Author: mikemeyer949

Affirmation

3:40pm to be loved by the WIL was to be affirmed. All I cared about was her opinion. If she loved me I was doing it right. Whatever “it” was. Now I am no longer part of her life. That energy no longer exists for me. To be outside that energy after feeling it for so many years leaves my soul empty.

Burned by bad theory

11:24am I burned myself with a bad theory. I hypothesized if I stopped romanticizing leisure I would have no choice but to embrace work. If I embraced work more consistently I would be more productive and successful. Maybe that is true to an extent. But has the value of “success” outweighed the loss of relaxing rejuvenation? I feel I sacrificed what truly made me happy for minimal gain.

Poet

5:48am Friday. This morning on my walk I realized who I am. I am a poet. Not in a romantic sense. Or a professional. Or even good at the craft. Rather if I was left alone, if I had to fill my time, I would sit silently, think and write. That is my default setting. I always knew that. Yet it was difficult to declare. I thought in order to say that I needed to be talented. I needed adoration. I needed to earn money. Today on my walk I accepted I can be who I am.

The WIL

8:49pm sometimes I marvel how I was ever worthy to be the WIL’s. The farther removed from our time together the less I feel worthy of her. I don’t think I could even speak if I saw her. She moved on without me and I can’t stop thinking about her. She kicked my ass. I can’t believe there was a time she loved me as insanely as I love her.

Perspective

7:53am I am able to find perspective. That reduces my anxiety. I can step outside my situation, be objective. Work has issues. One of the issues is low referral volume. I am fixing it. Instead of spiraling to despair I stay level. I address the issue. I have other ones to work on. I will address them like I do everything else. That is what I am paid to do. I had a dream last night. I was taking blame for issues at work. Then someone mentioned a professional basketball player and his problems in the playoffs. I said I would take blame for that. I caught myself in my dream. It was so absurd I realized I was just piling on problems whether I created them or not. This site had issues before I got here. I am committed to working on them, improving and growing.

Writing

5:36am Thursday when I write it is like taking a picture. It is one single moment Frozen. The emotions before and after that moment are swirling. A post like this pulls one thread from my thoughts, puts it on display and says “here is what I am thinking.” However even as I write I am aware of what I don’t say. All the other thoughts, threads and emotions. If I could capture what my mind is doing right now the narrative would be lost. Words would be jumbled, picture would be flashing in and out. viewpoints would instantly change. Worries would pop up then subside. I don’t stop thinking. I mull over feelings, ideas, beliefs. I push to the extreme until my ribs ache with anxiety. Then I spend hours trying to undo the knot. I write to have something for all I go through.

Rain and the WIL

10:55am it has been rainy and overcast all morning. Nice to have cooler temperatures. I have been thinking about the WIL. It breaks my heart to call her that and not say her name. I haven’t seen her in over a year and a half. Yet I can’t stop thinking about her. Love, intimacy, sex. Those things are meaningless without her. If I try to experience them all I feel is sadness.

Glimmer of narrative

5:54am Wednesday while walking this morning I started to see a glimmer of a narrative I can embrace. It is the narrative that I was a journeyman salesperson. reliable but not outstanding. I accept that narrative about sales because I have perspective. That career is in the past. I also thought about being a chaplain this morning. I had an honest discussion with myself about why I don’t go back. Reasons include, money, lifestyle, challenge, expectations for my daughter. But I did come up with a new look forward goal. Being a prn chaplain. Just being called when needed to see people or do assessments. Not full time, not set hours.