I am really good at getting jobs. Not necessarily keeping them.

When I first moved to California I was like a young baseball pitcher. I had a great fastball. I loved applying for jobs. I loved interviewing. To know me was to love me. Then I got tired of the game. I tried doing my coaching. Ran out of money. Has to go back to work and realized I didn’t have the snap on my heater.

Back to the drawing board. For the last four years I have been roughed up. Took some bad beats. Shitty low paying or total commission sales jobs. I am a wily veteran relying on instinct. Experience.

The last job was a godsend. A director after three years of carrying the bag so to speak. I was in debt. Spending more than I was bringing in. For three fucking years. I blew my savings, most of my retirement, I ran up credit card debt and high interest insecure loans. Every fucking day in 2020 I kept telling myself I had to move. I had to lower my expenses. I kept putting it off. I didn’t want to leave my home. Disrupt my daughters life.

End of July I got a corrective action plan at my shitty sales job. The job sucked but it was job number 8. staying put somewhere had value. Being put on notice actually gave hope. I needed to find job number 9. Perhaps I could get back to the pay level necessary.

I started the ugly whore process on the job boards. Again. Stumbled upon the job. The owner was a guy who I supervised at job number 1. He hired me two weeks before I could get fired at number 8.

The pay was not peak but enough to pay my bills, keep my house. It was a fucking movie made salvation happy ending. A sign god wanted me to stay. That if I just stayed calm, believed in myself, things would work out.

Three fucking months later I walk in and get laid off. He didn’t even call me. Had the hr rep do it.

My mind snapped. During the pandemic with too much time to think. The whip from amazing salvation to burning pile unhinged me. I thought I would stay at that job at least two years. My daughter would be in high school. Just get her through high school. 5 more years.

Now I couldn’t stand the site of Orange County. I kicked and clawed. Scrambled through nine fucking jobs. Found a blessing. Turned out to be the cruelest motherfucker yet. I looked for job 10 in Orange County. The idea made me sick. I needed to get out instead. I looked everywhere. I was willing to go to Sacramento. Stockton/Modesto. I had lived in Modesto before. It was the hardest time of my life. Now I was willing to go back.

Phoenix came up. I missed the recruiters first email. Sent him a message. We talked. Fast tracked to the regional Vice President. Then zoom calls. Division vp, hr, compliance. Offered the job.

I know little about Phoenix. I need to get away. I need to break away. I need to give up the familiar. This house. This neighborhood. I need a new perspective. This is not job 10 in Orange County.

This is job one in Phoenix. There is a new perspective. I am taking it.

Posts are translated over. Now starting to edit/create narrative. Maybe because it is me and I am living it but it seems compelling. At least the first two of 57 pages…

Going to Phoenix next week. My mom is undecided if she will follow me. My wife is sending me job openings in Orange County. Apparently she is nervous. I am too. My daughter has lived here most of her life. Either her dad will now be 6 hours away or she has to move just before eight grade. I don’t want to put her in a tough spot. I want her to come out and live in Phoenix. I still expect my wife to come out too by the end of the year. when a place is just a concept there is uncertainty. After I find a house/neighborhood/school everyone can make an informed decision

The posts are almost all translated to a word document. I am picturing the posts to move a narrative forward and intersperse nuggets of wisdom.

Writing down feelings as they happen is interesting. I notice how quickly emotions change. On the walk this morning it felt like a giant wheel of fortune, clicking and popping. One thought produced a response. Another thought a different response. Sometimes different angles to the same idea changed feelings entirely. It is a little scary to see how reactive and temporal/ephemeral my emotions are

Producing these posts are the one thing I do well. I was a good chaplain and a decent preacher but I didn’t have passion for preaching. I have written many things but nothing particularly good. But the sheer mass of content I can produce is something I am proud of. This is the ride I have been waiting 13 years to find

This morning is peaceful. letting go. I don’t really have control. I am mot making brilliant tactical decisions. I am doing the best I can with the circumstances.

Same with the WIL.logically I know to let go. And I will. Just sometimes old strong emotions rise. I deal with them like I did yesterday. Breathe it out. Bless and release her

I will do the best I can at work. I honestly always do. I never set out to fail or short change an employer. I will give my best, be me. And hope it is a mutually beneficial relationship.

I will let go of the home I have lived in for over five years and the neighborhood for nine. I will feel relief. I will feel sadness. I will feel liberated. I will feel like a failure. I accept the situation and honor all my feelings

Emotions are like waves. If you get on top of them you can ride them. Enjoy the experience. But if you don’t they can slam you into submission.

I got under the waves today. It was fucking scary. To be rationally observant right now and be so helpless just four hours earlier. Missing the wave of emotion is just as life or death as missing the wave in the ocean

I realize the energy I have right now comes from wanting to move forward. I have accepted the job. I want to go to Phoenix. Find a place to live. Get things moving. I have too much free time. And thinking time. I meltdown. The energy was interpreted as depression. It slipped hard today. It is scary. I have to watch it. Control my breathing. And thoughts

I feel a little better. I was having a meltdown. The fever broke. I just need a win. And a new perspective. I refuse to beat myself up any more.

I am in a really dark place with the WIL. I can’t believe she hasn’t talked to me for almost a year. I try to be understanding but I can’t comprehend after all we were to each other she wouldn’t at least once reach out someway to say goodbye. something. Anything. I am destroyed

The anxiety is really high today. Always present.

The biggest concern is I am anxious and depressed by leaving. But I would feel the same way staying. Literally either way I look at a situation I would feel sick.

This leads to panic. It felt like I was getting punched in the gut at the store this afternoon. I am worried. I really need to get medication or something.