Tag: Relationships

Tuesday night

7:32pm Tuesday night. The call came in nine minutes earlier. I checked the voicemail then called her back. She is a colleague in the LA office. I like talking to her. We commiserated about work. At one point she used her boyfriend for an analogy. I became jealous. I don’t know why. She has a boyfriend. I am married. After we hung up I felt irritable. I got water from the kitchen the went for a walk around the building. Another hot afternoon bore down on the parking lot. By the time I got back to my desk I was sweating and tired.

Monday

7:59pm Monday night. After finishing dinner I cleaned the dishes and scrubbed the kitchen. I called my daughter to find out how school went. “Hi dad, bye dad.” Were her only words. My wife complained about money. We discussed plans for the weekend. I hung up then washed my face and brushed my teeth before crawling into bed. I read an interesting article on blues music. Then turned out the light to fall asleep.

Wednesday

6:06am today is my daughters birthday. I feel terrible inside. We celebrated this weekend. She has plans today. But I still want to be with her. It was 13 years ago today, almost to the exact minute, the nurse handed her to me. Life often feels frustrating . The last thirteen years have not been easy. But when I remember that moment in the delivery room in Salt Lake City my heart floods with joy. Today will be bittersweet. I love my daughter and will be thinking about her. But work is pissing me off. I am sick of stress.

Help

6:22pm When my daughter and I returned from dinner we saw a woman across the way moving a table. Trying to be self sufficient she had placed the heavy table on a skateboard and was awkwardly rolling it down the path. The going was slow and every couple feet she needed to stop and reposition it on the board. She was going toward the car parking area that was still over a hundred feet away. “Let me help you,” I offered, jogging to catch up to her. She looked up, annoyed that she needed help but resigned to accepting it. “Thank you so much,” she replied. She was in her late forties, tall with long blonde hair that was becoming disheveled from exertion. She wore a white strapped top with a long green floral skirt covering her angular legs. Seeing that I would be occupied for a moment my daughter sat down on a nearby bench and began scrolling on her phone. The woman and I pushed the skateboard onto the grass out of the way. We each took an end of the oak table and began carrying it. As we walked my arms strained agains the weight. Sweat beaded on my forehead. The bottom of the table hit my legs and bruised my shins. I could tell she was struggling to but refused to take a break. “I am good,” she said when I offered a brief respite. We got to the parking lot. She approached a white economy car that had backed in. After opening the trunk we lifted the table over the edge and placed it face down. When we were done she thanked me again for the help. This time more effusively. I assured her it was no problem and I was happy to help. I even waved as she drove away. As I walked back to join my daughter the sun was beginning to set and the air smelled of sweet ocean salt.

Follow up

3:29pm By the time I got to Palm Desert I realized I couldn’t see my friend and make it to Dana Point in time. I texted her to say I got a late start. She replied, “Hi there. Bummer. See u next time.” When I got to the apartment I found a parking spot on the street. The sun was warm. A cool breeze blew off the ocean. I unpacked and changed then took the dog for a walk down the path that circled the complex. An overweight man nodded as we walked by. Kids on electric scooters raced down the path ahead of us. I felt content in the last remnants of the warm afternoon.

Last post

In my office in south Phoenix. 8:12am. I have a call starting in three minutes. But wanted to capture this thought. The last post represented a shift in mindset. The morning walk started with thinking about the WIL and how I can get over her. By the time I got home and sifted through my thoughts it evolved to insight about my relationships, marriage and commitment. 8:28am back from my morning call. The thought I was completing before I left…the other night I woke up after 12am and felt everything could be new. The last post was a perfect example of that. I can change my perspective and not be stuck in old patterns. I want to change. Enjoy life again

Friday Morning

5:33am, sitting at my computer in the Chandler apartment. Just finished going for a walk and working out at the complex gym. When I went for my walk it was cold and rainy. I had to grab my rain jacket. I haven’t worn a coat on my morning walk in months. Around 2am last night I started hearing thunder and seeing streaks of lightning through the bedroom window. The rain started shortly after and hasn’t stopped. The drainage area in the neighborhood was already full. The commute this morning is going to be slowed by flash floods. On the walk I thought about relationships. I reminisced about the ones I had in the past, the ones I am in now and the possibility of one in the future. I started to think about being with someone new. Feeling the excitement of falling in love. What would be the cost of trying? What would I have to do to make it happen? The fact is I am still married. No matter the strained state of our relationship we are still together. In our own unique way we remain committed to the promises we made two decades ago. I can’t go on a dating site and meet someone if I am still married. That being said, we could get a divorce. We talked about it this week. It isn’t outside the realm of possibility. That would free me and my wife to move on. We could admit it is over and make a fresh start with someone else. I am not sure about my wife but that is not a price I am not willing to pay. If we get a divorce we would no longer be a “family.” We would be split and most likely create two new families. If that happened I fear my relationship with my daughter would be destroyed. I would not get to spend as much time with her or see her. Especially if I meet someone who has children of her own. I can’t speak for my wife. Maybe she wants a divorce. If so I will go through with it but if I have the choice I choose to stay. No matter how dysfunctional we are right now we are still a family and we are still making it work. As much as I would like to meet someone I won’t sacrifice what I have with my wife and daughter.

Highlights negative

12:56pm the worst thing about the ending of the relationship with the WIL is how it highlights the negative. There was so much happiness and beauty. For years she filled me with absolute joy. the highest highs of my life are memories of her. Not even close. But now all I can feel is sadness. Remember the pulling away. The silence. I know the beauty still existed. But the painful loss has overcome my ability to recall it easily