The jackpot on the slot machine I played last night was $100,000,000. For an instance I imagined winning that money. How would my life had changed? I would feel vindication. After nine years I have no confidence in my abilities. Nothing to show for my career. No historical data that proves I have any idea what I am doing. After nine years I have no wife, no WIL. I have no meaningful relationship with a partner. After nine years of clawing to keep Southern California a safe home for my daughter I am moving to Phoenix.

In a little more than a week I turn 49. I am on a fucking epic losing streak. I still believe in redemption. The question is, “which will come first? Redemption or death?” If I play the game long enough I will start to pick up wins. Find a job I am good at, build some fortune. Get involved in a healthy relationship. Mend the ones from the past. Provide for my daughter. The real life struggle to stay sane and alive is constantly in my face. The darkness is racing after me. The devil might get me before I see my fortune turn. But I still have to run

I am feeling vulnerable this morning. No matter how much I type. My wife, my daughter think I am making a rash decision. I am running away from my problems. Maybe I am. The only thing I know is I cannot function in a professional capacity living in Orange County. Maybe I am broken completely. Maybe Phoenix will be the same. But this is the situation I face. I have to try. I could not financially stay any longer. I know it is necessary. I know it is for the best. But I feel I failed.

“By hiding parts of our story…we claim a divine role for ourselves; we become judges of our own past and limit mercy to our own fears.” mornings with Henri J.M. Nouwen page 4

I swear I spend 99% of my thoughts lamenting loss. Lost memories, moments, relationships. Lost physical abilities. Lost energy. I mope constantly.

There has to be acceptance. This is my time. The fate of the moment. I need to exist. as I am at this time.

Like a top level pitcher, focusing only on the pitch at the moment. The top level golfer focusing on the putt. There are zero thoughts that need to be present other than the task. I want to lament past losses, current situations. Easy to see those are not helpful.

I want to consider a narrative. Build a big picture. Grow professionally. All those things are just as poisonous. What I consider strategy derails me. Defuses commitment. I have one play. One opportunity to find stability. The neuro pathway owner/leader energy

Won $182.53 on the night. not bad. Off sets some of the cost of the trip. And I had fun.

Feeling lonely tonight. Not sure how to change that.

Lacking confidence. Started to go down the old neuro pathway with work. On one level my sanity and financial health depend on succeeding at this job. On another level I see years of precedent failure. The new neuro pathway of ownership/leadership can address the concern. Can I achieve top level consistency day and day out? I am good at getting jobs. I only need to be in character for an hour. 50 hours week in/week out, different story.

Flip side. I want free time. But free time equals overthinking. Anxiety. I gear down i feel disappointed. I gear up I feel overwhelmed. What is healthy and productive? I can’t find fair value. For me or my employer.

Give me a magical lamp. I could not tell you three wishes that would make me happy.

Wasn’t ready to head back. Didn’t want to stay another night in Phoenix. Made my way up north to Las Vegas. Good drive. I like going on road trips. I am in a low enough frequency. I don’t overthink.

I signed a lease. Now I have a place. Have to get back to California. Sell the truck. Pack essentials for living. Arrange move of furniture. The process can be overwhelming. Went into target to use the bathroom. Had a flashback to utah after the move. That move was heartbreaking. This move is hard but the larger energy is getting away from toxicity.

My mind keeps wanting to deconstruct the move from California. I am too fragile to do that. I need to stay focused on my ownership energy. My peace energy. The energy surrounding work and career in California was extremely toxic. If I don’t cleave that I am going to hurt myself mentally, emotionally and financially

One thing I struggle with is staying in the moment. Engaging the mission. Focusing on the goal.

My mind is always searching for positions that take into account all past values. Being in a good place isn’t enough. I bring in childhood thoughts. Past memories. Experiences from long ago. They all crowd in demanding validation. And if one is incongruent I lose my edge. I scramble to recalibrate to satiate all viewpoints.

Talk of cleaving is to remedy that. Phoenix is a new start. Being the director is a new start. These posts are a new start. I am in a good position as a father and leader. For the rest of the year I have focus. Complete the logistics of moving. Establish a strong foundation. Lead with conviction. Provide positive energy and peace to everyone I encounter.