A lot of fragmented shallow thoughts this morning. Utah, California, Arizona, moving, work. Last night as I slept my mind was redirecting negative thoughts. That is two nights I have been aware when I start to go down dark paths.

“The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead, a light to burn all the empires, so bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be” mcr, the sharpest lives

The biggest question; is the problem me? The jobs I take? The place that make me act a certain way? Or see things a certain way? I tried changing the type of job by starting my own business. That did not work. Now I am changing place. Thinking about changing place makes my energy flow better. Thinking that this will be my tenth job in nine years. But the operations thing is new. I don’t know how to read the last job. Is it more if the same or did changing to operations really help? Perhaps now I can find steady, mutually beneficial relationship?

Many times I thought for Dana point was my angle of repose. That this was the last place I would call home. No matter how far I traveled or how long I was away this would be my stake in the ground. maybe I will come back. I am reclaiming my energy and sanity. I have to answer the home question at another time. I know I can not stay in this house, in this neighborhood. That is all I can act on for now

For the first time I have contemplated what leaving Dana point means. I am giving up home. The danger of my mental and financial state was flashing red I needed to get out to survive. But now that the threat is over, the process of extracting commences I am left wondering where I call home? I love utah but there is no place to go. Could be wyoming. Maybe still Dana point? Will Arizona behind home?

As hard as Modesto wax there was a clear narrative. Dan’s point was home and I was fighting to preserve it. In Arizona I am giving up home. I needed to get away from the work energy here. But just a place to return to. A place to dream about. Where will that be?

I have a hunger to achieve more. The desperation of the last month has pushed me to the brink of mental breakdown but also made me start writing these posts. I want to be more than just a sales manager or a director. I see these posts, the books as a possibility to achieve more. Yet I clip my own wings. I wonder if it is worth sharing. I am afraid of being honest. I don’t want to get my hopes up and realize I am mediocre

Staying true to limiting device use. Check email and texts but usually just write posts now. Still marveling that I don’t know how to be content. I am so used to being in crisis mode. Especially since the beginning of the year. How do I relax and savor the moment?

Just like I am not as in tunes with my body I am not as untuned to my environment or stressors. I Alfred so much better now that I am not trying to start a job and move. By pushing the move out two more weeks I can just focus on the job aspect. I am so relieved. I feel relaxed and confident. It is weird. I am not used to feeling positive emotions. I have gotten so anxious stressed and worked up I get anxious for not being anxious. I need to relax and enjoy the day.

I have a call at 4pm with the owner of the hospice company I poke with last month in Manhattan beach

I was having stress because I was trying to start the job and move at the same time. When I gave 30 day notice the land lady said we had to pay until the end of the month. Which was causing me more stress. But now it is a blessing. Since I have two extra weeks I can focus on getting to Phoenix this weekend, getting started at the job and then worry about moving a little later.

I need to let the process play out. Focus for six weeks. Shed this energy, this place. Trust my daughter knows I love her and that I need to go away and get right in Phoenix for a couple months. Get my sanity and my work ethic back. be if value to something larger. It feels cruel and stupid that a part of me believes I was so intent on being a good father and finding a place for her to live I ended up being an unreliable father who couldn’t keep a job and now has to exile for a while to pull my shit together. Phoenix isn’t like Modesto. Modesto was formidable to get to. The drive to and from Phoenix is a straight shot. Modesto I had to drive through Los Angeles county then up the 99 through the Central Valley. It was a long dangerous and exhausting drive. Flying requires doubling back to Sacramento to catch a flight. Phoenix by car and plane is so much easier. I hope it isn’t long term. That I can establish a foundation for her to choose to live there. I need to go. Do what I need to do and trust it will all work out.