I propose an experiment. I am going to utilize my computer to check email and catch up on news/current events. I can use my television.

I will use my computer to pay bills. If I want to look at pornography I will do it on my computer.

When I need to talk to someone I will use my device. I can also text with my device. I can use it to write posts.

I hypothesize my memory will improve, my communication will improve, I will feel better about myself and others will note that I have changed and seem happier. I also hypothesize I will perform better at work.

This is a crazy radical theory. looking at things that have changed. I always zero in on relationship status, the end of a jobs, deaths of those close to me, becoming a parent. One other thing that changed at the same time was getting a smartphone. Is it possible to even function in society without a smart phone? I am an introvert. A smartphone is dangerous. I don’t get out of my comfort zone. I “connect” with people anonymously. Is that really a relationship or am I just extracting superficial attributes while avoiding the parts that require work?

Every decision is an emotional decision made in the moment. I do not have a grand logically created map I consult on every decision. Often my emotions change from daily. About work, life, relationships.

My communication with women, co workers and bosses also extends to family and friends. I am just not a good communicator. I do not reach out unless someone initiates the conversation.

Every day feels more like I am leaving. That I have to leave. Last night I dreamed about shedding the last nine years like a snake sheds it’s outside skin. This life is an empty husk that will be left behind

The only way to get over a relationship is to invest in a new one. I need to invest in a new relationship. Carrying a torch for a married woman no matter the circumstances is ridiculous. She is fine. I need to move on

For over a decade I gave all I am to the WIL and our relationship. She has not talked to me for a year. When her husband found out about us I was ready to drop everything and marry her. Instead she has vanished. I have to accept reality and move on. I have been dumped. For whatever reason, legitimate or not. She didn’t even try to reach me once.

I need to be reborn and move one. I am consciously putting together a soundtrack that isn’t about lost love or reminds me of the WIL

“You know I tried to be a hero but I was lying to myself, I walk alone…”

Hero, weezer

I am tempted to go back and start looking at what I have written. Compile the posts, edit. Make a cohesive narrative. Go deeper and flesh out themes. More out of boredom.

I am forsaking sex and hook up sites. I don’t miss the sex. I miss just connecting with people.

I don’t have a job. I don’t have love. I am happy my daughter and her dog are here. I am happy my mom is here.

This energy needs a creative outlet

I prefer to be alone. I don’t absolut choose it always. I miss things about chaplaincy and ministry I haven’t missed for a while. Talking to people about existential matters

No matter how happy or sad I am I am still playing the game. There are many times I feel I have lived my life. even if I emotionally feel complete I still am in good physical health. My insurance company is confident enough I will live to 80 they bet money on it.

Whatever may come my way I will deal with it. I am too chickenshit to cause my own physical death. eventually I will be gone. the time I am here from this point will not be defined by any plan of my devising.

I am an ordained Christian minister. This is my prayer.

“I don’t know what you need me for.

I don’t know if you are pleased or disappointed in the life I have lived.

I don’t know when I will die.

I don’t know anything.

From this point on I turn over whatever I am and ever will be to your purpose.”

Just because something ends doesn’t mean it was a failure. Everything begins, lives and ends. Even the most beautiful things in the world