I can’t trust myself. I can’t figure this out on my own. I need help. Counseling

I don’t know how to have healthy relationships. At work, personally, in any setting. How did I become so fucked up?

Depression is like a bad story. It hurts and scares me but I have had enough experience to cope and outlast. There is cohesion to the narrative. The narrative just sucks.

Panic is ducking scary. There is no narrative. It is an explosion. All my thoughts are puzzle pieces. Floating in dark space. Electric static like lightening. I can’t find a through line.

Suicide. Physical death. That was the worst option. I am physically healthy. Not likely to harm myself. The worst option now is mental breakdown. That could even popsicles lead to death. Seriously. My brain shirt circuits. I am not sure what would happen.

There are so many negative thoughts around work. I don’t know if I can mentally keep a job. The regional vp I would report to sent me an email. She asked for a bio to share. I sent her a response. She didn’t acknowledge she got it. I am so scarred from nine jobs. This has sent me into a panic. Is there something wrong with my background check? References? The bio I wrote? Did she not get the response? What if she thinks I am unreliable now?

Tomorrow I go to Phoenix. Now it becomes real. This wasn’t a choice. I should have moved a year ago. I couldn’t afford this house. My pride put me deep in debt. I wanted to stay stable for my daughter. I was confident I could make it up. I failed.

I left nothing on the table. I am really low. Perhaps broken beyond salvation. But between utah, the WIL and Southern California I lived the life I wanted.

My teammate and classmate had lung cancer in his twenties. Died at 40. He wasn’t promised anything. Neither am I. Sometimes life is fun, sometimes you find salvation. in the end every story is a tragedy.

I can think of a million ways to make myself feel something by feeling sad. I don’t want to feel sad any more. I am peace . Please give me the conduit to share peace

I cleave the past. Time to start over. Fresh. New. I rescind all I knew. I am peace. Inside and out

Today’s mantra is picturing the big straight new neuro freeway filled with peace. I am parked on the side of the shoulder watching it fill up before jumping in.

Today is a beautiful day in Dana point. The sun is shining and there is a cool breeze. My daughter and her dog walked with my mom and I to the grocery store. On the way home she told me how much she will miss this house.

This is the first weekend we are together since I told her about Phoenix.

Moving from this place is right. Change needs to happen. But what is treasured will always be missed.

I spent so much energy and money holding on to this house. Putting off moving in hopes fortune would turn.

The time has come. This is the place my daughter most identifies as home. leaving will be hard. A new begging doesn’t come without sacrifice

Now there is a record. How I thought. The hopes and dreams. My interpretation of the world. The things I valued. The people I cherished.

There is a peace realizing my thoughts won’t die with me. Even if no one cares. Even if they are never read. They are in the world. I existed. I had energy. I did something

The new neuro pathway, parkway freeway I will fill with peace.

I will radiate peace within. Share it with those I meet. I just want to bring peace to people.

Being a hospice chaplain gave me an outlet to provide peace. Let me be open to dining a new outlet. Not trying to rile the world. Be everything. Accomplish everything. Just find peace. Give peace.

I release the emotional ties that paralyze me. I release the thoughts that sadden me. I release the perceptions disappoint me.

I let go of all that weighs me down. I am reborn. Starting fresh.

you can only do your best. I believed I would be a great salesperson. When I moved to California I was confident I was going to have a celebrated sales executive career. When I tried to start my own business I believed that was the way to make more money, advance my career.

I want to beat myself up. Treat my life like a car that needs to be fixed. I act like if I modify something I will get better performance.

I am who I am. I am trying. I never tried to fail. Or disappoint. Professionally and personally.

I have a new adventure. A fresh beginning. It will start right around my 49 birthday. A new beginning celebrating the first beginning