January 12

3:23pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday afternoon, January 12, 2022. A year ago today I started writing this blog in present form. I had been laid off from my job, my family had moved out and I felt terribly isolated. There were so many unanswered questions swirling in my mind: Where would I find work? How would I pay my bills? Where would I live? Who cared about me as a person? Some of those questions have been answered, some still unresolved. Regardless, I am in a better place than I was last year and being able to look back gives me appreciation for where I am and what I went through.

Fast day

3:53pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Monday afternoon, January 10, 2022. First day of three week training/preparation to integrate with our new company. The training was boring but tolerable, while the day sped by. Or at least it seemed to go faster. Regardless, Monday is almost over and I couldn’t be happier.

I like the relationship we have

8:01am (PST), sitting in the couch, wife and daughters apartment, Dana Point, California, Sunday morning, January 9, 2022. If I look back on this day a year from now what do I want to remember? That I had a long deep sleep? That I woke up around 4:30am, took the dog for a walk, then bought her treats before picking up coffee and tea? Do I care that yesterday I caught up on the news, put together my daughters drawing desk, watched a show with my wife and ordered take out? Are those the things that I should chronicle? After all, the audience for these posts is me, but to a certain extent, also you. I am a guy writing things to look back on yet I make my thoughts public in case you are curious to read. That creates a passively intimate relationship, which works in a way I cannot totally define. I could post similar updates on social media but that feels dissonant for some reason. Here I am true to myself and I don’t mind you reading along. I like the relationship we have and I hope you do too.

A Saturday Afternoon in Orange County

1:21pm (PST), wife and daughter’s apartment, lying in bed, Dana Point, CA, Saturday afternoon, January 8, 2022. I arrived at 11am after leaving Chandler at approximately 5am (MST). When I arrived we sat at the table and ate leftovers for lunch before doing school work. Now I am napping while my daughter plays an online game. The wife is in the living room and the dog is lying next to me.

Friday, January 7, 2022

2:19pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Friday afternoon, January 7, 2022. Monday is the beginning of our big integration at work. All of our back office and clinical functions will change. It is going to be intense; for three weeks we are going to migrate records, move systems and learn new software. I am ready to get started because it has been stressful preparing. I feel run down and we haven’t even started yet!

Less Anxiety

3:28pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Thursday afternoon, January 6, 2022. I am surprised my mental state continues to be good. It is rare I appreciate what I am going through rather than constantly looking ahead. Over the past decade most of my distress came from unrealistic expectations; the women I would love, the job I would have, the amount money I would make. Now, my expectations are tempered, and so is my anxiety.

Finding Peace

9:31am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday morning, January 5, 2022. Around 4am this morning a feeling of peace washed over me. It was a deep relaxing peace, reminiscent of visiting my parents home in my 20’s. Their house was always a safe haven I could leave to find adventure and, more importantly, always return to when I longed for love and security. Yesterday I lamented the inability to ever feel innocent again. Now I have felt it for almost five hours. It is so rare, I am savoring every minute and dreading when it inevitably goes away.