5:46am Friday morning. My wife called yesterday. She wanted to let me know our daughter had been hit in the head by a falling bowl. Though no cuts or bumps the doctor suggested “taking it easy” for a couple days. That meant they would not be traveling over the weekend. My wife wanted to know if I would like to come home. I said “yes.”
Author: mikemeyer949
Thursday night
11:05 Thursday night. On Thursday morning I went to a community and did a chaplain visit. Another chaplain provided the care, I observed. After the visit we discussed the different skills and aspects of care. After I left I recalled similar visits from years ago and a life that long since past.
Thursday morning
5:43am Thursday morning. Could I ever deconstruct my life and rebuild it along a path of happiness? Years ago I chose adventure and responsibility, changing careers, becoming a parent. If i had chosen another life would my regrets be different? Who is to say one choice was better than the other? Who can judge my decisions as somehow flawed? Day by day, moment by moment I took course until I ended up at this very spot. Perhaps next week, next month, next year, I will reflect on this time just the same, and in those moments of respite I wonder why I did what I did and lament or celebrate the memory.
Wednesday night
7:39pm Wednesday night. For so long I thought about beginnings. New adventures to have, people to meet, things to do. But lying here in bed my mind wanders to going home. Finding peace. Letting go. I don’t want anything new. I just want rest
Wednesday morning
6:16am Wednesday morning. And that there was always a fire burning in my chest, imploring me to rush on, to get up again, to fight on long after the battle was through. and was that not the point of life? To mindlessly press forward? To believe things would be better tomorrow, when 10,000 yesterday’s had proved it untrue? What was I supposed to do but to do it all over again?
Tuesday night
10:49pm Tuesday night. Just checking in. Always just checking in.
Tuesday morning
6:03am Tuesday morning. And I realized in that instant that nothing is ever truly gone. If a barrier did exist it existed only in my mind. I was free. I could be born to a new life just the same as I could be resurrected to an old life.
Monday night
7:40pm Monday night. There was a knock on my door. I opened it to find my neighbor across the landing. He was a young Indian guy with thick glasses. He lived with his wife. The few times I ran into them we just exchanged quick hellos. “Excuse me, did you see someone deliver a package?” I told him I hadn’t. He looked vexed then asked if I would let him know if I did. I said, “Of course.” He turned and walked down the stairs to the parking area and disappeared from view.
Monday morning
5:52am Monday morning. There was no perfect existence. I did the best I could in any given circumstance. Whatever the case I remembered that time with fondness or I did not. If the moment was powerful the memories were haunting and pure. If the moment was not particularly good the memories were forgotten or seldom brought up.
Sunday evening
6:14pm Sunday evening, Arizona. Then I realized a truth. All my stress, all my sadness initiated from doubt. Doubt I was worth loving, doubt I could complete a work assignment, doubt I could win a competition. Doubt weighed me down like an anchor pulling my happiness to the abyss. I had always dealt with stress by trying to run away. When I couldn’t figure out how to escape I felt more stress. The answer was to not run away. To not doubt. Only I could choose to be confident in the face of adversity. Vanquish doubt and remove stress.
mikemeyer949 