Eventful

7:25pm had an eventful afternoon. Have to make some staffing changes in light of census challenges. Takes with my supervisor. She is supportive. Of me and my decisions. I realize she is more scared of me quitting than I should be of getting fired. Which is refreshing. I want to succeed. I will succeed . I am succeeding. I have succeeded.

Hospice

10:44am when the chaplain role was ending I knew staying in hospice meant sales or operations. Neither felt right. 12 years later they still don’t feel right. I am trapped in long forgotten choices. How do I move forward? Can I find peace?

Themes

10:40am common themes lately. General anxiety. Fear. Stability. Creativity. Productivity. Results. Accomplishment. Being known. Remaining hidden. my mind cycles on these themes

Creative

8:15am Tuesday at work. I am proud of the program I came up with last week for work. It is a good plan that was well received. I am proud of The Unaffiliated. I am proud of The Thirty Day Job Cleanse. I am creative

General anxiety

5:56am I have general anxiety. Not related to anything. Though I don’t have to look hard to find a “reason.” my mind is racing and my guts are twisted tight. That is just how I feel. probably forever

Burned out

6:54pm I am burned out at work. My life is work and the apartment. I have done it for five months now. I need variety

Stuck

2:57pm I am stuck. I can’t seem to go forward. Can’t engage in the here and now. Frustrated.

Whirlwind

5:53am it has been a whirlwind. No stability, no security. I want to have a house again. Feel I can get a dog. Have a routine. I have been in Arizona less than five months. It feels unstable. Like it will crumble at any time. I can’t buy a house, get a dog. My life is chaos. I feel so overwhelmed

Confluence

There is this confluence in my life where a lot of things happened together. A nexus. One was the five years of being the chaplain. I loved that job but after five years it had become stale. I wanted to try something new. Second, I became a parent. That changed my world outlook and made me more anxious. Third was the financial crisis. That disrupted our lives. I felt I had to make more money. I have gotten into a worldview rut. I don’t mind the things I have done. Sales, travel, operations. But I would like to feel that security and enjoyment of being a chaplain again at work. I am exhausted

Peace at work

5:44am Monday I keep thinking about last Monday. Driving to the office. Pulling in. Having a strong emotional memory. Remembering being secure. Happy. Proud of work. Where my first thought of the day wasn’t about fear of failure. getting fired. I need to find peace again.