I can’t remember my dreams. I know they are there. But the ability to recall them to conscious thought is missing. Like a bridge between two shores. The road can’t be traveled. I know they are over there. Wanting to come over but can’t complete the trip

I have been thinking about the song running to stand still by u2 lately. Great vibe that whole album has

I want to date. Meet a woman. But I don’t want to pay the cost. If I bring another woman into my life I don’t have time or space for my daughter. For my mom. I lose hope for the WIL. Or an idealized notion. I would prefer to be abstinent. I feel stupid just having meaningless drunken encounters. I feel like I use people. That I am shallow and unsafe.

Whatever I became at fifteen is what I am now. I am not smarter. I am not More enlightened. I just have seen more outcomes. The final reward is always the same. To achieve something then look back and marvel at what I have done.

How I look at the world stays the same. Last night I had a dream. I don’t recall the substance but my feelings changed. I didn’t knot up my insides like usual. I didn’t start thinking familiar thoughts to get familiar neural pathways. I was different. Those familiar pathways good or bad form my world view. to step outside them was freeing. Also scary. Having a set understanding of the world catalogs everything. Without the familiarity I am an adolescent again. With them I am tired and frustrated.

The land lady returned most of my deposit today. A couple thousand dollars. Very welcome. I didn’t expect anything back. Yesterday I started missing Dana point. My house. How I had the living room set up. Our Saturday routine before lockdown. How life was before it all changed. It isn’t real. I was broke and unhappy. But the sliver of memory is nice. Dropping my daughter off at music. Running errands. Drinking beer Saturday nights. Going to target Sunday afternoons as a family. A lot has changed for a lot of reasons since 2019.

5:47am (the set up) negativity, anxiety, frustration, doubt. Endless stream. Then I come here and start to write. I find my leader, warrior energy.

I am frustrated with my behavior this weekend. Thoughts about it take away from the positive energy I possess. I apologize. I forgive. I bless and release. I move forward.

I am the captain. I helm this ship through good and bad. Return it safely to port. Mission accomplished. I am in charge. I am the center of attention.

The newness is wearing off. I need to find cruising altitude. Stay in this job. Captain the ship through high and low.

My daughter and wife are sick. Flu? Bad food? I hate when my daughter is sick.

I drank too much on Saturday. I had anonymous hook ups on Saturday. I feel frustrated. Even more than shame. I can’t control my behavior. I hadn’t drank in two weeks. I hadn’t had a hook up in over three months. I don’t want to act that way. Cleaver…

I am the boss. Twelve hours of in control. Strength. Power. Get things done.

Thinking too far in the past paralyzes me. Thinking too far in the future makes me anxious. There is only today

Ten years ago today I started my first job as a director. It was totally different. I felt like a failure. I didn’t want to be in an office. I felt like a caged bird. I was in Ogden but I couldn’t drive around and be free

I have found a groove of great energy. That is based on perception. Circumstance. But is is a gift of place. I couldn’t find my groove in Dana point. No amount of positive thinking could turn the tide. I needed to change my place. My perspective.