7:52pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday night, December 13, 2021. And there, as always, in the burning heat of my acid filled throat, is constant insecurity. It drowns my soul with fire and saps my will to live. What could I achieve if I was free of its burden? Would I live a life of breezy confidence, filled with decisive choices and positive results? Could I ultimately vanquish crushing doubt and avoid nagging fear? Can I finally have positive human interactions and accept my place in the world? At some point one of us will win; Insecurity will exact it’s final price on my soul or I will escape my vexing, inevitable plight. Either way we are in a pitched mortal battle. And though the odds are against me, I will be victorious. Because of one thing I am absolutely sure; I will either conquer insecurity or I will die trying.
Author: mikemeyer949
Last Christmas present
2:22pm, office in Phoenix, Arizona, Monday afternoon, December 13, 2021. The last Christmas present for my daughter has been purchased. On New Year’s Eve morning we are going to go indoor skydiving. I hope she is up for adventure, I paid extra to go higher and faster.
Whoops
7:53am, just got to the office, Phoenix, Arizona, Monday morning, December 13, 2021. I got out of my car and realized my clothes don’t match. I changed shoes at the last second but didn’t change belts. My belt brown and my shoes are black. Of course it is on the day I have two new employees starting and the nurses coming in for a meeting. Whoops.
Feels like a typical Monday
6:02am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Monday morning, December 13, 2021. It feels like a typical Monday. I am grouchy, everything annoys me, and time can’t move fast enough. Nothing is particularly wrong, yet everything gets on my nerves. The drive yesterday was fine. I left Dana Point around 10:30am Pacific (11:30am Arizona), stopped once in Palm Desert and made it to Chandler before sunset. Then I went to bed early and didn’t get up until 5:30am, which means I skipped my morning workout. Maybe that is why I am irritated, too much sleep and not enough exercise.
A Heartland Kind of Guy
6:37am, in my wife’s apartment, Dana Point, CA, Sunday morning, December 12, 2021. I am going to tell you a story. It is called A Heartland Kind of Guy. Are you ready? Here it goes…He was a typical American Heartland kind of guy; Rugged, stoic and contemplative. His life began on the prairies of South Dakota, briefly detoured through the Rapid City Black Hills and finally settled forever in the Southern Wyoming Desert. Childhood was uneventful except for learning to despise harsh weather and appreciate wide open space. By the age 15 he was convinced life would be better someplace else, so he headed west and didn’t stop until reaching the Pacific Ocean.
Saturday night update
7:27pm (pacific) Saturday night, Dana Point, CA, December 11, 2021. I am sitting on the couch in my wife’s apartment with my daughter, watching videos and trying to stay awake. The funeral service this afternoon was exhausting. It brought back many memories, not all of which were particularly good. Still, I am glad for the chance to say goodbye one last time. After the funeral we drove home for lunch then went back out to visit friends. By the time we settled in for the evening I was ready to go to bed. I am going to change and wash up now.
Attending a funeral today
6:22am (pacific) Palm Desert, California, Saturday morning, December 11, 2021. I am traveling to Orange County today to attend the funeral of my daughter’s friend’s father. Actually, I should say, my friend. I knew him well, at least as parents of similar aged children know each other. We attended many school events over the years and volunteered our time together, talking about the frustrations of life and the enjoyment of fatherhood. It is hard to believe he is gone. I will hug my daughter extra long when I get there, life feels rather fragile at the moment.
Quitters?
2:50pm in my office, Phoenix Arizona, Friday afternoon, December 10, 2021. The windshield repair guy I referenced this morning no showed for the 11am appointment. I will find somewhere else to take my car next week, hopefully the window doesn’t crack on the way to California. Also, the triage nurse that I referenced last week as surly and lacking compassion quit without notice two hours before her shift was supposed to start. It has been one of those days.
Will I ever be social again?
10:34am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Friday morning, December 10, 2021. I spend the vast majority of my time sitting silently alone, watching entertainment content on electronic devices, usually while eating food and/or drinking alcohol. We are talking tens of thousands of good youthful energetic hours wasted passively consuming the activities and relationships of others, while I do next to nothing. What is wrong with me? Why don’t I go out and live my life? It is not a stretch to say I am addicted to this behavior. I crave it, I fantasize about it and I plan my life around it. Is voyeurism really so much more appealing than actually being with people? Do I not know how to enjoy the company of others? Will I ever be social again?
Chip away
9:48am, Phoenix, Arizona, outside my office, Friday morning, December 10, 2021. I was driving home Monday when I rock flew up and hit my car. It left a dime size chip in my windshield. The repair guy is coming at 11am to fix it before it grows too big or cracks completely. It will end up costing $50 to get fixed, which is cheaper than a new windshield but still expensive. Interesting how something so innocent as a rock getting kicked up on the freeway can end up expending time and money to rectify.
