Around two pm I start thinking about the end of the day. Usually that means what fast food am I going to eat, what can’t and desserts will I have. Will I get drunk? Many years ago it meant video games and chewing tobacco. I am a disciplined person in the morning ad during the day. But when I feel things are winding down I slip. I can be good but I am antsy and using stubborn will power. Many years ago when I quit chewing tobacco I adjusted my schedule. I started going to bed at 8pm and getting up at 3am. I still get up around 4:30am now to get my walk/cardio in and work out, drink coffee, catch up on news.

T this point to avoid eating bad and drinking too much I might have to go to bed at 6pm. Get up at 2am. I am kidding. I could get up before four but it feels weird. For a little while I used to get up at 1:30 am. I found myself getting up to use the bathroom and couldn’t fall back asleep. Instead of lying in bed thinking I took my dog for a walk, worked out in the apartment complex gym, wrote for a while then went back to bed at 4:30 and slept until 8. It was kind of nice. Best of both worlds, getting up early and being productive, getting my workout in and getting to sleep in.

My mind is clearer since I found an outlet for my thoughts and activities.

Before I started blogging and putting everything in here my feelings and actions fell into a black hole. What was the meaning or purpose?

Just the act of transcribing my inner thoughts into a blog gives more purpose. There is a way that they can be on record for discovery. You wouldn’t believe how freeing that feels. Since I started writing my mind is working. I am seeing opportunities instead of obstacles. Purpose not mundane. I am alive again and excited about the future.

I think about contacting the WIL every single day. And I could do it. I want to do it. The thing is I don’t want to hide my love for her or sneak around. If I sneak to contact her that gives other people power. I am not sneaking around to see her ever again. I want her completely or not at all. She has chosen to be with another person and o respect that. She has to do what she has to do for her kids and family. I have to be patient, have faith and take risk. I would rather luv with hope of being with her in any way that do anything else.

There are three ways I think she feels. Mad sad and indifferent. If she is mad at me I can accept that. If she is sad like I am I can wait for ever. Her being indifferent scares me. Terrorizes me.

I just came out from under a nasty hangover. I drank too much beer last night and didn’t eat enough before hand.

I realize I need to own my own business. I have outgrown being an employee. It is a lesson I am still trying to learn and make the transition since I was 45.

I have to bite the bullet and buy a hospice. I have no internet kissing someone’s ass and being an errand boy. Until I step up and do it I will always feel out of place and burn through jobs

Living in Southern California is a privilege not a right. I can be replaced at any time. I think about nfl players when I say that. You do what you need to survive. I am having the first inkling of a breakthrough about job keeping not just getting.

I watched a video on Florence Italy this evening. All I could think about was the WIL. Creating art and statues for her. She is beauty and perfection. I do everything for her. If she has truly become indifferent to me my very essence will burn to ash

I have to shit out any belief she doesn’t care about me or I will die

I applied for three more jobs today. Total of ten.

Still three contacts. Outside chance something comes from yesterday’s call but not banking on it. The other two conversations went cold and the hand off referral is barren.

Seems like there is more activity and openings out there. Since most want a clinical manager I expanded back into sales as well

I can hang on to people, think about going back to an old job. Go back to a place. I can piece everything together again. The one thing I can’t replicate is time. All those things. The chaplain, Ogden, friends lovers for on a beautiful pocket of time. Time is fleeting and it holds those experiences and once it dissipates and the moment ends the only thing left to do is fill another pocket with other experiences

They found my missing money that was supposed to be used for stock purchase at my orevious place of employment. That is good. I should get my severance today or tomorrow. I am dialing on the job search. More seem to become available. I am looking for sales as well. I am hungry. Now that I have got some money in place if I can land a position by February and increase my salary it has been a good trans.

There is a moment when I appreciate the freedom of not working and sick of jumping back in but then there is a time I am on the hunt and nothing can stop me. I will land a job with more pay. Next I need to work on my retention skills.

I really need to consider just biting the financial bullet and going back to chaplaincy. I day dream a lot. I don’t know if it is fair to my mental health or prospective employers to get jobs that want 24/7 accountability.