The vp job hiring person accepted my LinkedIn request. I sent him a note saying I know the market and we should connect if he hasn’t made a decision yet.

I have a call in 15 minutes about the executive job in phoenix.

I have interviewed for four different VP level jobs higher than the one I am pursuing. This is my fourth executive job pursuit. I got two of the first three

I have done this before. I realize after 20 years I have forgotten a lot of what I have done or experienced. I treat the interviews like a nuisance rather than chance to shine. I need to slow down, be in the moment.

I have to admit what I truly am at this point in life.

A broke, job hopping, unfaithful, home wrecking perv

What do I truly want?

Regarding a job: A job to make money? A job I feel fulfilled in?

Place: Do I want to stay? Do I want to go?

Relationship: Do I want to stay married? Find a new love? Close off my heart and be thankful for what I have experienced?

“It is very hard to keep bringing all of our past under the light of gratitude. There are so many things about which we feel guilt and shame, so many things we simply wish had never happened.”

Page 109, Hear and Now, Henri J.M. Nouwen

By the time I was thirty I wanted more. I quit my job in Wyoming and moved with my wife to Los Angeles County. We moved again a year later to utah. I had another respectable job and still married. Even more, I loved my job. If things were good in my mid twenties they were great in my early thirties. I took a risk, shook things up and came out even better

I met the WIL. Even though it disrupted the ideal of faithful devotion to my spouse it was worth it. The feelings of love, completion compatibility filled me entirely

How could something that felt so perfect ever be wrong?

I became a father

I dreamed for more accomplishment.

I believed I was destined for greatness. Money, prestige, power

I quit my job as a chaplain. I started working in sales, then operation. I moved my family to California

I never again loved my job or felt fulfilled by my daily activities. I was chasing things outside internal resonance.

I love the weather in California. The sunrises and the sunsets. I love the memories I have with my daughter.

Otherwise it has kicked my ass. Nine jobs in nine years. Multiple periods of unemployment. Years of underemployment. $67,000 in debt.

Add on the WIL’s husband finding out about us.

My wife already knew. We had endured that fall from grace a while ago.

The WIL disappeared from my life entirely. I doubt i will ever see or hear from her again.

When he first found out the husband threatened to come out and make a scene. Ruin my life.

He had every right. He probably should have. He could have punched me. Hell he could have killed me. I think in his choice not to he hurt me more. She chose him, not me.

I want to be (or perceived to be?) a unquestioned charismatic leader that inspires observers. I want to be perceived as a person that gives purpose to those that work with and for me.

My actions provide value to as many people as possible and make the world better.

I want to be attractive to everyone. I want to be monogamous. I want to be fulfilled by one relationship.

Why do I long for that? Is that a generally strived for male ideal? It feels like the top rung of accomplishment. The apex. 100 on a scale of one to ten and what I and everyone else agrees is best.

Then my personal cosmic score is tallied in early development (was it my teens? Even third/fourth grade? Striving for school “popularity”?)

In landed somewhere in the average. I was decent looking, had some good attributes and talent. A decent work ethic.

I set out in the world. Got some education. Dated a few girls. Got a job. Got married. Started trying to raise a family. I maybe wasn’t rich or powerful but I was a decent small time example of the ideal.

I had a good relationship. Had a good education. A respected place in society.

I was contacts for an executive job I apply for last night in montana. But they wanted to talk to me about a CLINICAL job in Sacramento. I am totally not qualified but they seem really eager for me to fill it. It is a Director of Patient Care Services job!! It is nice to be wanted but it is too absurd to entertain. I don’t even think regulations wise a non licensed person can fill it…

It feels like the end of the day when I stayed one from school. All the kids came off the bus laughing and playing and I was bored and antsy. It is nice to miss the work but it sucks to miss the reward

Today is a simply beautiful day in Southern California. I have enough money to cover my expenses for the next week or two. I have no constraints on my activity or ability. If ever a time existed where I was free to explore life possibilities this is it.

Yet I can think of nothing. No business to start, no idea that fills me with passion. No plan to transcend to a life more intriguing. I can only think to apply for jobs and hope I get hired soon.

Just to make record of this. I am not having sex with anyone until I am at least 50. There is no connection I want to make or person I want to be with. I am married m, even though that has no intimacy. The WIL is the only person I ever want to share that with again. I would rather die never being intimate again than be with anyone beside her