7:05pm got a referral first thing this morning. I worked on it myself. Made the day much better. I was busy. I was productive. That is what I need every day

Do you ever have one of those moments where you wonder how the hell you got where you are? I was standing in my kitchen making coffee when I had a powerfully vivid feeling I was in my old house in Dana Point. I turned around to go to the living room and realized I was in Arizona. It felt absurd. one second I was the old me. Living in California, making coffee like I had a thousand times before. The next moment I was the new me. Living in Arizona. A completely different life hundreds of miles away. It felt like I was in a movie where I crossed some unseen timeline. I hesitated. The memory of Dana point felt good. I wanted to linger and experience it more. But it faded away. Just like the past always does…

5:41am I am sick of writing. I am sick of getting no where. I am sick of pining over lost love. Of being scared and frustrated at work. I am exhausted. I don’t want to go over and over emotions that mean nothing. I am in a fucking mood today.

3:25am I have reached the plateau. At the moment I am vexed. My attitude has been positive. I have given maximum effort. I am engaged. I am present. I show up. I do the work. I have accomplished nothing. Revenue is lower than the day I arrived. The hole is getting deeper. I have enacted change. Certain staff have selected out. But with revenue down I can’t replace them. I can generate new business but with licensing survey coming up we are extra cautious. This week has been tiresome.

I dreamed about a giant solar field like the ones outside Las Vegas. In my dream the panels would not work unless they were connected. There was a large section of panels to the left. Another to the right. The middle was empty. I was talking to a group of people about closing the gap. I explained the energy that will be generated when the circuit is complete.

I am the captain. We are on the voyage. I make decisions. I see them through. I am strong. Decisive.

(Just for context…I am beating myself up. I feel like a failure. I fear getting fired. I am frustrated. I want to pout. Scream. Cry. Blame someone or some thing.)

11:49am we are having some issues recruiting and on boarding staff. I have a tendency to get frustrated. When I am frustrated I want to give up. Let go. Move on. This is another behavior I have to modify. I am part of the team. I am here for the long term

11:22am at work. Revenue is down. My sales neurosis kicks in. I feel like a failure. That I will be removed. This is a learning moment for me. I am the captain. As the Captain I get the ship through rough waters. The route is never easy. Or straight. but we will be successful.

8:31am at work I think a lot on my morning walk. This morning I was remembering how I approached being the chaplain when I first moved to utah. Being the warrior, dropping into battle. Focusing on my tasks for the week then heading triumphantly home. I was following a similar model in Arizona. Saying I came out here after visiting home the weekend before last, spending two weeks in battle then claiming my reward. It made me think I wish I could work ten days straight. Then take four off. That would cut down on travel time and expenses. It also would minimize the time I spent In Unhealthy behaviors. While I was in the shower I had an idea. I will flip the weekends. Instead of seeing going home as the reward it will be part of a two or three week block that ends with one weekend staying in Arizona. I will work five days, which is good energy. I will travel Saturday and spend time with my daughter. Also good energy. Then travel Sunday. Work the week. Go back to California. Work a week then stay in Arizona. That give me 19 straight days of positive energy at work and as dad and only two days of the least enjoyable energy. It will cost more money. But it will be better for me as a person. Better as a parent.

5:53am This morning about two thirds of the way through my walk I thought about the WIL. More specifically, feeling dumped by her. My insides instantly soaked in toxic chemical energy. I started to panic. I had obsessed over this thought many times. It is destructive. paralyzing. Evil. I blocked the thought. I refused to hurt myself. I am in control of the narrative. I will not burn my soul with negative thoughts. I finished my walk. On the way back to my apartment I stopped by the gym at the complex. By the time I began working out I felt better. Taking control of my thoughts, avoiding a direct onslaught of torture minimized the damage. Still, the initial release of neural energy remained. Every song seeped sadness through my guts. It has been so long since I have seen her. Talked to her. Touched her. Yet she dominates every thought i have.

7:34pm getting ready for bed. Not much to say. My mind feels blank. Not often I am without some contemplation

9:27am there are three me’s. Alone me, with other people me. And work me. All my life I liked to be alone. Not doing much of anything but daydreaming. I would day dream about relationships. Achievements, ways I would be successful. But there was a disconnect. When I had to be around other people or go to work I didn’t see it as a chance to make my dreams come true. Rather as an annoyance to ens

Sure until I could go back to day dreaming.

Lockdown destroyed my enjoyment of being alone. I have changed. In Arizona,for the first time, I like work me more. I like spending time with other people. I hate being alone. I think too much. I drink too much. I get depressed. Now I live in the world instead of in my head. It isn’t always easy but it feels more natural. I am finally being who I should be.

A charismatic, decisive leader who accomplishes great things