At home, 5:22pm for an ever so brief moment, after cleaning out the garage, excited about moving and intrigued by possibilities with this other position I felt the old Utah energy. That feeling of being on the cutting edge of the wind, soaring through life. Fuck this has been a great day. Hard to remember the mental anguish I have endured up to now. Was that really me? Please god tell me that is the past.

I heard back from the first job I interviewed with last month. The guy wants to talk more. Recalling the conversation the position was in Ventura county or the Bay Area. He even mentioned a COO opportunity. I will hear what he has to say but I am pretty deep into the position in Phoenix. It would take a pretty amazing opportunity to change course

In California my priority was being a dad. Providing the greater experience for my daughter. I was obsessed with the place we lived. My job performance was a distant third. I just wanted a paycheck and to be left alone. I didn’t have the bandwidth or energy or sacrifice to excel.

I am indifferent to Phoenix. To the apartment. The priority is doing a good job. If I do good at my job I will provide stability my wife and daughter. Everyone will be happy

1:50pm Saturday, sitting in my truck outside my house

Had a good day. Went for a walk with my daughter and her dog. Transferred posts over to word. Stated to do some editing. My daughter came out and said she wanted to go for a drive. She never asked to do that. Or hasn’t in a long time. I said sure. Where did you want to go? She said she just wants to drive around and listen to music. It was so fun I have tears of happiness thinking about it. Just her and I and the dog. Driving around listening to music together. No tension. No worry. No thinking about life and trying to solve anxiety. We grabbed lunch, ate then I went to move a big non from the garage/basement over to the wife’s apartment. It was all her moments. Then she came back with me and we went through everything stored downstairs and decided what to keep or throw away. My daughter came down and asks if her friend visiting her grandmother from out of town could come over. She hasn’t had friends over in a long time. So they okayed upstairs while we cleaned and talked to a neighbor. This is the most normal/human I have felt in a year since the WIL blow up and pandemic lockdown.

I have to take more risks with lockdown. I don’t mean to be flippant. I am not raging anti mask. But I am a little more open to calculates risk going to a store if I keep social distance. Or letting my daughter have one friend over.

The move is starting to feel very cathartic. Getting rid of all the junk accumulated downstairs allowed me to see the positive side of leaving. I have enjoyed Orange County but I have had my share. Time to bless and release. Try something. New somewhere less and let other people enjoy. Holding on doesn’t do me any good.

Last night I imagined my mindset and thought pattern as an operating system. What would it take to change my operating system? How could I remove it? Replace it?

I was busy all day yesterday. The anxiety was there but I was able to be productive and use it the energy effectively. This morning went for a walk with my daughter and spent the rest of the time working on homework.

I would love to find an activity that occupies my mind and allows me to sustain my lifestyle.

I believe I actually have a high reviving engine that needs attention. But I have not found good ways to express it. The activities I learned, observed and valued were cerebral, isolated. Internal. There is a whole world that is tactile, engaging external. The question is can I rewire my brain and activities? Can I change my operating system?

Being a hospice chaplain in Ogden utah was my rock star moment. I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything.

Being a sales person in California was my wrap my sports car around a tree hell on earth.

Listened to some John Prine tonight. A good time. Something about a song I heard 100’s of times still made me think of the WIL. Made me start to blubber. Released the knot in my pancreas. I still frame my hopes on utah and her. At least tonight I can be somewhat diplomatic and appreciate how perfect we were once. Much better than shredding my soul about losing her

I feel like I roll with the tides. Or have my own pattern. Around 2am and 2pm my anxiety rises. Then around 5 it starts to abate. Tonight I am still feeling tense. The thing is this job this opportunity should be a blessing. I just can’t lower the heat in my gut. I am always revving.

Spent most of the day since 7am on the move. The energy that usually is spent overthinking and cycling was placed on communications with landlords, utilities and services. I spoke with my new supervisor briefly. Now I am at the car wash getting the truck ready for sale. Went to the gift store and bought valentines cards for wife, daughter and mom. I am not used to busy productive days. Interesting that anxiety is still present but just put on different things.

I wonder if I will ever feel joy again. So many things I used to get energy from I gloss over. Like being productive, meeting challenges. Now I just numbly stumble over them and cross them off my list. I wish I could slow down. Savor a simple day. Be proud of my accomplishments. Look forward to events. Friday nights used to feel so special. Now I dread the night no matter what day. I get anxiety around 2pm. I can’t think of anything to do. I usually eat too much or drink alcohol. If I drink I stay up a little later. If I don’t I go to bed around 6:30pm. I really need to get back to work so I have a better routine.

When things were going good at my jobs I would day dream about working until I was 75. Just to stay busy. I imagined a scenario almost exactly like this. A good paying job in a nearby city. Stay busy. Keep working. Contribute to society. Help out people that would appreciate my expertise. In that instance this would be a dream come true. On the extreme other side is me losing my mind running for my life to the first life preserver I can find. Leaving my daughter and family behind. I really hope my mind slows down once I am working again. I am mentally exhausted from the constant whipsaw.