6:15am it was a long dark emotionally draining night. But this morning I woke up excited to go to Arizona. Thank god

6:10am before taking dog for a walk

Minimally draining night. I realize I have to be extremely careful with my thoughts. I have to realize when I am going to dark places and choose not to try and figure it out.

I thought I’d the new operating system again. A fresh clean slate once I am in Arizona. At. One time I was like a monk. I need to go to monk like existence. Not too high not too low.

Leaving California this time is really post any life I fashioned. We are in unchartwred territory. I imagine my brother stopping dialysis. His emotional mental story ended with his physical death. My emotional mental story needs to end just as surely even though I am not physically dying. My mind is sick. Not my body.

8:49pm laying in bed. The problem is I can objectively note I have made life and career mistakes. But that doesn’t solve anything. Being honest doesn’t I prove my energy flow, my pride, my income. I don’t need to be a morose keen observer. I need to be a strong human being. A man with unwavering confidence in his talents and point of view.

7:34pm

I have to get my shit together. I need to lock down a moving company and date. I am dragging my ass. I need to start seriously packing

7:15pm on couch, listening to music fans point Sunday

Got on top of energy, flowing through me. just barely. Now I picture the energy as passing through me or backing up. The steam is fast. If the funnel is not properly placed it spills inside me. And it is toxic. Poisonous. Finding the way to keep the energy flowing. Writing, listening to music, meditating, daydreaming, being distracted. Ways to back it up? Fuck. Infinite. Instantaneous.

My mom is in her room. My daughter is in her room. The dog is on the couch with me. I still can’t believe it is the last weekend here. I have lived on this street 9 years. In this house over 5. The house drives me to the brink of madness. I need to leave. but I am still pissed I am taking the L. I am sick of feeling like a loser.

Listened to moonlight mile by the stones tonight. I listened to that 30 years ago. driving through Weber canyon back to Evanston l. at night after visiting my high school friends. Christmas break. I was heartbreakingly homesick. on my first break back from college in Nebraska. Tears pouring out of my eyes.

Then Tiffany’s I think we’re alone now came up. I bought my best bass guitar at the Ogden city mall. Ogden. The WIL. I went down to Ogden often growing up. Go shopping at the malls. The WIL and I would talk about how we probably passed each other or were close when we were younger.

I feel really dumb looking at all these posts I write for a married woman who hasn’t talked to me for a year. I know I am pathetic. Just being honest, sharing my feelings.

Interesting side note; I was pining for myhigh school girlfriend who two timed me my first semester of college. on the moonlight mile 30 years ago. At least she was nice enough to dump the guy she two timed me with while I was home so we could make out in my basement the two weeks I was back. Then I left. We parted, she went back to the guy. That was a sweet solid to do for a homesick guy. Thank you. Nothing ever changes…

5:12pm on the couch at home, Dana point There is a disconnect. My energy is flowing hard internally. Extreme anxiety but abating slightly. Here is the situation; I don’t want to stay in this house. I need to get out of Dana Point, at least for a little while. I am indifferent about Phoenix. A little bummed I couldn’t get my cable set up correctly so I won’t have that for the first weekend. I am indifferent about the job. Somewhat excited but not overly excited. I can’t think of where to go or what to do. I just don’t have the answers. I don’t know what or where would make me happy. The only solace I have, the only thing I like to do is write these posts. It is the only productive thing I do.

4:19pm, sitting on the couch, listening to music.

“And the day pressed on like crushing weights, for no man does it ever wait; like memories of dying days, that deafen us like hurricanes.” Rise against, Savior

I have learned nothing. I haven’t improved. My work history is my grade. I have earned a F. I could write off my emotions and mental state as overreacting. I feel the same thing other people feel. The job thing is a black eye. The fucked up thing is there is an easy redemption story . I am doing work I don’t enjoy and am not suited for. If I could go back to being the chaplain, or find a new ministry or a career I liked it would be just part of a great larger story. I can’t find that next act.

Life is beautiful. But it has overstayed its welcome. The narrative was great. The story wrapped up beautifully. Yet it keeps marching on.

This is the last Sunday I will live here. It is hard to embrace when it is over. Nothing to really say or enjoy. I don’t particularly look forward with excitement. I don’t look back with joy. I am just lassoing through the weigh station. Indifferent to life