I don’t think I fully appreciate the magnitude of the situation I am in. I need to be nicer to myself.

I lost the relationship I cherished more than any besides my daughter February 17. Her husband hates me. I broke my wife’s heart again. The woman I love just disappeared from my life. The lockdown took away pretty much any enjoyment of life. My wife daughter and dog moved out the same day I ended a job I had been at little over a year September 25. I started a new job with significantly increased responsibility October 5. My mom had a major accident October 30. She was re hospitalized November 4. I drove out to see her in wyoming/utah. She came to live with me in November 16. That is just 2020.

Then the real fun began.

I go to work the first business day of January (January 4) and hr is waiting for me with a layoff notice. I had been at the job three months. I was the fucking director. I have no money. I wasn’t making ends meet. I took out $12,000 in unsecured debt December 30. That was going to get me by with a paycheck. I got a small severance and negotiated a portion of a bonus. In four weeks I got a job. It is out of state. The last theee weeks have been preparing to move and get ready to start a new job. While my mom is doing her rehabilitation. I have to be six hours from my daughter. I am overwhelmed trying to get out of my home for the last five years. The city I have lived in for nine years. Secure a new place and be a good employee. All while I have the worst job record and have failed repeatedly to hold employment. No wonder I am breaking down. And I am better than I was in January.

A large part of my narrative, anyone’s narrative is how the family struggled, how rough life was, how parents failed. It is the struggle that yiu rise above. It is just part of life that you see your parents as broken people that you strive to be better than.

I no longer have the illusion I am doing a great job as a parent. Or that I have a plan. I am scrambling to just hold it together and get her through high school.

I am sad for failing more than leaving. This past year in lockdown I have had more than enough of this house. And I need new perspective and energy. I don’t have nostalgia for this place. Lockdown has turned Southern California muted grey. I just need to move on and reshuffle to a new life

6:55am today is Ash Wednesday. Thinking about my dad and life in wyoming. There were theee phases in wyoming. First growing up. 9-18. Then going to collage and seminary. 18-26. Finally moving back, first job, marriage, house. 26-30. This makes me think of working as a religious consultant at the state hospital in my late twenties. Doing Lenten lunches at various churches. Being a part of the Faith community. My dad was the interfaith networks president and kept it going. We would do devotional a and have lunch those years. I guess I was never satisfied with life. Always looking to move on.

These posts have become about the job because I self edit. I picture only my wife, my mom and the WIL reading these. So I don’t disparage my mom. I am somewhat honest about the WIL and my wife. But I stay away from talks about sex. Or when I am upset.

The move process will take six weeks. I am pacing myself and staying in the moment. I can’t speed things up to get them done and over.

5:59am On the walk this morning I started to look more objectively at the situation. The more perspective I can get the more I can deal with it. I had a dream last night I wrecked a Porsche on a busy freeway.

I realize how intethered from reality I have been for the last three years. I knew things weeent not working in Southern California in 2017. I had worked five jobs in five years as a sales leader. I decided if I was going to stay I needed to do things different. I cleared the deck. Decided to start my own business. Clean slate. Sky is the limit. I looked into buying and renting real estate. Then going back to work. Finally being a career/success coach. The only jobs I could get failed to pay the bills. I kept spending retirement and savings. I could see I was coming up short every month!. That the coaching was not going to be lucrative. The last job I had before the layoff almost my entire paycheck went to rent. But I had job hopped so many times I didn’t want to leave. All last year I knew I was running out of money and he’ll bent on staying at a job that didn’t cover expenses. But I kept plugging away expecting a miracle. In a way it happened. The operations job provided some relief (though on retrospect I still wasn’t covering my expenses) when that Jon ended everything came crashing down. But it was a collapse that was years in the making. It just finally became untenable.

AriOna is a chance to be normal. To be on a budget. I always stayed on my budget until theee years ago. I was methodical and practical. Now I can get to a more consistent place.

I can see the circumstances led me to almost having a mental breakdown. On the flip side are the memories and reasons I held on so tight. It had to be earthquake force mental destruction to get me dislodged from Southern California. I will miss what I love but the time has come to leave

I used to be an empathetic person. Spending time listening, getting to know a person, their situation. Truly hearing them and offering love/support.

I have spent so many years. So much energy wrapped up in myself.

The feelings of stress used to be sharpZ now they are heavy like sludge. Woke up at 1am in a panic. Thought about the post yesterday at 5pm. Unclogged the flow of energy and let it flow. I am a warrior. The desert warrior. I accept that I must diligently watch my emotional stream. I have to be diligent in how I frame my thoughts.

I want to be carefree and just go with any emotion. But I can’t. I am not young any more. Just like I can’t be caeefeee and do what I used to. physically I aaa well as mentally. I have to accept the situation. Know what I can and can’t do

I am a neurotic loner mess. I didnt say one word to another human being other than my mom and daughter today. Next week I am leading a team of healthcare professionals generating 3 million dollars in revenue. I set myself up for failure. I do high contact high profile jobs when my default setting is hermit monk. I am trapped in an absurd tomb of my own creation. I want to be a hermit monk that writes these posts/books. Connect with people. But not really connect with people because I am afraid of feedback/expectations. Feedback if it is bad. Expectations if it is good. God I am bizarre

I hate sales. I like the concept of human persuasion but I hate the grind of sales. Hence why I can get sales jobs. I love talking about doing sales. But can’t keep sales jobs. I fucking hate going out and kissing peoples ass

Which makes the million dollar question: was the last job a bad beat coincidence or am I as fucked in operations as I am at sales?