Funny how my default setting is to be morose and feel sorry for myself. It is like a drug. So easy to get a high from feeling sad and moping

6:26pm. Finished day one of work. Came home, ate dinner, thinking about going for a walk. First day was fine. Non descript. I have had too many first days. Since leaving the chaplaincy I have had first days of work in 2009, 2010, 2011, twice in 2012, 2014, 2016, 2017, twice in 2018, 2019, 2020, and now 2021. That is 13 first days in in less than 11 years and four months. I am numb. I feel a sense of pride that I met the challenge after the shitty start to the year. That I was able to get another job, stay mentally focused, handle the logistics of moving to a new place. The drive home was relaxing. Enjoyable in a new place. But nothing means anything. What am I trying to accomplish? How long can I stay? Do I stay? the dirt day, the first two months of the last job went well. I was going to stay and get my daughter through school. I feel nothing. I am not sad. I am not optimistic. I don’t have dread but I also don’t have happiness. I am just going through the time.

Record scratch sound effect. have to catch myself. I write my narrative. If I am going to be morose then that is all I will get. If I don’t control the situation and change the narrative all I will get is all I have ever gotten. I am a strong dynamic leader.

12:45pm interesting observation. After about 3 hours with people my mind starts to wander. Like I am floating away. I want to keep engaging with people but it is hard to focus. And I start yawning. Big gulping yawns. And I can’t stop. I used to interpret that I was tired. But I am not sleepy. I don’t want to take a nap. I had a good rest last night. But the yawns keep happening and my concentration Peter’s out. I am not sure what is going on. I am hungry. Maybe eating will help. It isn’t a fatigue thing. At least not sleepy. It isn’t a caffeine thing.

I don’t want to rest. I don’t want to be alone. I definitely don’t want to analyze or overthink. I want to be engaged and productive

As a i leader I set the tone for how people will behave. I set the emotional tenor of the day. How the office operates. What is considered important. Our attitude about success. Having seen leadership in various capacities and been a leader I know it is enormous responsibility. The attitude and success of the branch is a direct reflection on me. I start this new job fully aware of the situation and expectations.

7:49am arrived at work. On to the next adventure.

7:25am leave the apartment for work

6:49am Seven weeks ago I woke up, did my morning routine and got ready for work. It was the first work day of the new year. I drove to the office collected my things and walked in the door. I was geeeted by the hr director. She informed me I had been laid off. it was my ninth job in nine years. I was barely holding things together. The job was my redemption narrative, a new beginning and stability to see my daughter through school the next five years.

Over the course of the last seven weeks I have dealt with the most mental and emotionally traumatizing experiences I have ever felt.

Now I am here. In Phoenix starting a new job. I reminded myself all night not to overthink. My mind is racing it wants to pull a million different thought, memories and emotions into the day. Even typing this takes me out of the energy I wish to be in. Focused. I came to do a job. To get right with work. To be an outstanding leader and employee. To be proud of who I am.

I’ve the last seven weeks I have choked on lonilines, free time, isolation overthinking. I have felt new beginnings and disappointment. But now is the time to get started. And to end this first batch of posts. I will publish it in some way. So there is a record of my experience.

Now I am off to shower and get ready.

8:36pm lights out. First day tomorrow. 7 weeks from bullshit to new life. New city. New job. This year has begun very interestingly

I find it so interesting how I dream about achieving great things but when the time comes to perform or work my energy gets all blocked up. I get nervous, anxious and scared. If I think about the book, writing and championship energy the channels open and the power flows. But I need to be cognizant or it starts to get blocked and back up inside me.

I noticed something peculiar. When I was in California I walked in my heels. I am looking to buy new shoes. The heels on my workout shoes are worn through. But on the walk this afternoon I found myself pushing off either the balls of my feet. The change in gait could be the result of engaging different muscles in the move. Or it could be a reflection of my attitude toward life.

Back in 2003 when we moved from California to Utah I framed becoming the chaplain like an actor getting a part that shot on location in Ogden. That concept carried through for years. I loved imagining since I went to California to act in the first place that was how I envisioned my new opportunity. With this move I picture being an athlete, a basketball player that was traded from Los Angeles to Phoenix. On the Los Angeles team I was a bench player that never had a defined role. In Phoenix I am the go to star of the team. I have championship energy.

Turning off the inner dialogue is important. I find the energy flowing through me, feeling free and light. Then I note I am doing it. I step outside of the experience and become an observer. That is when I lose my concentration and the energy stops flowing. Introspection kills championship energy. There will be time to reminisce in the future.