For over a decade I gave all I am to the WIL and our relationship. She has not talked to me for a year. When her husband found out about us I was ready to drop everything and marry her. Instead she has vanished. I have to accept reality and move on. I have been dumped. For whatever reason, legitimate or not. She didn’t even try to reach me once.

I need to be reborn and move one. I am consciously putting together a soundtrack that isn’t about lost love or reminds me of the WIL

“You know I tried to be a hero but I was lying to myself, I walk alone…”

Hero, weezer

I am tempted to go back and start looking at what I have written. Compile the posts, edit. Make a cohesive narrative. Go deeper and flesh out themes. More out of boredom.

I am forsaking sex and hook up sites. I don’t miss the sex. I miss just connecting with people.

I don’t have a job. I don’t have love. I am happy my daughter and her dog are here. I am happy my mom is here.

This energy needs a creative outlet

I prefer to be alone. I don’t absolut choose it always. I miss things about chaplaincy and ministry I haven’t missed for a while. Talking to people about existential matters

No matter how happy or sad I am I am still playing the game. There are many times I feel I have lived my life. even if I emotionally feel complete I still am in good physical health. My insurance company is confident enough I will live to 80 they bet money on it.

Whatever may come my way I will deal with it. I am too chickenshit to cause my own physical death. eventually I will be gone. the time I am here from this point will not be defined by any plan of my devising.

I am an ordained Christian minister. This is my prayer.

“I don’t know what you need me for.

I don’t know if you are pleased or disappointed in the life I have lived.

I don’t know when I will die.

I don’t know anything.

From this point on I turn over whatever I am and ever will be to your purpose.”

Just because something ends doesn’t mean it was a failure. Everything begins, lives and ends. Even the most beautiful things in the world

I woke up in a grouchy mood. Everything gets in my nerves.

I looked up anxiety. If you are anxious the advice how to cope is pedestrian. Avoid alcohol, avoid caffeine, exercise, get rest, eat healthy.

What helps me the most in these situations is listening to music. I recommend the ding “Pieces” by Gary Allan.

“we’ve all been lied to, we’ve all been liars…”

It is after 8pm. On a Friday nights. Not late. What should I do?

I could just pack it in. Read for a little bit, fall asleep.

I could text friends and acquaintances. Catch up with people I have not talked to for a while.

This is usually the time I feel lonely and look to connect with someone new. It isn’t aleays about physical sex. Mor often than not it is simply chatting with other people and the thrill of talking about sex or hook ups. when I threw away the boner pills this morning I kind of felt sad. I don’t really want to hook up with people but now the possibility is gone.

When I stopped drinking alcohol a couple times I realized it wasn’t just the actual moment of drinking I missed but all the times I thought about it, escaped into the idea.

Sex and alcohol aren’t just escapes in a specific moment. The anticipation of the acts fill so much time as well

A grizzly bear does not have one set place but roams a territory. This is considered their home. My grizzly bear territory is a diamond shape that extends from Evanston wyoming to north Ogaden utah to west wendover Nevada to the place where the 215 and 15 intersect in salt lake county. If I am in that area then I am home. When I die and you wonder where my ghost soul will reside it will be there. And if I may be so bold to assume she loves me and misses me like I do her I will stay close to west Weber county the most

I have connections to six states. If the Phoenix opportunity pans out that will be the seventh. Really five and six

South Dakota. I was born in South Dakota. I spent the first decade of my life there. I don’t have a desire to return but it is my foundation.

Wyoming. Wyoming is where I grew up. Where I graduated high school. Where I returned to every year of college and seminary. Where I had my first job. Where I own property. Where I was married, baptized my daughter. Where my father and brother are buried. Where my mom will be buried. Where I most likely will be buried. Wyoming is ground zero. Absolute reset. It is where my roots run repeat.

Nebraska/(council bluffs iowa) iowa is the technicality state. My paternal family is from the council bluffs Nebraska area. My paternal grandparents are buried in iowa. My maternal grandparents are buried in Fremont. My maternal grandfather graduated college in Fremont. My dad grade college there. My parents met in Fremont. I graduated college there. My brother and I went to school together for a semester.

Utah. I could right a million books about utah. Utah is my spiritual home. The WIL lives in utah. I am crying as I write this. During the greater time of my life, the falling in love, the Chaplain I was in utah. It was the place I lived and built my first true foundation instead of living where my parents or family lived. I love utah with all my soul. When the circumstances of life evolved and I felt I could no longer stay in utah my soul withered. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss the mountains, the feeling of belonging, the experience of love I found in utah. My daughter was born in utah.

California. I went to seminary in Berkeley. I did my internship in paradise. I lived in Valencia. I lived in Modesto. I lived in Orange County. I have worked in some capacity in almost every area. When I grew up I romanticized California. My wife is from the central coast. We have raised our daughter here. It is her home and where she is connected.

Like a football player that became permanently and severely disabled physically I became disabled emotionally.

The inability to commit to a job, to be invested in a relationship all stem from my experience over a decade ago. I always believed I would be “cured.” That it would resolve.

I don’t believe that any more. I must come to acceptance.

The events of last year are not the catalyst. I would be disabled even if the WIL and I were able to connect. I changed as a result of the experience of being the chaplain, of loving so deeply. The events of the nine plus jobs and meandering career path are results.

I am not complaining. I lived a great life and regret nothing.