I dreamt about the WIL last night. I was sitting in the basement of the house in wyoming. The television was on. I heard the rocks shuffling outside the storm well. I looked at the WIL was there. I kissed her face and told her how much I missed her. I said over and over I love her. She barely moved. Then she said she had to go and walked away. I didn’t even care she was indifferent. I was ecstatic to see her. Feeling euphoric I wanted to text her, call her and deconstruct the time together. I became despondent when I realized I couldn’t reach out to her.

My wife asked me about the WIL yesterday. It is awkward when your wife asks you about another woman. She asked if I heard from her or talked to the WIL.

When the WIL’s husband found out about us he reached out to my wife. Very awkward to have your wife talk to the husband of another woman. I promised my wife I would tell her if I talk to the WIL. There is no reason to hide it. Hiding it makes it seem wrong. I am sorry I hurt my wife. I am sorry I caused her husband pain. But I do not regret loving the WIL. I do not feel guilt or shame. I can only do what is best now.

That being said I am an emotional wreck. This will be a recurring theme for a while…

My mind is spinning like crazy but I wanted to start getting this down.

On the walk this morning I pondered the desire to be the great dad/provider versus the desire to pursue passion and honor the inner child me. I wrestled because I feel a strong pull in both directions. Even though I have not had much success in either direction, but that is another story…

Then I realized one thing about being a hospice chaplain.

I had balance. I could see myself in both those lights at the same time. The job for my skills better. I worked for a good company with good benefits. I had decent pay. I could do an above average job with part time effort.

That allowed me times to ponder life. To write. To envision myself as an artist.

As I was walking I started to get nostalgic. there are only so many morning left to take the walk. Never mind that the walk was born out of necessity. I couldn’t go to the gym any more. Now it is a finite commodity. I was getting sentimental.

But I thought about yesterday. How relieved I was to be leaving. The number one value of Phoenix is not the job or the city. It is breaking the frames. The frame of super provider. Of ultra success. Of tireless goal achiever. if nothing else Phoenix and what it represents allows me to pursue balance again.

I need to be disciplined. stay focused. Letting my mind go, feel every single emotion and pursue every thread is destructive. When I started my MBA I learned early I couldn’t hustle my way to peace. Meaning I couldn’t find peace by manically working. I would never finish. There would always be more work. I would just ground myself down.

The same is true of my thoughts and emotions. I can’t feel everything. I can’t think my way to peace. I have to be mindful. Realize the things I must work on. Release those I can’t resolve. Some thoughts can’t be resolved peacefully. I put them in the stream and let them flow. To keep pondering is maddening. And will destroy me

Yesterday was so powerful. The narrative thread that is going to make this move successful is the end of the nine years and leaving Southern California. That aspect brings me joy.

Now I can not remember what I wrote or what I just thought.!This might be redundant

Everyone is aware of the move. There is excitement, anxiety, sadness, disappointment. There is not one decision that will please everyone. Looking back on the joy of yesterday and the relief of leaving. That opportunity for a new perspective. This I best for me. I must be strong. Focused and they will trust me. Lead by example

Words become sentences. Sentences become paragraphs. Paragraphs become posts. Posts become books. I produce books. That is what I do. I will produce them now until I die and let the market set a price for who I am and what I deliver

Reconciling the fact that I have worked sales for eleven years and have had so many jobs. I am consciously focusing on a new start and not adding this new opportunity to the previous nine. I started categorizing the positions

3 were bad beats.

4 were fair, we gave it a go and it just didn’t work

1 was I chose to go out on top and 1 the people were crazy and I was glad to tell them to get bent

The bad beats are the scarring ones. Those are jobs where the numbers were there and people just got rid of me

It is still hard to comprehend that I have done something so long and have a lousy track record. I am either the most stubborn person or the stupidest

Received the offer letter, background check, reference check and drug screen information this afternoon. Time me two hours to get everything together. Still waiting for response from two people I asked to fill out reference survey. Drug screen is friday. Glad to have things moving forward so I can travel to Phoenix next week. Going to tell my wife and daughter about the move. Looking up fun Phoenix facts to close the sale…

I really didn’t think I could ever leave Southern California. That this was life, my happiness was over and I just needed to make the best of a bad situation. I feel like I am blooming again. Like their is actually rebirth. Now that the experience is shifting from condemnation to rebirth I feel my souls hoping again. Southern California is moving to a slot in the last. I am thankful for the time but even more thankful it is ending

Just after graduating college in 1994 my best friend convinced me to work industrial construction in croydon utah. The cement plant was putting in a new sifter and they were recruiting a crew of locals. The job was 7am to 7pm seven days a week. The pay was $8.50 per hour then time and a half from 3pm to seven pm and on weekends. Up til then I only worked part time delivering pizzas for minimum wage and tips 10 to 20 hours per week. I had never worked construction and barely ever used tools.

The work was exhausting. I went home, ate, slept then turned around and did it again. The job was supposed to last a month. After three and a half weeks the foreman came into the trailer before work and announced the job was almost complete and the day would be the last. He thanked me for showing up every day (not to brag but I was the only local hand to make it everyday) and said he appreciated the effort. I cried when he said it was the end of the job. I cried because I was relieved. I cried because I was personally proud. And I cried because the foreman took the time to thank me for my effort (though probably not the quality of my work. My main skill was cleaning the cement mixer)

Exhilarated at the end of the job I headed to Ogden with my friend instead of returning to Evanston. We got pizza and talked about the joy of being finished. We had done what was asked of us and basked in the internal glow of relief. later I drove home, crawled into bed and slept a deep sleep.

The end of Southern California feels like that memory. Every moment since I accepted the job last Friday has shifted my perspective from just another job on the endless grind to a new beginning. Southern California and the nine sales jobs are croydon and the construction job. The ultimate spiritual foreman has said I am done. I can go have pizza and head home. I am so happy I could cry

How the move goes really depends on how my wife reacts to it. I suspect she will be excited and see it as a chance for her to start over. She hates Orange County and blames it for many of her problems. I worry she might see it as me abandoning them but more likely she will suck it up and move and couch it as her daughter needing her dad.

If she gets excited about it that is great. We may not live together or have a perfect relationship but one area she excels is researching and project management.

I need her excited because she will figure out the schools, the neighborhoods, even the houses. Her being on board and involved will make the process easier. She will work the moving aspect possibly.