There is a pathological need for sex to validate my self worth. Sex proved I was attractive. Even if that meant being unfaithful to my wife, to the WIL. The validation stood apart from my relationships. Guilt/shame were balanced by ego/pride. The guilt made it sporadically necessary. Ego satiation the same. A random encounter became a monumental mountain of high and low. With relief I was attractive and disgust I was unfaithful. a single episode was enough to answer the questions.

Over time the shame and ego stroke lessened. The episodes become less frequent. They were painful betrayals but sacred time with the person even if it was fleeting. With the WIL gone and no longer with the wife there was not an emotional connection to the partner. Everything went flat. Like soda left on the counter over night. The effervescence of sex no longer popped.

The same with alcohol. What I rubbed my dick against. What alcohol I ingested were my twin gods. Alcohol was an activity. Getting drunk opened new worlds. But it just became an activity I did for a couple hours. The high wore off. getting drunk became more synonymous with being sick for two days than being free for five hours.

This sounds insensitive…

My wife is overweight. That bothered me for many years because it reflected poorly on me as her husband. After the WIL blow up and we became platonic I separated my self worth from her physical appearance. Since moving to Arizona it has bothered me again. I met new people. I wanted to portray having a healthy attractive family to new acquaintances. This morning I worried about her health. She had gained weight prior to lock down. Now it has escalated. And my daughter has inherited similar eating and exercise habits. My daughter is athletic and attractive. But they are both living unhealthy. This weekend was fun to have them but there was so much food bought and consumed. It was the food equivalent of going on spring break. Not sure the point but a thought I have been having. It isn’t my place to say anything but I believe my wife is as broken as I was in Dana Point. Financially, mentally and health wise. I hope she can find a path she enjoys.

8:09am quick note at work. This is the time I waited for since the chaplaincy ended. Arizona is my moment. The now

I always loved the romance of the road. The excitement of leaving worry behind and starting fresh. You can leave. You can start fresh. But there is no perpetual better. Arizona will grow like a flower. Bloom. Then fade. Just like returning to Wyoming. Utah. And California

More than anything I need to focus on work. Block out all other thoughts. A week of work. A weekend to get settled. A week of work. Back to Dana Point.

5;49am my family left to go back to Dana Point this morning after spending Easter weekend. My daughter was excited to leave. It is her spring break. She wants to spend time talking with her friends. She has a theater audition on Tuesday.

I don’t know what my wife is going to do. Her company is being sold. I don’t believe there is any reason to stay in Dana Point for her either. The reason to stay is familiarity for my daughter.

We bought a fish over the weekend so I am not alone in the house. Even a little betta fish is a welcome companion.

Joy, appreciation. Love. In the past I would focus on negative feelings at times like these. They were easily accessible. I choose to be happy. To look forward to seeing them again in two weeks when I go back to Dana Point.

No matter how great purpose/ job is going. How enjoyable time off. The transition between the two is high friction. Usually around 2pm Sunday to 7am Monday.

8:13am I can’t quantify a time as better. There were good moments. There were bad moments. This is a good moment. I feel dialed in at work. Place relationships all are shadowed by purpose. I never found good purpose at work in California. Consequently the memories are not emotionally strong. I have vision. Leadership. Passion. Strength in Arizona. I feel better about every aspect of my life.

When I was younger leadership was something desired because it meant prestige. Power. Set apart.

It is a role. Just like any other. Being a good leader means a lot of people can find purpose and happiness in my world. Employees. Patients. Families. Referral sources. I have an energy that glows. Others can use that many ways. I am positive. Strong. Radiant. Happy. My energy is glorious.

9:14pm I found the gear I waited thirteen years to find. to be confident of success. To know I will be successful. To know how. For years, decades, I felt I was successful, could be successful not now confident how. Today the light bulb went in. Piggy backing on an earlier post from this week where I talking about watching expenses and making money. The making money part was vague. It takes work, tenacity on the marketing and admissions Sid. It is working when others don’t want to. Pushing things through not just Monday through Friday. The light build has gone one. Now I am doing it

1:37 pm my family has come to visit. My daughter, wife and dog are here. Having people in the apartment changes the dynamics. So much more fun and energy. I like being alone. But it is nice to have company

In 2013, while working in Modesto, California I was deeply depressed. Probably the most depressed I had ever been. Early this year I was shorting out and breaking down but it wasn’t depression. Modesto was heartbreaking. My daughter was 4 years old. I had just moved to California and the job that brought me went bad quickly (I should have known from the start…) To cope with the depression I would write essays. In fact, the best essays I wrote were during that time. But I had to stop writing. I felt broken inside. The writing was a way to cope. To get the feelings out of me and onto the page. However it had the opposite effect. I was the Vice President of Sales and Marketing for a large non-profit hospice. I needed to be present and engaged. Being depressed and then expending so much mental effort into my depression became even more unbearable. I had to get out of my head and re-enter the ‘real’ world. What I thought was a coping mechanism was creating a vicious circle. In order to survive reality I needed to dampen my inner dialogue. I think of that lesson when I look back over the past three months of journal entries. I am aware I am the star and author of this story. The script I give myself is what I will live. That is why there has been a turn from delving into thoughts of madness to more empowering words. Choosing is not enough. The change in circumstance has allowed me to be more positive. I am thankful. Phoenix is the first time since I can remember in adulthood (15 years and older) that I am fully engaged in the reality of who I am. Inner me is aligned with outer me. In high school I hated school and dreamed of being a rock star. In College the same. In seminary I barely got through class and dreamed about being a writer. Even working as the Hospice Chaplain I dreamed about finding my true place as a writer and thought leader. I am the boss. I am in charge. I am the center of attention. I am charismatic. I am no longer those things solely in my mind. But in the world. It changes my attitude about how I drive, how I dress. How I walk. I am proud of who I am. I succeed everyday.