The inability to grow professionally is frustrating. I am doing the same job I was doing ten years ago. I am making less money then I did nine years ago.

I feel like there is a vein of untapped potential I am always failing to access.

I imagined words like confident, rewarded, recognized. I have been unsettled, insecure and distant

A lot is riding in change…

Not to trivialize when I am spiraling but a lot of it is I am bored.

My approach to lockdown has been to just gut it out. Even if I am depressed and anxious I need to suck it up. I need to change my mindset. this is the new reality. Sucking it up is breaking me.

I am usually good at entertaining myself. Reading, going to the gym, walking, browsing in the stores. All pre pandemic things. I need to be more proactive with my mental health

I got a wave of positive thinking at 4am. It is nice not to be keyed up every single second

I have imposter syndrome. I hope it is from sales and Southern California. Changing my perspective changes my confidence.

I am excited to get started at my job. I am the new captain. This is my ship

Feelings about utah and the WIL are dangerous. They are heroin. I need to treat them like an addiction. If I am not there, if I am not with her I am torturing myself. Use the new neuron freeway and park the car of rampant emotions

Moving is monumental. The process of uprooting one location and establishing another is draining

Moving brings many forgotten norms back into focus. There were a lot of mindless ruts in my life. I am forced to re-examine them

My energy is much more flowing to leave than stay. No time is perfect to move. But this is the right time. I wouldn’t stay if I could.

I love the memories of my daughter in Southern California. The inability to find a stable career was disappointing. I want to commit to mission. To have friends and allies. To appreciate a job. To be appreciated.

These thoughts were rolling around in my head all night. I was able to recall them. My experiment of limiting mindless device scrolling seems to be paying off. anecdotally at least.

I am going to get back in the habit of sharing random thoughts. Since I started compiling the posts I noticed themes. Work, moving, relationships, depression. Subconsciously I started to edit. All I thought worth sharing were those themes. I think about other things. What is the movie where someone wrote random thoughts in thousands of journals? The one where he did it because he Hud gold in the ink?

Holding on and clinging to this house has been what strained my sanity.

Moving is either going to liberate or destroy me. Either I am snapping the last thread or breaking free from the demon

In 2017 I ignored the financial warning signs I needed to move and downsize. That screwed up my wiring. Instead of responding appropriately to danger i kept spending savings and retirements.. now I am haywire.

I can’t trust my feelings because I didn’t normally respond to them. I feel like my mental health has deteriorated since then

I think I am depressed. It is not an emotional overwrought depression. It is logical. Nothing seems worthwhile. I feel like my soul is burned out wiring that once carried true emotion.

This move is either going to save me or destroy me. I have too much time to think. I need to work.

As a chaplain I was confident and passionate. I believed 100% unequivocally I was the best hospice chaplain. How I did things was right. I was passionate about my work. I never doubted I gave absolut value to my employer.

As a sales professional I felt like and acted like a fraud. Six months into my sales career I knew I wasn’t good at sales. I didn’t like the work. I didn’t believe I brought value to the organizations I worked for. I was an imposter hustling the company. When tension arose that was the time the job was over.

Operations are different. I have confidence I bring value to an organization. I am not necessarily passionate. I don’t believe I am the best. I can and will be a solid leader.

A little kernel of doubt slipped in my mind. It is growing out of control. Is the inability to keep a job because I am not good at sales? Is it the viewpoint in Southern California? Or is it something else?

I started having this problem when I became a parent. I am terrified I will move and it will be no different. My confidence is so low. I have ptsd from jobs going south. I watch shows and if a boss gets upset I feel my stomach tighten.

The trauma goes back further than Southern California. It first happened in utah. The new manager at the hospice where I worked as a Chaplain tried to run me off. Fuck. I am broken

My competitiveness is kicking in. I have been in Southern California for nine years. I tried every angle to stay.

I am on the brink of financial ruin.

I am dealing with serious bouts of depression and anxiety.

I dislike the work I have done. The impermanence of multiple positions.

Yet leaving means losing. I need to deprogram. dump this thought line. Amazing how the mind can latch onto one simple thread and ride it to stupidville

Working on personal budget today. My entire adult life I always had a budget. Two years ago I ran out of savings and started to run up debt. I got into lazy habits. My budget is going to be tight. not including servicing debt already incurred.

Today is a rough day. My daughter will be coming over for the first time since I told her I was moving. I keep thinking I made this choice when really I had no option. One way or the other I have to give up this house. The cost is crushing me. All the other intangibles, new perspective, starting over are justifications for me to accept the situation. I am happy for the change. I believe it will benefit everyone. But giving something up always hurts