After dinner

8:12pm dinner was good. We went to the mall afterwards and walked around. The girls bought some crystals from a new age shop. Now they are discussing how to properly use them. Nice to have a weekend that doesn’t feel like it is choking the life out of me. I forgot what it was like to be active. What it was like to have fun

Dinner

4:54pm going to dinner tonight as a family. Then shopping at the mall.

Check in

11:02am in the pool area again. The girls like swimming. It is a little overcast. Keeps the heat down. I don’t have anything to say. Just checking in

Don’t go back

6:38am I don’t want to go back to how I was living prior to my family coming out. I am thankful for the last three months. How I settled in after the move. But I want a different energy going forward. A new me for the 2nd half of the year.

In my head

12:24pm do I care about anything other than what is happening inside my head? I am the most self-absorbed person in the world. Not egotistical, just inward focused. Take the WIL for example. I have written about her, thought about her many times. She exists in my mind a certain way. But I haven’t seen her in over a year and a half. At work I have all these plans to grow census but I seldom interact with the people who could give me business. I am delusional. I believe what I do and say in my mind is real. Yet it doesn’t translate to real world interactions. I have no relationship with the woman I love and with the people that could give me success. No wonder I am losing my mind.

Time together with my daughter

6:37am last night my daughter expressed dismay that it was Wednesday. She felt the week was going too fast, implying she didn’t want her time in Arizona to end. That little exchange made me happy. She is enjoying being here. In the apartment, in Arizona, with me. That is all that matters in the world.

Daughter’s expectations

6:05am we created a lifestyle for our daughter. An expectation of where we live and what we can afford. We have been living this way for nine and a half years. I can’t change. I don’t know if I want to change. There are things I don’t like but the things I do like keep me in place.

Wednesday night

7:50pm back at the pool area. Long day at work. Glad it is over. More glad the anticipation of tomorrow is over. June is finished. The company sale closes at midnight tonight. Probably eastern or central time so before midnight here. The pool is crazy busy. We walked in and it was empty then a family with like 12 kids showed up. The girls are having fun so it doesn’t matter. I have a spot I can just sit and look at my phone. There is a tv here. The game was on the night before last. But the tv isn’t on and there is no way to get the game. Probably best. I can relax if I am not watching sports

Everlong

“Breathe out, so I can breathe you in…”

Everlong, The Foo Fighters

new song added to the WIL playlist

Morning

5:45am the weather was slightly cooler this morning. Nicer than the previous two days. I remembered to bring water for the dog. The sidewalk is still hot even at 4:30am. I thought about the WIL this morning. And family trips we took when my daughter was in elementary school. I remember how summer used to feel when I was 11/12 years older. What life felt like. The world was filled with possibility. Every experience became a part of the foundation that would shape my life perspective. As I got older I still felt the joy of accumulating moments to remember. Especially the time in Utah, as the chaplain, with the woman I love. I haven’t felt much lately. I glide through life mostly numb. Age, pandemic, lockdown, disappointment have worn me down. I am not complaining. I am still alive living life.