I am tempted to dismiss my ego as something that took me away from my calling. When I didn’t worry about money, titles or possessions I simply served as a spiritual counselor and that was enough. I doubt that is fully true

I have a pain in my ribs on the right side that I have had for years. It always seems like my organs are swollen. I believe it is where my pancreas and gall bladder are. It has always been present but is more pronounced. I feel like I have digestion issues and blood sugar issues because of it. It is more an issue than a problem. No one lives forever and something has to take us. No guarantees

Last night as I lay in bed I imagined a scenario where an earthquake rendered my house uninhabitable. If I had to leave immediately were would I go?

I would take my mom back to wyoming and then I would go down to utah, get a utah phone number and a private mailbox with a physical address and look for work.

I would look on south salt lake county and utah county because there is less emotion attached.

I would look for work in the broader healthcare operations or sales. The words that kept repeated it when thinking about it were “spiritual” “leader” and “owner.”

The tension eased in my rib and my soul opened up

I have to face the fact the most likely scenario is getting a sales job in Orange County and downsizing my lifestyle. Even then it is going to be tight. But getting a job somewhere else and having the ability to keep it are pretty slim. I feel like a mush brain. Like I am incapable of deep organized thought. Just like the physical limitations of getting older I have to accept the mental limitations

Even if I get a job here I would still have to sell my truck to raise funds and move to a cheaper living situation

I am broke, in debt and jobless. I have very few prospects to get a job that covers my expenses as they are now. I could go anywhere and do anything. I just need illumination

I feel the darkness around me. Not connected to anyone. It is weird. I have friends, I could reach out to them. At least chat. Why am I inclined to mope and be depressed? I build a cell then moan o am in prison

I cleaned the patio this morning. I don’t have a lot of free Saturdays so I am kind od bored. I don’t know what to do. The only thing I can think to do is write in this blog. Seems to be the theme of the day

I am literally putting this post in because I have nothing to do. Let’s see. I wake up usually around 4:30am and go for a walk. That is one thing that defines me. I get home after an hour and do about ten minutes of resistance training or weight training while watching the weather. Then I have a protein bar, drink coffee and check the news. my mom is staying with me the last two months so around six thirty I go for another walk with her. Before two weeks ago I showered and got ready then went to work around 8.

Now I hang around and go slower. About 9 I leave and start looking for jobs. I need to pursue owning a hospice and setting up an llc.

Income home to eat lunch then go back out and check more. I read articles and watch YouTube videos. I get sick of staring at my phone. This week I started typing this blog so I pull up the word press app and can be creating immediately. That makes it more fun and easier to get thoughts down. I had to start typing with my thumbs which is a change for me but allows me to type faster then pecking with my right index finger.

The. Two o’clock comes around and it is temptation time. Sex food alcohol. Or sit and use will power to avoid them until it is a respectable hour to go to bed.

The only time this seems interesting is when I talk about sex.

When I think about sex, what I think about, fantasize about it what I have done/ might do I use words like embarrassment, shame, guilt. Why is that? Why do I have negative feelings.

It seems like there is an ideal I strive to be but am not. So when I inevitably fail to be a caricature of a loyal monogamous husband I flog my history.

The fact is the facade blew up years ago. I consider my wife just a friend.

I believe she uses our daughter as a way to keep me in line. She knows I am not faithful to her but I will choose my daughter because I am a dad first. So if I am spending every weekend with her I can’t be with another woman.