7:35am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Sunday morning, May 8, 2022. Thinking about driving south today. My mom mentioned she wanted to visit Tucson. That wouldn’t be a bad way to celebrate Mother’s Day. Go for a drive, get something to eat, come home and take a nap. I ordered her a new electronic tablet as a Mother’s Day gift. It should come early next week. She will enjoy that more than anything else I could get her. It will be from the whole family because it is a little more expensive.
Saturday
7:50pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Saturday night, May 7, 2022. It has been a good weekend. We went out to eat for lunch, walked around the mall and bought a couple of things at the electronics store. Tonight we got pizza and watched some sitcoms and a documentary. Not a bad way to spend a Saturday.
Vacillate
5:21am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Friday morning, May 6, 2022. The interview for the Director position in San Diego, California went fine yesterday, just a preliminary phone screen to discuss qualifications and work history. I will know more next week. In the meantime my chaplain endorsement is falling into place. One more colleague needs to complete a reference letter. Once that is done I will have an interview with the governing board and be submitted as a candidate. I constantly vacillate between my stressful, yet lucrative, career path and returning to being a Chaplain.
Excited about the possibility
5:29am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Thursday morning, May 5, 2022. At 11am a recruiter is calling me in regards to a job opening in San Diego, California. It would be a lateral move but, things in Phoenix have been stagnate for a while and aren’t getting better any time soon. I am excited about the possibility of taking on a new challenge. A change in scenery can be very reinvigorating.
The end of guilt
5:31am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, May 4, 2022. Feeling guilty is a constant companion in my life. Many times, I experience guilt without knowing a single reason why. In those incidences, when I am out in the emotional cold so to speak, my mind searches for the cause of my culpability, with no result being too absurd: a long misremembered childhood incident, calling a co-worker by the wrong name or a fumbled exchange in the grocery store line. All of them silly thoughts that serve no purpose other than to create a moment of internal embarrassment that is quickly forgotten. But there are other times the cause and effect of guilt is more severe; a missed opportunity to hug a lost loved one, failing to arrive on time for an important milestone as a parent or breaking the solemn vows of marriage. In those instances the internal emotion of guilt is often profound and lasts much longer. Yet, regardless of the reason the common theme in both those cases are the guilt emanates from inside. I can no longer be in a relationship where the other person deliberately tries to make me feel guilty. Life is hard enough without someone conspiring to bring me down. Nobody deserves that. I can feel guilty enough all on my own.
Like any new habit
5:41am, Pacific Standard Time, at my computer, in the apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, May 3, 2022. Today marks the of beginning a new task; I will glean posts from the last year and a half and compile them for publication. This is a very exciting endeavor for me; it allows a more focused frame for my writing and provides the opportunity to develop a new creative outlet. Now all I need is the motivation to get started. Like any new habit, I will begin slow and gradually increase effort. After my morning walk and workout, but before coffee and reading, I will turn on my computer and select one post a day. That volume will indubitably increase but, for now, consistency is the key.
A moment of balance
5:40am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Monday morning, May 2, 2022. The trip with my mom from Henderson, Nevada to Chandler was more taxing than anticipated yesterday. We got in around 1pm, rested, then got dinner and watched a movie. All things considered, it was a good day. Right now I am enjoying a moment of balance; life is not overwhelmingly great but, many aspects feel calm. I can bear my job, I am at peace with my relationships, I appreciate the place I live, I accept my past and look forward to a bright future.
Road trip update
6:32am, pacific standard time, hotel room, Henderson, Nevada, USA, Sunday morning, May 1, 2022. Landed safely in Salt Lake City, Utah yesterday morning around 9am. My mom picked me up and we headed south. We stopped for lunch in Beaver, Utah before getting to our hotel around 4pm. After resting for a bit we ate dinner at a local brewery and did some gambling before returning to the hotel at 8pm.
Departure
4:29am, pacific standard time, Sky Harbor Airport, Phoenix, Arizona, Saturday morning, April 30, 2022. Made it to Phoenix airport early for my 6:05am flight to Salt Lake City, Utah. My mom will meet me there so we can drive back to Arizona together (with an overnight stop in Nevada) I look forward to seeing my mom, going on a road trip together, and seeing Utah again.
The to do list and stress
6:08am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Friday morning, April 29, 2022. One of the biggest points of stress in my life is thinking peace resides at the end of my to do list; frantically running around trying to resolve problems (real or perceived) with the hope that tranquility is just around the corner. But I never get to the end of my list, I never relax. When all is said and done the only thing I find are more things to do. Today, I let go of that energy, at least for a little while. The weekend is coming and I am going to enjoy it.
