7:59pm Friday. Just before 5pm some supplies needed to be delivered far north. I volunteered to do it. The drive was not bad. And the time kept me from sitting in my apartment going stir crazy wanting to drink. Stopped on the way home and got a what a burger. Got home. Called my daughter and my. Watched some videos. Going to go read, go to bed and leave for California when I get up any time after 2am.

Friday morning 6:20am walk workout. I got in the recumbent bike again this morning. Only for a couple of minutes. That was my favorite workout/cardio. I had some nerve issue that started about four years ago so I had to dial it back. Maybe I can start up again. The screen in the bike shows sports center. I haven’t watched sports center in years. Reminds me of my brother.

Friday’s are easy. Happy the week is winding down. I am ready for my day. I am strong. Focused. Energetic. Decisive. Insightful. Caring. Compassionate

6:14pm finished work with supervisor. Good tired. Went to store. Bought coke Coke Zero, water, zone bars graham cracker and chocolate peanut butter. Clif bars whit macadamia. Changed. Belt broke when I took it off so have to buy a new tan belt.

Heated up left over pizza from lunch at work on Tuesday. Opened a beer.

Thought: omens and place are inseparable. You can’t have the place without the time. I can re live the moment. I love utah but I love utah and the circumstances of the moment. I love California but in the circumstances. Phoenix is the place and the moment now. I can’t go back and try to re live anything. It would feel the same anyway.

It is interesting how it is easy to get away from the strong work energy. When I write those posts it clicks my brain into the correct frequency. I love having control. And being able to flip the switch to enjoy work. Be successful.

7:23am it had been so long since I had felt like me I didn’t think it was possible. I feel very happy right now.

I am strong. Decisive. Smart.a leader. A MVP. I get things done. I am insightful engaged and focused. People are inspired by me and want to be in my team

6:31am walked, worked out. Someone was in the gym but it was the same person. I figured she might be a refilar. I wore my mask and did my shoulders and back. Bent over rows, smith machine bench press pull ups, rock climbing grip pull ups, shoulder presses, forearm curls, regular curls. In case I read this years later I will be curious what my workout was. I am good tired. Able to actually think about life, work and big picture without depression and anxiety. I was in a good place this morning. Looking at the 49 years of my life with some detachment made me smile. So much water under the bridge. People that have come and Vince. March is basketball month. I love March.

8:35pm back from going out. Tired. But mentally fine. Happy to be in Phoenix. I had the thought it is like a big campground. No one is really from here or permanent. But everyone just comes and hangs out. That is good for me. I needed to get out of Dana point. The apartment. The energy. Phoenix is good for my soul right now

I am truly amazed every morning how far into vulnerable despair I fall and how I work to pull myself out. Writing the last paragraph moves my energy. It is a great tool. But it isn’t an instant change. It takes real mental exertion to identify those positives. Stay in them and claim that energy. The negative, vulnerable despair is like water running down hill.

6:40 am getting ready to shower. Went for the walk at 5 through the neighborhood. Someone was in the gym so I came hone and worked out. Are a bar. Made some coffee. Checked when my daughters spring break starts (four weeks from this coming Monday) saw she only has three months (13 weeks) of school left from today. Ironed my shirt for today.

I have been stressed. Having my supervisor here as made me feel exhausted and uneasy. Not anything she is doing. His having to be on guard. Entertaining. Performing.

My goal is longevity. Yet every moment has to pass at the same speed. No matter what I accomplish I will be judged on the length of time I choose, am able, or wanted to do this job. That makes time move slow. My mind wants to occupy with many thoughts. Again. Solving life. Figuring out the perfect life scenario.

Last night I woke up at 11. My mind was racing. In a good way. I was thinking about work and things i can do. My mind is brilliant and moves fast. I have such a large coast city for thought and growth. I am brilliant. I am strong. I am a winner. I am a leader. People like me. They care about me. They are drawn to me. I am charismatic and attractive.

6:36pm after dinner. New supervisor in town. Not a bad day. But feel tired. Noticed slipping into bad thought habits when I get tired. Counting time. Looking for signs I will get fired. Dreaming about the end. Things I normally did as a defense against anxiety many years ago. I would tear it down and threaten to throw away things to alleviate stress. Go home, rest and recharge. But in an environment where I want to succeed that negative talk puts doubt in my mind. Causes me even more stress.

I caught it and I refuse to indulge. I am in the moment. I am strong. Charismatic. Smart. Dedicated. Energetic. Powerful.

I feel my energy shift when I type those last sentences.