There is enough stimulus and things to do to occupy my mind. I start work on Monday. It has been healthy so far. I need to stay busy and engaged so I don’t overthink and cycle

2:45am. Sitting on a bench in my new apartment in Arizona. When I moved to Southern California I needed a fresh start. After 9 years in utah I wanted to experience something different. In Southern California there was a feeling of being on permanent vacation. I know it sounds cliche but it was true. No one had more claim to legacy or roots than the next person. We weee all transient. enjoying the moment until we left and the next person took our place. I appreciated that energy because utah was the opposite. Utah had many people claiming being a more authentic resident because of time spent living there.

Nine years went by in a blink. I love Southern California but I am tapped out. After nine years in utah I owned a house, I had savings, pension, retirement, food healthcare benefits and no debt except for a couple years of truck payments. I feel after nine years Arizona will be the same. But nine years of Southern California? I could never own a house. I dealt with escalating rent. Blew all my savings, most of my retirement and am deep in unsecured debt. I had nine jobs and never felt secure except in one. I was the common denominator in all of them. I take responsibility. But I also know it was who I became living out there. That was not a great version of me. I had ring out all my positive energy from utah and needed to leave. The same has happened to Southern California. I am sure in time I will feel the need to leave Arizona. The life cycle of a relationship with place is interesting. You see it be born. Full of hope and wonder. You engage with the people, culture, lifestyle. You discover the things you enjoy. What brings you happiness. Pride. You also discover the thing that irritate. Frustrate. Over time the relationship begins to stale. The frustrating things pile up. You get anxious. There are no new discoveries to be had. You try to reinvent yourself and your approach to gain the spark again. But after a couple of attempts you realize the only way to feel alive is to be reborn somewhere els with a whole new perspective. I am in Arizona now. This is my new beginning. Southern California is the place that has lived and died. Joining utah.

I removed the job app from my phone. No more hooking up in the employment sense. Sick energy. I need to be grounded and job monogamous

Made it in around two. Started unloading. Went to the store. Back now at 6:22pm

I almost forgot to post this. Funny how coming out of a stressful mental situation all of the sudden the sky clears. I forgot what it was like when it was raining. Actually I realize how depressed I have been for the last three and a half years. I tried to change in place but coukdnt. Then I realized how depressed I have been that we could never get out of apartments. Never have stability, income to buy a house. Already buying seems so easy here. There are options in every price range. Finally I realize how doeesssing it was living in a shitty apartment for nine years. This apartment is relatively new so it feels fresh. No mold, dampness or outdated fixtures.

I talked with my new boss. I really like her. I am trying to be a more open and friendly person. Trusting. She has a social work background like I have a chaplain background. I trust her because to be a social worker rakes an extraordinary heart. If I work hard for her she will have my back.

I am going to relax, watch some movies, drink a beer and then sleep. I have a couple more things I need to get tomorrow. So I will head to the store and do some exploring.

The focus this year is on work. I have tried to will my way to being a good employee. I have tried searching for perfect opportunities. Neither of those have worked particularly well. I need help. I need a good situation that accepts me for my strengths and limitations. And I need to realize when I have found such a situation to hold on and stay engaged.

Moving day. On the road 6:30am. Not overwhelmed but excitement seems to turn inward so I have chose to disassociate. Hitting coffee shop then on the road. I did a pretty bad job with the tarp. Hope the load is secure

8:54am made it to palm desert. Got news my unemployment will be paid. That will help with expenses. Huge break.

1:34am still in bed thinking I struggle to reconcile my tendency to isolate with my desire to succeed. I default to being alone and introspective. Dreaming about being engaged and successful. If I am engaged and successful I don’t get to spend time savoring the accomplishment. If I don’t accomplish anything I spend my alone time brooding over failure.

12:21am laying in bed. Dinner was nice. A little weird amongst all the moving boxes. We hadn’t gotten cake so all of us including the dog liked in the car to get ice cream. So much energy yesterday was about leaving. Tomorrow night (or later tonight actually) will be about establishing a new place. I pray. Please god, I need a new way to look at work, employment, relationships, personal/professional. There are many things I loves about Southern California but I did not achieve anywhere near acceptable results in relationships. I want to give move. Share my talents. Receive support and love.

I will be in a completely new place. I want to be a new man.

4:09pm resting on the couch. Been packing the truck for the initial trip to Arizona tomorrow. didn’t do a great job but took a bench, chair, blow up bed and a book case so I will have some furniture. I didn’t use all the space very well. Have to throw some last minute things in, secure the load. Then be ready to head out tomorrow morning. I need to leave early enough to pick up the keys but I don’t need to get out too early.

Feeling numb. Doesn’t feel like I am moving. More like going on a trip. I have had anxiety all day about the job. I feel so fucking damaged. My self worth is trash.

We are ordering pizza. The wife and my daughter are going to come over and celebrate my birthday tonight.

There are a lot of psychological land mines hidden in memories of California. I realize how traumatized I have become. I must remember the cleave and a new start.

Arizona has a lot of utah energy. My flow is positive. As much as I tried I could never get on top of California. Reclaiming my strength and pride is priority one.