I am having a dark night. I started getting upset about the situation and my money draining

Of course that is what happens once I have to start paying bills. Reality sets in

I resent having to beat my head against the wall and be tortured for money. I wish my best was at least good enough to keep steady income. I don’t need to conquer the world just stop getting my ass handed to me and playing this stupid game

There really are not that many jobs to apply for.

I am glad I started doing this blog because it has helped me see I am not as broken as I thought

I don’t miss the specifics of being a chaplain. But I do miss the feeling of purpose

Helping people that were dying. Supporting families. Performing rites and sacraments for people at important life events. Birth marriage death, illness fear. To be a helpful presence

Why did I stop? I don’t think I intended to wash all the way out. I wanted to pursue other things but still keep what I had. I wanted to make the woman I love proud she risked to love me. There really weren’t any chaplain jobs available in 2009. I needed to make more money and I wanted more challenge. Once I went down that road it was hard to turn back. Preaching was stressful and I was not curious to explore the lectionary any more.

Why am I superficial? Am I uniquely superficial? Selfish?

I don’t think I always was. I longed for love commitment place and purpose. I believed I had those when I was the hospice chaplain. Many times even just briefly I thought I had it. Hell this las job I felt engaged and committed to the cause. Was it circumstance personality skill. I wasn’t seen as valuable but truth be told I was laid off so the pistol wasn’t valuable and most people in leadoroles at that company leave or are fired after 4 months

Sex used to be more a need. Now it is just to alleviate ore dom. I need to ditch that

I noticed my writing style is very superficial. I don’t go too in depth on any subject. I liked explaining the state hospital process.

Once the person is in place I am their conduit to the outside world. Phone numbers pre approved. Commissary orders. Complaints. I talked with families, read police reports complied medical records.

An influential singer can have a superficial relationship, even not knowing thousands of “fans” and still bring value to people.

Am I a failure? Do I bring value. There were times I was emotionally not present in jobs but I never set out to fail. I tried my best. The failures hurt. Yes, if things were going well I might have looked to move up but honestly for the past five years that has not been the case.

Do I keep working these jobs because of their superficial nature? I say it is a mutual abuse. Am I the problem (definitely a part) or do I keep putting myself in high risk situations?

The theme that is emerging is my superficiality.

Intimacy, relationships. Work. Friendships.

No depth of character

What good do I bring to the world?

Is my existential purpose superficial?

I try to be a good son so my mom doesn’t have to see both my brother and I die before her. She is 79

I try and be a good dad. Raise my daughter at least through high school

My wife and I are cordial and friends but I am not sure I am of value to her.

The woman I love it might make her life more simple if I die.

It would make her husband extremely pleased If I died a horrible violent resounding death

I have aunts, uncles and cousins. Some might mourn but I haven’t been a part of their lives

Work and relationships are a fail

I am shallow. I barely communicate with friends, relatives. I don’t engage at work. I go days without talking to people.

My intimacy is usually meaningless one night stands. And I don’t even work hard at that. I don’t date or plan just look for immediate or nothing.

I actually hope by naming my behavior I disarm it. Bringing it out in the open takes away the secretive and the cheap thrill

I have a tendency to take my foot off the gas. Stop working, trying. I fall into sloth then depression. I don’t want to over extend myself. I don’t want to drink fuck and die though either.