The land lady returned most of my deposit today. A couple thousand dollars. Very welcome. I didn’t expect anything back. Yesterday I started missing Dana point. My house. How I had the living room set up. Our Saturday routine before lockdown. How life was before it all changed. It isn’t real. I was broke and unhappy. But the sliver of memory is nice. Dropping my daughter off at music. Running errands. Drinking beer Saturday nights. Going to target Sunday afternoons as a family. A lot has changed for a lot of reasons since 2019.

5:47am (the set up) negativity, anxiety, frustration, doubt. Endless stream. Then I come here and start to write. I find my leader, warrior energy.

I am frustrated with my behavior this weekend. Thoughts about it take away from the positive energy I possess. I apologize. I forgive. I bless and release. I move forward.

I am the captain. I helm this ship through good and bad. Return it safely to port. Mission accomplished. I am in charge. I am the center of attention.

The newness is wearing off. I need to find cruising altitude. Stay in this job. Captain the ship through high and low.

My daughter and wife are sick. Flu? Bad food? I hate when my daughter is sick.

I drank too much on Saturday. I had anonymous hook ups on Saturday. I feel frustrated. Even more than shame. I can’t control my behavior. I hadn’t drank in two weeks. I hadn’t had a hook up in over three months. I don’t want to act that way. Cleaver…

I am the boss. Twelve hours of in control. Strength. Power. Get things done.

Thinking too far in the past paralyzes me. Thinking too far in the future makes me anxious. There is only today

Ten years ago today I started my first job as a director. It was totally different. I felt like a failure. I didn’t want to be in an office. I felt like a caged bird. I was in Ogden but I couldn’t drive around and be free

I have found a groove of great energy. That is based on perception. Circumstance. But is is a gift of place. I couldn’t find my groove in Dana point. No amount of positive thinking could turn the tide. I needed to change my place. My perspective.

I am patient. I am methodical. Beautiful things swirl around me always. They brush against me and give me happiness. I am open. I am receiving. Blessings flow to me. Through me. It feels wonderful. Magical

This blog has evolved. Three months ago I came here to vomit emotion. Find solace. a path through dangerous thoughts. I wrote to stay sane.

I wrote to confess. Sharing my darkness. I wrote to communicate. I felt so alone.

Now i write to focus. Thoughts still ping around in my head. But when I grab my phone to write I shift into…what should I call it? Uber me?

I have found that toe hold, that wall where I am not interested in wallowing. It has changed me. For the better. It has changed my approach to life. To work. I have confidence. Identity. I am the best version of me. For the first time present me aligns with hopeful me. I can appreciate I am the director. I embrace my persona. My role. How I dress. Look. Act interact. I like me.

I am steady. I am methodical. I have patience. I assess the situation. I develop a plan to address the issues. I execute the plan. I achieve results