A friend

(I wrote this two weeks ago. Something happened with an editing error. Either I am reposting this after inadvertently unposting it or it is a duplicate) 6pm, the apartment, Arizona, Thursday evening. I am sad tonight. One of my daughters former classmates lost her dad over the weekend. I just read his obituary. It is hard to believe he is gone. I had no idea he was even sick (or that he was two years older then me). We did many activities at school together. He seemed so young, healthy and happy. My wife saw him not too long ago and said he was in failing health. Apparently he had a heart condition that couldn’t be treated. I just can’t fathom he died. He was so kind, patient and sincere. A loving father and a good man.

Future plans

6:14am Thursday morning, apartment in Arizona. Three weeks until thanksgiving. My daughter has gotten into the show Steven Universe. We texted the last two nights about it. I have watched the movie with her and am going to California this weekend to hang out with her and get caught up on the episodes. On a personal note, I haven’t drank alcohol since Sunday, October 24, 2021. I plan to abstain until the end of the year. Not for any particular reason, I am just tired of feeling depressed for two days after I drink. I am sticking to my plan to move back to California in March (or sooner) I will either pay my wife to let me sleep on the couch or get a room in a house with roommates. I will let fate decide the kind of job I get and the salary I earn. Probably not the scenario I envisioned for my 50th year but it is what it is. I want to be in the closest place I have to home while my daughter attends high school.

Perspective

7:28am, Dana Point. I took my daughter and her friend to a neighborhood haunted house last night. We had fun. The kids (middle school/high school) did a good job getting into character and performing. We came home around 8pm. I went to bed shortly after but the girls stayed up, they didn’t go to sleep until 1am. Needless to say, they are still sleeping. The dog and I took a walk this morning. While coming down the hill I thought about life. Right now Arizona gives me perspective I couldn’t see in Orange County. When I lived here all I saw was stress, I couldn’t relax because work and leisure weren’t separate. No matter what I was doing my mind was thinking about my job and what I had to do. Now work is in a different state. When I am in California I leave it behind and enjoy experiences with my daughter. I am fully present watching a movie, shopping at the mall or going to a haunted house. I don’t like being far away from her but I am thankful for what we have shared the past year.

Vacation

6:14am Thursday. Soon after dinner last night I fell asleep on the couch at my wife’s house. It was a deep, luxurious slumber filled with peacefully confusing images and happy childhood memories. The kind of sleep I rarely achieve during the hustle of life in Arizona. It happened right before evening. There were still some streaks of light in the sky but we had pulled the blinds and turned on a lamp or two. Once the house was settled my daughter began watching a Halloween movie. I don’t remember the plot but it had something to do with a secret society of teenagers battling an evil carnival. Shortly after it started I became extremely tired. The sounds of a full house, the smell of chicken soup emanating from the kitchen mingled in my brain and put me at ease. My eyelids grew heavy and I curled up on the side of the couch. Before long I was snoring softly. My daughter was surprised. She implored me to wake up, stressing it was barely eight o’clock. But I couldn’t be roused. The release of stress starting vacation and the sense of being home had emptied me out. I stayed there on the couch all night. Sleeping my peaceful sleep, dreaming my quiet dreams until the dog whined to be let out ten hours later.

The WIL

2:40am Friday morning. I had a dream about the WIL. It was sweet and beautiful. We were at a family reunion. My dad was there. The WIL and I reunited and spent our time talking, kissing, holding hands. When I woke up I could feel the magnet in my chest that screams only for her pulling strong. For years (and most of these posts) I focused on what she is to me. I forgot that I am something to her.

Saturday morning

9:25am Saturday morning. Just after eating breakfast I started returning messages from last night, which didn’t take long because it was the weekend. Saturday was the first real day of rest i could recall having in a long while. I had made plans to meet up with a friend that afternoon. She texted to say her schedule had changed, and that she would probably meet me later, or possibly not at all. I didn’t mind, she wasn’t that close of a friend.

Picture

8:46am Monday. I saw a recent picture of the WIL last night. I haven’t seen her in person in almost two years. At first I was worried I would feel sad. But that wasn’t the case at all. Seeing her smile filled me with peace. I like to think she is happy. Even though we can no longer see each other all I want in the world is to know she is alright.