Every decision is an emotional decision made in the moment. I do not have a grand logically created map I consult on every decision. Often my emotions change from daily. About work, life, relationships.

My communication with women, co workers and bosses also extends to family and friends. I am just not a good communicator. I do not reach out unless someone initiates the conversation.

Every day feels more like I am leaving. That I have to leave. Last night I dreamed about shedding the last nine years like a snake sheds it’s outside skin. This life is an empty husk that will be left behind

The only way to get over a relationship is to invest in a new one. I need to invest in a new relationship. Carrying a torch for a married woman no matter the circumstances is ridiculous. She is fine. I need to move on

For over a decade I gave all I am to the WIL and our relationship. She has not talked to me for a year. When her husband found out about us I was ready to drop everything and marry her. Instead she has vanished. I have to accept reality and move on. I have been dumped. For whatever reason, legitimate or not. She didn’t even try to reach me once.

I need to be reborn and move one. I am consciously putting together a soundtrack that isn’t about lost love or reminds me of the WIL

“You know I tried to be a hero but I was lying to myself, I walk alone…”

Hero, weezer

I am tempted to go back and start looking at what I have written. Compile the posts, edit. Make a cohesive narrative. Go deeper and flesh out themes. More out of boredom.

I am forsaking sex and hook up sites. I don’t miss the sex. I miss just connecting with people.

I don’t have a job. I don’t have love. I am happy my daughter and her dog are here. I am happy my mom is here.

This energy needs a creative outlet

I prefer to be alone. I don’t absolut choose it always. I miss things about chaplaincy and ministry I haven’t missed for a while. Talking to people about existential matters

No matter how happy or sad I am I am still playing the game. There are many times I feel I have lived my life. even if I emotionally feel complete I still am in good physical health. My insurance company is confident enough I will live to 80 they bet money on it.

Whatever may come my way I will deal with it. I am too chickenshit to cause my own physical death. eventually I will be gone. the time I am here from this point will not be defined by any plan of my devising.

I am an ordained Christian minister. This is my prayer.

“I don’t know what you need me for.

I don’t know if you are pleased or disappointed in the life I have lived.

I don’t know when I will die.

I don’t know anything.

From this point on I turn over whatever I am and ever will be to your purpose.”

Just because something ends doesn’t mean it was a failure. Everything begins, lives and ends. Even the most beautiful things in the world

I woke up in a grouchy mood. Everything gets in my nerves.

I looked up anxiety. If you are anxious the advice how to cope is pedestrian. Avoid alcohol, avoid caffeine, exercise, get rest, eat healthy.

What helps me the most in these situations is listening to music. I recommend the ding “Pieces” by Gary Allan.

“we’ve all been lied to, we’ve all been liars…”

It is after 8pm. On a Friday nights. Not late. What should I do?

I could just pack it in. Read for a little bit, fall asleep.

I could text friends and acquaintances. Catch up with people I have not talked to for a while.

This is usually the time I feel lonely and look to connect with someone new. It isn’t aleays about physical sex. Mor often than not it is simply chatting with other people and the thrill of talking about sex or hook ups. when I threw away the boner pills this morning I kind of felt sad. I don’t really want to hook up with people but now the possibility is gone.

When I stopped drinking alcohol a couple times I realized it wasn’t just the actual moment of drinking I missed but all the times I thought about it, escaped into the idea.

Sex and alcohol aren’t just escapes in a specific moment. The anticipation of the acts fill so much time as well