I keep weighing the equation of whether I am too honest.

So many people will be offended and feel uncomfortable about stuff. Especially sex. I am offending my own sensibilities!

I keep thinking I need to tone it down. Not be honest. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Then I feel like I am offending people by saying it makes me uncomfortable. the only time I really think this blog is worth reading is when I am truly making myself realize truths.

I keep wanting to explain and justify my actions.

I try to be everything. A successful employee or business owner. A faithful and loving husband. An attentive father. A devoted dad. Someone who volunteers his time to organizations and causes.

But I slack off at work. I enjoy time alone more than with groups. I fell in love with an amazing woman. I get horny. I strive for an ideal. I gave it my best effort.

There deserves to be an honest record of the journey

I should probably get a divorce. We are separated. We haven’t been intimate in years.

I thought I was clever. I would stay married, have my girlfriend and sneak around and have hook ups.

Sneak around. I am so exhausted from sneaking. I made the promise to myself when I started writing this that I would not sneak around for sex or intimacy. If I am going to be intimate with someone it is because I have got to know them, am I. A committed relationship with them and sex and intimacy are a expression of love.

There are two barriers to that. One barrier is I am still married. I need to be honest and divorce my wife before I can be in a relationship with anyone.

The other barrier is I have given all my heart love and intimacy to the WIL. In the last year since I haven’t spoken to or seems the WIL I have talked with or been with four women to varying degrees. But there is no discovery. Everything from text messages to sex and benign conversations remind me what I lost and how much I miss her.

The WIL used to tell me that I ruined her. That she could never have sex or feel intimate with anyone else. I am a dog. I have had sex with other people. all it did was break my heart. She ruined me forever.

By the time I made it to 48 I was going to feel life was a mess. There are too many experiences to not be overwhelmed. I miss people that are no longer part of my life. I wonder about paths not taken. careers, places, relationships. There are no regrets. I don’t feel bad or that I made mistakes. I have hurt people. But in all my decisions I was doing the best I could in the situation.

The job in Phoenix contacted me. I have an interview set for Monday in Los Angeles with the regional Vice President.

When I moved to Southern California the first time I went to be an actor. After two months o considered myself a writer. Then I was going to join the army. Before long I was going to get my teaching certificate. This was after I had been a chaplain for four years in wyoming. And it all happened in the span of six months. After all that exploring I was walking on a path outside my apartment when I had the epiphany to be a chaplain again. I was enrolled in an education masters program that would take 15 months to complete with no guarantee of a job. Or I could look for work in which I already had a masters degree and four years of experience. It was such a powerful and beautiful moment of self discovery I remember the place it happened. I have made a pilgrimage often to walk the path and stand in the spot again.

Last night I had a dream I was on the path and walking toward the spot. It was ore dawn. Early. Dark. As I approached the spot something large was in my way. I thought it was an alligator. Then it raised ip and I realized it was a large cobra. It flared out it’s good to strike but was facing away from me. Then it turned. I started to back away when it struck. At that point I was jarred awake.

For my entire career I have been directly or indirectly involved in hospice care. Four years as a volunteer chaplain. Seven as a full time chaplain. Since I left working as a chaplain I have done hospice sales or operations more than seven of twelve years.

Hospice has given me money and purpose. It has also given me frustration.

No matter what evidence presented to the contrary I never doubt I was a great hospice chaplain. My self image is that of a confident assured care provider.

Contrarily no matter what I see myself as a subpar sales and operations provider. I do not have inner drive or passion for the work.

I love the concept of hospice and providing hospice care. I dislike sales in general and operations.

Yet I do not want to go back to being a hospice chaplain. That is a path that has already been covered.

I am at the point in life I realize it is a gamble. I hope that I will no longer have to do sales and operations. That I will find a third path that is as empowering as being a chaplain was all those years ago. But I might not find it. Life offers no guarantee.

It is 6:15pm. I have had a couple drinks of double rye. The point where I want to connect with people. There are a couple of texts I can send

Going forward is scary. I want to grow and evolve. I want to be engaged and excited. But there is only so much bandwidth. Every step forward is countered by moving away from things left in the past. I move forward or think about it and then I worry about what I will lose.

If I am honest I will lose people who liked me before they knew more facts about me. If I take a job in Phoenix I will have to leave California.

When my wife moved out I lost family. I miss spending everyday with my daughter but appreciate the perspective I get from having time away.

I see a parallel process with preaching. For like ten years I was eager to get in front of people and share my insights. Then at one point it no longer held interest.

Interviewing was a sort of performance art. But now that I have don’t it so often it no longer holds discovery for me.

I need to find my expression again

I don’t have patience like I did ten years ago when interviewing for jobs. I used to love the chase. The opportunity to dazzle people with my brilliance. If you wanted me to do a dozen interviews for a position I was happy to do it and excited to prove how great I was.

Now I have answers the questions so many times, seem the ugly backside of jobs ending and the thrill is not so great. I am bored and anxious. That comes through when I talk with people. It makes it harder to get a job.

I looked at buying a hospice again. I have the interview at 2pm today. Not much else going on.