5:45am I am remembering 18 years ago. Moving back to Wyoming, commuting in to Utah every day for a month. Being the Hospice Chaplain. The memories still feel fresh. Vibrant. “…that’s my favorite time, to rewind my life on…” Willie Nelson.

Interesting memory…playing baseball in high school. I played many positions. We had a big opening game in a tournament we were hosting. I started the game pitching. Held the other team in check for three innings. They got to me the second time through the line up. I was pulled in the fifth inning. My dad came to me after the game. “That other coach was really good. He sized you up, saw your tendencies and then had his team adjust their approach.” That was it. No pep talk. No tear down. No advice how to address/counter. My dad objectively appreciated how a coach identified a way to improve his teams performance. My dad didn’t express frustration at my performance. Didn’t express sympathy. He simply marveled how a man coaching against his son used his intelligence to win. I am not really mad about the memory. I suppose I could be. I suppose anyone could be mad at their parents. If my dad had said he was disappointed would that have been better? If he would have yelled and told me to win at any cost would that have been better? There is no right answer. My dad was who he was and reacted to the situation in his unique way. He was a fascinated observer of life. I appreciate him for who he was.

12:09am I need to stop seeking and start being. My energy flows strongly to puzzles, adventure. I never sit still. I am always plotting a move over. A jump up. I have honored that energy for 13 years. It flows through me. But it keeps unstable. I need to be where I am. To honor stability. Saying that feels like trying to hold back a gushing torrent. there is a battle. Be what I “feel” I should be (seeker) or be what I know will provide more success and purpose (being) Either choice requires sacrifice.

6:55pm made it through the day. I am aware of my blind spots. Shortcomings. I have fixed them. I win. I grow. I make growth.

Funny…my energy wasn’t in that last part. I am aware of my blind spots but until I see results I am skeptical. Attitude doesn’t matter. Feelings don’t matter. Results matter. Bottom line. We are in the dog house at work. Because revenue is down. I told my clinical leader “census fixes everything.” If our census was 10% above budget no one would care about issues. 10% below budget all the little shit matters

6:09am sitting at my dining table. We only have today. This moment. Last night I truly embraced the moment. I wasn’t thinking far ahead or dwelling on the past. I was enjoying the evening. What will come will come. On the walk this morning I realize when I go back to see my daughter that is me living in Dana Point. I don’t have to say I left. Or I failed. Or moved. In that moment I am home.

6:02pm my tv is now set up almost three months after moving in. I feel more settled. Less transient.

7:14am I no longer believe I have the tools for success. By success I mean generate business, revenue, sales. WAIT- that is not true. I can’t magically produce success on my own. I have been a part of successful teams before. I am committed. I am passionate and present. I worry I will be punished or fired because I cannot turn the ship. I am sick of worry.

“…within ourselves there are voices by night which are not heard by day…The guilt of past days and night stands up and begins to speak to us. And our pillow becomes a stone on which we can find no rest.” Helmut Thielicke, out of the depths, pg 60

5:36am where is the energy for success? A woman I knew back in Orange County opened a home care business. Private pay. She didn’t want to open a home care business. She was starting a home health company. the process was slow. in the interim she opened the home care. Her business grew quickly. It was easy to see why. feel why. Her energy was gravitational. She wasn’t a marketer. She wasn’t a businesswoman. She was a nurse.

I work with another woman who is the same way. She instinctively finds success. she isn’t driven by money. She isn’t a salesperson. Her actions simply add up to what most people try to achieve and fail.

I have worked with a number of people that have that ability. I am envious of them. I can see the playing field laid out for me. I can see multiple paths to success. Yet when it comes time for action I fail. I get many jobs that are numbers focused. Like sales. I am not good at purely driving numbers like my friend in Orange County or my employee. I wish I was. I got many jobs because people thought I was. But I was mostly good at selling myself. In operations I have more possibilities. I can make numbers in ways other than straight growth. I can manage expenses. Control costs. I am not an all star salesperson but I can be an all star operator.

7:13pm I want to write but I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. I want to grow. Thrive.

10:02am when I am challenged I step up.

Disclaimer: in the past I gave up. My energy has changed