4:19pm, sitting on the couch, listening to music.

“And the day pressed on like crushing weights, for no man does it ever wait; like memories of dying days, that deafen us like hurricanes.” Rise against, Savior

I have learned nothing. I haven’t improved. My work history is my grade. I have earned a F. I could write off my emotions and mental state as overreacting. I feel the same thing other people feel. The job thing is a black eye. The fucked up thing is there is an easy redemption story . I am doing work I don’t enjoy and am not suited for. If I could go back to being the chaplain, or find a new ministry or a career I liked it would be just part of a great larger story. I can’t find that next act.

Life is beautiful. But it has overstayed its welcome. The narrative was great. The story wrapped up beautifully. Yet it keeps marching on.

This is the last Sunday I will live here. It is hard to embrace when it is over. Nothing to really say or enjoy. I don’t particularly look forward with excitement. I don’t look back with joy. I am just lassoing through the weigh station. Indifferent to life

Going through the posts. Looking at the WIL. Thoughts are a cycle of torture. Does she ache for me like I do her? Is she indifferent? Is she mad I haven’t reached out to her? It was a year ago today we last truly communicated. Texts messages back and forth wishing we were together.

Is she scared I would be with someone else? Does she care? Does she want me to keep hoping or move on? Logically I know it is over but I would rather be tortured without her than physically with someone else while empty inside

10:14am home, Dana point I am wrapping this up next week. First book ends with first day of work. I will keep doing the posts and books. But this feels hopeless. Nothing will change. At least I am communicating in some level. That is all this is. Not a key that unlocks happiness

10:10 am at home Dana point I am actually getting bored. I am so sick of trying to figure life out. There is no victory. But there is no surrender. There is just futility. I believe on emotional level life can get better. on a practical level i know this is what life is, was and always will be.

9:40am reality is setting in. I am leaving Friday. I can’t stay. I will lose my sanity.

Thinking back on previous decades. 8 turning 9, 18 turning 19, 28 to 29, 38 to 39. I wasn’t really happy in any of them.

Had a couple people say they are interested in the truck. Might meet one today.

Yesterday the energy flowed through me. Today it dammed up under my right rib again.

I have high energy. The energy needs flow through me. Or it will cause mental and physical damage

8am, sitting watching a movie with my daughter. Thoughts from last night. Woke up at 2am feeling stressed and depressed. Then I remembered I had a great day yesterday! No matter why I wake up with fight or flight.

I avoid confrontation. The landlady and I are having a disagreement about how much rent is due next month. I haven’t responded to her latest message. I keep going over in my brain how or what to say.

I expend so much energy holding onto this place. The pressure of being. Parent and providing. How do I support and care for my daughter without the stress of worry all the time? Young me was care free, strong and unburdened. I didn’t worry about rent, foreclosures or even disagreements with my boss. I don’t expect to be completely carefree but I need to find stable.

I read an innocent exchange in a book. The boss was calling a reporter in and wouldn’t tell him why. The writer didn’t mean to make it stressful but I had ptsd.