of repetitively engaging with the device I decided to start writing down things in an extra art pad/journal my daughter had in her room. This will slow down my ability to capture thoughts because I can’t instantly do it on the device. I have to physically write things down and then sit at the computer and translate them into a post.

But I can collect my thoughts a little more so my thoughts should have more cohesion.

Now that I writing physically and reading books I find I remember things better. I am not sure it is because the acts themselves allow for better retention or because they are new, therefore stimulating. Perhaps after a while writing in the pad and on the computer will become as redundant and interacting with the device?

I am writing this at 7:30am. There is no need personally or professionally to check my device before 8am.

I need to find professional fulfillment. I am exhausted with the job hopping. I am worried I will not be able to change my behavior in regards to work without changing my environment (moving)

Something I don’t interpret as pleasure occurs every Sunday evening. Consistently. The feeling all the promise life can hold doesn’t fill my cup.

I could do anything, go anywhere, be with anyone. But it wouldn’t be enough. Graham Greene talked about it in The Power and The Glory. It is the feeling of showing up at a party just after something amazing happened. there is a beautiful moment just beyond my ability to fully experience it.

Sunday I am hopeful the start of the new week will hold childlike bliss. Instead the week begins as all others have. Builds to the relief of the weekend. The weekend ends with the denouement of Sunday evening. The feelings of the week are cyclical. Why is every week the same but expect it to feel different?

1. I don’t know the date without looking at my device. I found it on my computer 01/24/2021
2. Since I am not constantly looking at my phone I am not as aware of the time. This has reduced my anxiety.
3. I have noticed I am less anxious because I have to come up with alternative ways to get information. This occupies my mind and reduces my anxiety.
4. Not using my device re-institutes a curiosity bridge. with my device I think of something, I go to my device and discover the answer. Without it I need to figure out how to get knowledge. What tools or resources are available to me? where can I access them? Now it usually means using my computer instead of my device but even that changes the equation
5. I am not sure the change is better. I approach things different. I can’t quantify the experience but since I am looking at things different I am distracted. If I am distracted from depression, anxiety and hopelessness then I will take it. I guess that is better.

Dumb phone, feature phone, simple phone.

Candy bar phone, flip phone.

I am not sure of my premise. I believe I will be happier. I fall into the thought process that the device is addictive. I am tempted to frame it is the antagonist. This isn’t about the device or power it holds over me. this is about maximizing my experience on earth. I believe I will be happier meeting certain human needs in more personal encounters.

On a walk this morning i saw someone wearing a sweatshirt for a college close to where I used to live. We talked for five minutes. I went for a walk and had a face to face (social distanced) conversation.

The device is not the problem. The device is quick and convenient for distraction. This is removing the quick and convenient. This opens up re-exploring other avenues for interaction and engagement. Some might be new, others might be things I have done in the past.

Writing these posts has become one of them.

More hypothesis/observations

I estimate I first got a smart phone in 2008?

I am not even sure

Examining preaching/chaplain/spiritual care.

I stopped preaching and being a chaplain in 2009.

Potential reasons: I lost my ability to concentrate. I couldn’t trust myself to preach without notes. I lost passion for discovery.

I blamed grief. My dad had died. When he died the obligation was gone.

I blamed experience. I had been preaching for over ten years. There was nothing new to discover, learn or share

I blamed aging. I was older. I believed my memory slipped

These things might be true. I am investigating a new angle

The device is useful for GPS. I used to read magazines and newspapers. I had them at hand for knowledge and distraction

I use my device as a watch/timepiece

This is not a comment on society. This is research on my life experience. I hypothesize I will be happier. I am doing this because I truly believe changing my relationship with this electronic device will make me enjoy life more

Specifically I hypothesize it will make me more engaged in relationships with family and friends and more engaged in the work I do to earn money. More engaged in life

The device is useful to listen to music. It is useful to take pictures. And videos

I am a lonely man who truly only has a relationship with an electronic device